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I Am So Lonely I Wan to Die.

I am 47 yrs old, never married and haven't had a relationship since 1988.  I have a difficult time meeting people in social situations, find it hard to keep a job and am sitting at home right now, Christmas Eve,alone watching TV.  I asked if I could work on Christmas day and Boxing Day so I could at least have somewhere to go as I have no plans to spend the days with anybody else.  I am not lonely because it's Christmas, rather, I am always lonely.  I don't know how much longer I can carry on without social contact, close friends and a sense of belonging.  Since my mother died in1979 I have never truly felt that I belong anywhere.  Even during my 10 years in the Air Force I always felt as though I wasn't wanted around.  My superiors continually derided me and my peers laughed at me and "pushed my buttons" in order to get a reaction from me.  I do have some friends however none of them live in the same town as I do.  One friend and his wife moved back to his hometown in Iowa; another friend moved from here to a town in British Columbia.  I'm still in touch with them but only by email, and not very often.
In the past I have joined bowling teams, or darts and things like that but have never been able to relate to anyone and form a lasting friendship.  What the heck is wrong with me?  I've become so needy that nobody wants to be with me.  The very thing I want - close friends and lasting, loving relationships - elude me because I am so needy. 
Can anybody tell me how to overcome this loneliness?  How can I find meaningful, trusting and loving relationships?  And how can I overcome this neediness I experience?
Julio1960 Julio1960 46-50, M 98 Responses Dec 24, 2007

Your Response


HI I know exactly how you feel, I have also never been able to connect, and I would use girlfriends like a Band-Aid for loneliness, until I excepted a couple of given facts.
1. I am different, and must learn to like my own company first enjoy being alone except it, and magically over time things changed they will never be like other people, never like in the movies, never like you would want it, but better.

I have a loving wife of 17years and a 12yr old son, my wife has a huge family that I love, and I still feel alone, but less.

I am 47 years old, had a miserable childhood, bur this is about you, and me and how I get by.

Some days I am very sad for no reason, I do not show my feeling in public and do nor cry openly.

Go for a walk people watch not "stalk" watch take yourself out on a date get to know yourself.

My wife thinks I am a total weirdo, and loves me

it's not easy, even I get lonely but I know what I don't want and need in my life either. I use to be social growing up, until I was 30. Then became somewhat of an introvert. I don't enjoy clubs, I don't drink really, I don't dance and what I really want to do which is hiking,climbing, traveling etc.. the men I've met only want sexual encounters when they decide or when they get shot down.

At first I wondered if I actually got any real benefit with their company. In the end, their attitude and arrogance sort of made it aggravating and insulting. Which is what I think they were going for.

I can't give you a cure but I'd like to thank you for posting. My story is very similar to yours. Inside I am extremely needy but I never show it to anyone. I'm so desperate for any sort of human interaction, just a smile from a stranger can help me through another painful day. Everyday for the 48 years of my life have been like this. I practice budhism and try to lead a healthy life, that's all. But frankly, I've resigned to the fact that there is no cure, just things that alleviate the pain..

Sorry I'm not more positive but I've lost hope...

hi r u there

Best way to overcome loneliness is to do something for someone else. Perhaps volunteer somewhere. Last Christmas we cooked for the volunteers that manned the phones at the distress centre. These people are volunteering their time on 24 hour clock. Volunteering helps you meet cool people, makes you feel great and helps others.. For this you will be blessed.

if you need a friend, I'm here

I can be your buddy :)

know how you feel, just recently been told my relationship of 14 years is now over, don't know what to do now

I want to know you... I'm Alma

Don't worry I'm married anf I feel the same way I don't have,any children I'm sorry how you feel but I feel the same way

I notice the date on this post was a while ago. Well, a long while. Hope things have been working out for you.

No solutions I haven't tried here or new ideas really. I know in my heart it is myself holding myself back but that has never made it any easier. Having been alone my entire life and never having had a girlfriend or anything has worn me down a bit and left me with no idea of where to even start meeting people nonetheless building friendships or even god forbid a relationship! O.O! No job, no career, not very much at all. So depressed most of the time that when last year I spent four months straight living on the streets of Portland I hardly even noticed the difference. Though granted that is by far the most homeless friendly town I've eveer stayed in!
end: @rant;

Hope you find a home. I'm not far off being on the street myself, I have been living off credit with no income for nine months now and my bubbles about to burst. But strangely I don't feel I will care, from townhouse to park bench, I'll probably be happier with the latter.

