Lone Wolf?.... Maybe Not

I've always tried to make myself seem that way. That I was happy to be alone and would much rather be that way. I guess that's a little true. I would rather be alone then with my family and they are all I have. That's the only reason I haven't run away. I hate them a lot of the time but I feel that I have to be grateful and thankful of them. Two things I've never experienced before and never have towards them. (Ep is the only thing that I've ever done that for). Still I try to make myself do it by appearing to be happy whenever they are around.
Somehow it makes me even more lonely. Like right now. They left to go to the beach with a friend of my stepdads who I accidently feel in love with. (he doesn't feel the same way but I can dream all I want) Even though I insist that they be happy and live with each other and not a downer with me, I still feel abandoned.
I've had walls up my entire life with the real me tucked away in a chest. For so long I forgot what it was like outside the walls and the real me died in that chest. So now I'm a 16 year old girl who needs to create herself as if she were 5 years old again. I'm not really the lone wolf. I'm a nobody who sits in the cold for a living.
hurts2much hurts2much
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 12, 2010

Loneliness is a tough feeling to deal with. Believe me, I know what you're going through. Years ago when I was in high school, I was at my all-time loneliest. And the funny thing is that from an outsiders prospective you wouldn't think for a second that I was lonely. I was on the football team, I had a small group of very close friends and hung out with a lot of people but on the inside I was as lonely as I could possibly be. My parents have always fought when I was growing up, hell they still fight till this day, And that was a big reason for my loneliness. Although they showed me love and support, they were so busy fighting with each other that they never had time to notice that their 16 year old son was slowly sinking into depression. But if you were an outsider looking in, you wouldn't think for a second that I was lonely and battling with depression because I walked around with a fake smile and a bullshit happy-go-lucky facade and I looked like the happiest guy in the world. But I wasn't, I couldn't tell you how many times I fell asleep on a pillow soaked in my own tears, it was one of the worst times in my life. And then one day my life took a turn for the better, I know it sounds generic and cliche, but I woke up one morning, looked out my bedroom window and saw how beautiful this world truly is. It was an awakening, I realized that it does me no good to sit around locked up in my room all day crying about being lonely when there was a whole world out there that was waiting for me to discover it. The best thing I did was to start doing things by myself, not because I had no one, but because I wanted to be by myself. Over the course of few months I learned to be happy with myself, by myself, because there is no one more important in this world than yourself. I still remember something my aunt told me a few years ago, she said you wont truly love anything else in life until you learn to love yourself, and that is what I did. I started going to coffee shops, malls, things like that and I started living everyday like it was my last. And I became so much happier and my happiness reflected on my parents and they started fighting less and started spending more time with each other and with me. I started to actually having fun when I was with my friends and my loneliness was the last thing on my mind. <br />
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You have to love yourself, you have to be happy with yourself. I cant tell you how to do that, only you can tell you how to do that. Everyone is different and what worked for me might not work for you. I was able to handle it on my own but other might not, if need be I would even recommend talking to a professional about your problems. My brother has been seeing an amazing psychiatrist and it has done wonders for him, that's always and option to consider if you get to the point where you cant handle it on your own.<br />
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You don't wanna go through life living in your own little shell tucked away from the rest of the world.<br />
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Remember, It's better to live one day as a lion, than a thousand years as a lamb.<br />
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If you EVER need someone to talk to I am here for you<br />
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All my love and best wishes <br />
-Nauraushaun