The Second

i was 18. my awake-ward life was just beginning. i got recruited to the army, a course in the airforce. it is a 3 year course. the first year is mainly physical pressure and emotional stress. meaning - you never walk you run, you navigate up to 30 km a night, every night. you run with full gear for about 30 km at least once a weak and so on... im a woman. i weigh 52 kg on a good day. also you go home about once a month and have limited talking time on the phone. on top of that - everything you do and say is noted, analyzed and tested - are you good enough to finish the course? or not? other than me there were 13 other girl and 300 boys. at the end of the first 7 months i was the only girl with about 150 boys. it was the first time in my life i had such trouble fitting in. i was no longer in touch with any of my friends from high school. my boyfriend was in the army too at this point, and he is a totally different story. at the end of the first year there was an evaluation board - they take all the data they have collected on you from your commanders, instructors and teammates and decide whether you should continue in the course or get kicked out. i was a candidate for getting kicked out - it was because my teammates had evaluated me very badly. when i was told what they wrote about me, i felt like my guts where hit by a hammer. i had passed the board but didn't matter anymore. i felt hated, i felt like i didn't belong, i felt like no one understood how hard i've worked this past year! i felt like even the few people that i had trusted betrayed me, i felt like they were all a bunch of fakes! i felt like it was my fault...but most of all.. i felt alone. so alone. i never understood the meaning of that word until then. until my next month had every day end in me crying myself to sleep every night. at the end of that month i got kicked out of the course. and also, i became a ghost. my self esteem was below nothing. i was then shifted to another course in the air force. at first i was a bit afraid to talk. when i spoke i would sometimes mumble or say flawed sentences. i started getting along a little with the people there, i suddenly ... laughed! the sadness was still there tho. after a half a year the course ended and i joined a squad. at this point my parents were at the worst part of their relationship. at the squad, again, i had trouble getting along with people. basically since high school i had not made a single friendship which was satisfying emotionally or intellectually. again i found myself under the terrible silence of loneliness. this continued to this day when im 23 and throughout all these years i had realized some ugly and beautiful truths. at the beginning i was sad. i started believing that there was something wrong with me, that i couldn't connect to other people. i felt miss-understood even when i talked to people who were supposedly close to me. i started hating the human race, all i could see was the dark side of humanity - wars, pain, hate, deception... drowning in my self pity and desperation for human touch and love. slowly, everything in my life became meaningless. i had begun to question the worthness of my existence. everything was pointless. i don't know what kept me alive. no one saved me, no one saw me. no one understood me or reached for me or loved me. i still wonder sometimes how im still alive today. i became someone or something i didn't know anymore. i lost myself. i didn't even know what i liked doing in my free time anymore. i have found that screaming at the top of your lungs underwater or in your car relives some pain. my life took a turn about 4 months ago. it started with my parents getting divorced and moved on to the first good thing i have ever done for my self - breaking up with the boyfriend who didn't appreciate me for the past 5 years. wasn't his fault really.. you can't appreciate someone who doesn't appreciate himself. but the truly life changing event was at a woman only festival. the festival included short courses / lessons / discussions about everything starting from sex to art to spiritualism to economy to tai chi and so on. this event would change my life forever. one of the courses was about connecting with your true self. what happened there was an experience that words typed to a screen could never describe. i can only say - it was the first and only time that i have ever felt like i truly belonged, that i was truly understood... after the festival i had decided to start going to therapy with the woman who was the guide of this course. slowly i am starting to remember who i am, what i want in life and how to do it. i understood that there is nothing wrong with me, i'm just currently in a place where people are different from me (im still in the army unfortunately) and once i get out i will discover people that are more like me. of course my life isn't all butterflies and flowers now. im still a long way from being happy and i still have hard days and weeks. but at least whenever i feel alone i try to remember that day that changed my life, i try to remember the feeling of belonging... sometimes it helps :) i also started dancing which beyond all doubt helps to heal my soul. i still long for people to talk to, to share the burden of the pain of life with. i still don't have friends like i wish i would... so if you're out there i want to hear you, i want to be heard.. and most of all i still want to be loved.
BlueAyame BlueAyame
22-25, F
5 Responses Aug 11, 2010

You're amazing... I thinks it's so strong of you to post this. You have been through a lot and you're still standing! you are insightful and wise so you can inspire many. I understand the part about you still being in the army, you'll come back eventually. I think maybe read a book called: Nam. it's very interesting and all of the stories are true. Stay strong.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think we all want to feel loved, yet some don't understand what love is, so it makes it hard on everyone else trying to feel loved. yeah and a bit confusing.

thank you all.. by commenting on my stories i feel a human touch from you. i say something into open air and a voice returns my call.<br />
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thank you

i am so drawn in to people like you, i want to help, you know just reach out and give you a hug ,,i love you,,, no ,i dont know you and will never place any kind of judgement on you,but as a kindred spirit ,i love you.peace

You expressed yourself, very well. You are more in touch with yourself than you know! <br />
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I bet real soon your life will change again and give you something/one that Will better your life. For someone to love... lol... well heck, you are surrounded by men! Good luck with finding your center. :~)<br />
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I dance at home and my friends have started to take me out to the bars and grills, live music. I am twice your age but... hey... dancing is very good for the soul, right along with music!!!!<br />
Take care