It eliminates the stress of trying to find work with all the competition out there just to cover all these things you can live without. Life is often a pain so hiding from reality( or submersing yourself in it ignoring society's reality depending on how you look at it) can be greatly beneficial.

For me it would remove all the stresses of having to pay for things, which I can't and stripping myself of everything as you say is okay by me too. ...and it would provide some friends (brothers in arms). BUT I know for many it would be a nightmare...

True enough the majority considers what you have to be "needs" instead of "wants". These are the people who complain about how bad everything is because it is so hard to live like that but refuse to change. I meet people like that all the time that can't understand how I live so cheap and travel the world while grossing less than 10K a year on average.

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Yes, I KNOW it's so effing hard!! I, too, am in such a similar situation. The more I need, the more people want to leave, and have left. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everything seems surreal. I feel like I'm in some kind of video game where the object is to overcome the sadness and the lonliness. I feel like I'm the only one really here. Everything else is just some kind of virtual reality. How can you find comfort with nothingness?

Sometimes I try not thinking about it. Just taking those steps forward towards the end of this reality, of this game. Sometimes I try living in the moment, grasping at any fleeting feeling of anything resembling happiness, or grasping at those elusive wisps of unlonliness. This works for an instant or two.

And I feel that my only chance is to try to expand thses "instant or twos" into minutes, hours, days...

Yes, I, too, believe that this is an unfortunate human plague. But I hope that somehow, somewhere out there is relief - A SOLUTION!!

I think of these Buddhist types, who have come to a point where they can control their minds.

And I do have faith that with enough mind discipline I will be able to overcome the misery of lonliness.

I must relax. Let go. Let it go. Take a deep breath, breathe in positive feelings, and breathe out the misery and watch how it turns into positive energy as the universe absorbs it, and how I can then breathe in more positive energy.


I feel you man :), I am scared from the very same thing, being lonely at the age of 40's I have no social skills at all. I am 23 years old and I work and study, the people I know are just my classmates and colleagues, they all have their own world that I can't be invited in for some reasons, and every girlfriend I had left me, feel so abandoned from everyone, I am a complicated person I understand that, but isn't there one person who accepts my complicated personality, TV and cinema are the only friend I have got left, but just when I go to bed, I hug my pillow so hard in pain of being on my own, and just when I wake up I feel the same pain again, but when I am in college or work, I feel better because they keep me busy. Every girl I had in my life left me for another guy, which makes me feel that there is something wrong with me, am I ugly, boring, stupid! What's wrong with me! I got so lonely that I didn't know what to do with my life, until I realized I should do anything just anything which is better than being lonely, I googled and came across of people who play soccor 3 days a week, so I decided to join them and luckily they've got a spot open for me, tonight is the first time I will see them and hopefully make friends with them. I know it won't make the loneliness and that needy person within me to vanish, but it is a start and it will make me less lonely and needy hopefully :). Sad for you and hope you'll find someone to make friends with and perhaps have a relationship with, a healthy one :). God bless you :)

Have you ever heard of Adult Children of Alcoholics? It's not only for the offspring of those who are addicted. They have taught me so much about opening up and trusting that I cannot express it! I finally have that safe place and it's showing in my now-numerous other relationships! Good luck with everything, I truly wish you the best!

Good idea. Hard to start in on those meetings. I'd better just go.

I feel the same way as you do. So lonely which makes me feel so needy. I fear it puts people off me, as most people have close relationships in their lives and so do not feel like me.

dude, you survived as a prev. you know what this takes to step up. remind yourself that the struggle isn't out there...the fight is within... confidence attracts.

You see people are born alone live alone and die alone thats is sad but true that is sad condtion in the human existance

I am lonely. I am smart, funny, my students love me, but I don't have any close friends. Ever since my divorce I have not been able to get back into the swing of things, to develop friendships, to find a woman to be my partner.. How do you meet people anyway? I thought I would meet and befriend colleagues but its all superficial and everyone is in their own world.

