Bored, Lonely, And It's All My Fault.

I can remember several times in my past where I didn't feel this way, mostly when I was very young. I think the happiest time of my life was when I was in elementary school. I had so many friends then, so many people I trusted. Back then the world wasn't so grim and dark. But somewhere down the line I grew out of my blissful ignorance and unconsciously starting pushing people away. I think I grew old before my time. And the average person doesn't want to be around a ranting, pessismistic, grouchy young girl.

When I was in high school I didn't feel like everyone else. I'm sure a lot of people felt this way in high school, they are awkward times. But none of my classmates understood. I tried lying to myself, trying to make me fit in. I tried to join the cheer squad- those girls seemed very happy and I wanted that to rub off on me. But we could never talk about the same things together, they were interested in reality television and fashion. I was a 16 year old girl who enjoyed documentaries about WWII and reading old books and Natural Geographic. I tried out for cheer three years in a row but never got in. I guess I couldn't even convince others I was normal.

The "outcasts" at my school thought of me as a "prep." I never really understood the labels, but I guess they thought I was too normal for them to hang around. But the "preps" thought of me as too much of an "outcast." I didn't feel like either, I didn't dress in things from Hot Topic OR Abercrombie and Fitch. I didn't really think clothes were too important, but everyone around me seemed to.

When I graduated from high school at age 16 I got into college and started working at Target. I learned that college was just high school with harder classes. For some reason I imagined it would be different, that people would be more open minded and interested in more intellectual things. I was wrong. And work was the same way. The young people who were attracted to hang out with me were ignorant and concerned with trivial things. I have a problem with judging people, I know this. I'm not any better of a person than they are, but I just couldn't stand hanging around them. They smoked marijuana and partied every weekend, something I had tried myself before, but realised it wasn't what I should be doing. The older crowd at work, the people who I really related with, got the impression I was one of them.

I soon dropped out of college and continued life just working. Too young to go anywhere or get a better job, too old, in my own mind, to be going to parties or hanging out with other teenagers. I holed myself up in my room watching films and documentaries and reading education non-fiction books. And then my only friend, Joanna, soon got a boyfriend and moved in with him. She drifted away from me and the only person I related to was gone for good.

And then I got back into college with encouragement from my mother, she said if I got a good career, I'd be able to hang around with people like me, people who enjoyed culture and intellectual pursuits as much as I did. I couldn't afford to go to a university, so I attended the same community college I had the summer before. That's when I met Owen. I couldn't believe there were people in this town like him, he was so much like me it was scary. We had an instant connection and soon became good friends- like we had known eachother forever. We were both old souls. I wasn't attracted to him in the usual way. I felt no lust for this man, but I enjoyed his company so much and valued everything he told me. We would smoke everyday outside his class in the cold morning air. Drink black coffee together and rant about politics and films and old literature.

I gave him my phone number and he texted me often. I knew we were meant to meet eachother. But then one day, I don't know how we got on the subject, but he asked me how old I was. At the time I was only 17. I really didn't feel that way, it was hard to put a number on the way I felt inside, and I was always embarrassed to tell people how old I really was. I often lied and said 21, hoping that would help people respect me more- take me more seriously. 

But I knew I couldn't lie to Owen, and I told him I was 17. He was speechless, he was 25. And I knew what was going through his mind, of course I had known he was attracted to me, and I had just ruined that. He probably felt a little disgusted in himself. Or betrayed. I never once tried to fool him into thinking I was older. But our relationship could never be what I wanted it to. He said, "But you act so much older..." I know. I know, Owen. That's what everyone tells me. And it hurts just the same everytime.

He eventually stopped talking to me, just like the others do. Soon I was as lonely and bored, if not more, than as I was before I met him. Now I'm 18, but in his eyes it doesn't change much I suppose. I'm still a kid to that man. The last time I talked to him was the last time I felt anything worth while. And to this day no one has ever looked at me or spoken to me in the way he has when he had believed I was his age. 

Now my days are spent alone, in my room, watching operas and surfing the discovery channel for good programs. Just waiting till I get older, maybe in my 30's I can finally be seen the way I wanted people to see me all this time. But for now I'm just bored and lonely. And it's (mostly) all my fault.       
missmarlboro missmarlboro
18-21, F
7 Responses Aug 13, 2010

I'm speaking to you honestly. " You are a gifted woman, yet young, yet very wise ". I have learned a lot from your stories. Can we share more with each other . Let me tell you my story in this life. I understand being lonely. I am happy. Let me share good things with you. Don

Thank you so much for telling your story because i feel the exact way except for the owen part i really think you need to salvage that relationship because those types of people are hard to come across i know how many times i thought about suicide and tried to attempt it when i came across your story because i felt alone and longed for someone to stimulate my mind because the 14 year olds dont get it thinking im trying to act better than them because i want something besides talking about how a boy is cute? Now im reaching high school feeling like people are gonna try to label me as they tried in middle i think of myself as a old soul while others think of me as cynical and depressing IM SO SORRY FOR MY RANT but i try to take it one day at a time which im recommending to you because you never know what might happen and be positive i know its a old worn out advice but try because my positive today was having to stumble across your story figuring out im not alone and neither are you because i say hi :)

Try to put yourself together and believe that you was not created inferior to anyone.stop blaming yourself.Age has nothing to do with true love

Wow, I can relate to your situation. Don't let yourself get bored, that makes the loneliness so much worse. I know you feel like you're different, but there are many people that are/were in a similar situation, myself included. I'm 17, and I long for intellectual conversations. I have a few close friends at school, but I generally feel like I connect more with older people. People also tell me that I seem older, but I don't generally lie about my age because I don't see it ending well. Although, whenever I get bored, I just find something to do or talk to people, either new penpals or old friends. I don't stay alone or isolated for very long to avoid feeling "low". I just joined this website and it seems like the perfect place. I don't know all the details about your situation with Owen, but I suggest you give it another shot, and try to convince him to salvage the friendship. I find it very disappointing when age is what ends a friendship; but it seems to me like you are among potential friends on EP :)

In as much as your life is "normal", it is hard to fit in. I do wish you well, since you are a special person. Hard for to hers to relate with, but none the less a person. <br />
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You are among friends here on EP, as much as we can be.

^ Well there you go. Hope you two hit it off heh. Welcome to EP.<br />
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I've never really fit in anywhere either. Not even with the "outcasts" or whatever. In highschool, I was a bit of a loner, and I guess that's how it will continue in uni.<br />
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Age is a great divider, which is sad. But at least now that you are 18, you're seen as an adult in most people's eyes. 18 sounds so much older even though it doesn't really make any difference to who you are. Hope you find some peace one day.

man, i'm stoked! ! !<br />
i finally found someone who shares my feeling.....<br />
i don't really know what to say...