I know what you mean ab out being lonely. I always thought I would have someone after my kids had grown but that wasn't meant to be

Hello Julio and other very lonely men out there... Can we please know and meet each other... Maybe we can find happiness from each other who knows exactly how it feels and needs the same happiness....

I'm Alma.

My fiancé chose to leave me 3 days before we were to be married. He was my best friend..the love of my life..I know I should move on but I'm alone with my pain and memories daily and I can't forget. I try to hate him for tearing my heart out but mostly I cry..and wish for death. I don't want to live anymore and it's not just because he left its also because I feel so alone.. I work alone, come home alone.. I can't watch tv because it hurts to see happy couples, married couples, friends comforting one another..I don't sleep much at night because I dream of him and jerk awake to find myself alone. I use to have friends but I gave them up for him..I'm just tired of this ache inside me, I'm tired of my eyes burning from tears and I wonder how much can one person cry..they say you can die of a broken heart that the intense stress and pain can cause heart failure ..why not me? I can't imagine life without him.. My future was plans with him..I am 44, old enough to know there is no such thing as fairy tails but with him I believed. I keep praying for the nerve to end stop the pain..the loneliness ..I feel for all of you and wish you all a brighter day

Man, if you can take a vacation far far away...something with meaning, like taking care of orphans (if you like that). Something to get you out completely of your world and into a new one that is completely foreign. That helps me.

Sometimes that's "just life". I have prayed all of my life for a "sense of belonging/inclusion". The seed of lonliness is inside of me. The thing I pray for is for the purging of that feeling of being alone even in a room with 3500 people in it. I am faithful that the God in whom I believe has the ability to do that, and He will in His good and perfect timing. I trust in His Perfect Plan for me, and the fact, since the feeling of lonliness is still there, that God is allowing it to remain for a Higher Purpose that I cannot see. God sees the whole picture and someday I will understand "Why?" Embrace the lonliness and find a quiet place to hear the Voice of God revealing His Goodness for us all. Blessings, Wisdom, and Insight on your journey. K, age 64, Florida

You are so encouraging person. You have an important gift from God, to encourage people. All of us feel sometimes loneliness. When we know God, we will go "to find a quiet place to hear the Voice of God", and even we think we are lonely, we are not, because we have the God's power to encourage others, and us.

Well 5 years have passed since you wrote this. Has anything changed??

Wow!!! I thought I was the only one feeling this way, but I see there are a lot others out there just like me....My story is similar to some..I am an attractive 42 year old that seems to attract the wrong kind of people in my life. I am not someone who asks for much, but please be honest with me..I went from having 4 or 5 close friends to 0. These were people I trusted and knew they would have my back...Boy was I wrong!!! I am single and childless and seem to attract men that are either married or just not the settling down type...Let me just get to the point...All my so called friends abandon me, the men I dealt with was only out for one thing, and I have no social life..I don't have a social life, it's just work and home for me...I have become so complacent in this everyday routine, that I feel like my life is passing me by. I am afraid of meeting new people or making new friends because of my wall being so hard to knock down...Been hurt numerous times that I rather be by myself at time, but still yearn for someone to be in my life...Anyhoo, I pray for all on this post who are going through the same thing, but as I was told, it gets greater later...God bless each and everyone of you

I understand so much xxx

I hate that feeling that life just passed me by.

Me, too.

I believe many experience the same lonely path because our society has designed close relationships out. Do not let the corporatists win! Think of small tribal bands...they are all incredibly close. Where can you find that? Probably not in America.

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just simply don't try so hard make it look as if you really don't care one way or the other if they come out with you or not but most important is you must listen to them let them do most of the talking and seem interested even if you are not sometimes stop them and refer back to something a little earlier that connects with the present conversation just to make them feel happy you are listening and are interested believe me this tactic works
then take them somewhere nice for dinner not to posh though then on to the cinema or a dance finally ask if she would like to come back to yours for a coffee or something but don't be surprised if she says no take her home hold hands and kiss gently on the lips then if they respond move in for the big snog and ask if she would like to come out with you again
she will probably say yes so tell her tomorrow is good for you and you never know she may invite you in to her place for that hmmmm coffee of course ha ha good luck

Wow do i also know what this sick disease to be alone is i have 9 brothers and sisters and am still alone i recently moved back to toronto to be with my mom before she passed and after she died well you can imagine.. I think my disease started after i lost my girlfriend who lived with me for 4 years and through a lot of stupid moves on my part she moved out so from there i moved to another country only to be even more alone ..I finaly did move back to toronto but wow i cant take it anymore it is eating at my guts i quit smoking pot dont drink workout a lot i am told by many women i am a very handsome man but i just dont go out since my girlfriend left me over 2 years ago i have not had another .. I even started drinking by myself at night in my room just to stop feeling this way.. I cant seem to hold down a job i find myself constantly depressed and it just hurts so much.. Sometime i just break into a good cry and dont even know why maybe i feel sorry for myself i try to listen to motivational stuff and maybe for a few seconds it works but then i am alone again .. I have considered suicide more then once but just dont think i have the courage and that also sucks .. I want to stop feeling like this and join the normal happy world i want to laugh i want to smile but when i do i feel guilty asking myself why do you laugh or smile? you have no right to you are depressed so stay like that because thats who you are.. But no its not who i am i am told i am a very funny person i love to make people laugh as a matter of fact that is always my way of breaking the ice with humor but at the end of the day i find myself coming back home to my lonely room closing the door and then it starts again it creeps back into my body and says ok so where have you been all day? i have been waiting for you so start feeling depressed again i missed you.. And then bam there i am again alone!!!!!

Maybe you are better now. If not, doesn't Canada have univ health? Thus, can you go to a therapist? Lord knows I need one, but it is too expensive in the U.S., even with health insurance.

I am lonely, but I am a BELIEVER…that everything happens for a reason. Every single life has its precise personal scenario; every minute of our lives has its meaning. We have chosen this path (what I was thinking about?! ha) to LEARN. Some people are better at math, some are good at art. We have a weakness in the area of SELF( don't mistake it with ego)<br />
Someone told me that in order to UNDERSTAND anything ( other living thing, idea, …and love) one has to become IT. This is an experience of loneliness; no more no less. The good news are when you have learnt what you were supposed to, it will be over! Everyone has its own way how to accomplish this task. When you are ready, everything will happen naturally. So, please, look deep inside yourself and search, search for the answer. The answer/ solution always has been there waiting for you. Loneliness is an opportunity to spend time with your SELF. I don’t like to project, but my guess it is to learn how to be happy on its own (means that source of happiness is always internal); to love ourselves like that special one would love us (or loves us); look at yourself the way God look at us – with UNCONDITIONAL love.<br />
Of course, such changes can't be forced, they gradually occur in a proper time. Think about it as a rehab for your soul, and that imagined solution (mate) is a very addictive, potent drug... <br />
I wish everyone to get well soon!

maybe u need a therapist:(? i have a friend with a depression disorder, he asked me what i should do and now im in the same situation!!! im sorry if this is the wrong info i didnt read alll of it becaus its too long(T_T) but im lonely and in social encounters my mind blanks out for some reason! so we're alike in a way. conatct an old friend. if you cant i'll be your friend:) but wat i do is not think of it, i always say to myself that theres always gonna be a better future and evantually it will come true. i just have to wait or make it happen. just smile sometimes, laugh. you make your choice to Wait or Keep Trying. im wishing you the best of luck buddy!

i am right here with you all. i understand exactly what it's like. lately i wonder if i'm going to just fall over and die, due to the loneliness i feel. i really feel that my job and life expenses (mostly rent), are the INVISIBLE first wave of attackers. When i have to spend more than half of my waking day worrying about this tangled mess of survival that has become the norm, i don't have any time or energy left over to even try to build any relationships. i only ever rent apartments because i'm afraid that a house would own me. i want a girlfriend so bad, but i feel like i am defficient in my ability to share what little energy i would have with her. if she was in the same boat as me, we would understand the situation "of life" and i honestly believe that a spark in our lives would start up again. How can i find this girl though? Why can their be these helpful groups online, but not in real life? we could all go play paintball together. for now though, i have trained myself to look at life as sort of a video game. the point of the game is to try and become a billionaire. for no other reason other than to keep my mind occupied. it helps a bit, but i'd still rather go play paintball with you all, and meet a girlfriend out of this group. thanks for listening. gotta go. need to find some POWER-UPS. litterally. My battery is about dead. ha.

I can relate to a lot of this... may not help you but at least you know you're not the only one who feels this way.