Married But Alone

I have been married for almost four years and my wife has developed this thing where she can't stand to be around me.  I have always heard that if you let someone be free to go as they please, if they come back they are yours forever.  My wife is going back overseas for a few months to get away from things (or should I say us).  Our marriage is in a very bad spot right now.  We are both so angry at each other!  She has not been intimate with me in over four months and I can count on one hand how many other times we have made love in 2007.  Hopefully the distance and space will help to make us grow stronger or at least figure out what we need to do to make ourselves happy.  The past month has been the worst by far.  I made a suggestion that I would like us to rent a cabin in the mountains for my birthday to just relax with our dogs and get away from the City.  She told me that we did not have the money so I just dealt with it.  The real problem came when the next weekend she used our skymiles to take a trip with her bestfriend to Miami for a long four day weekend.  No money to rent a cabin in the mountains but apparently there was money to spend $500 on a trip to Miami.  I am just really lost for words!  Does my wife really love me?  I would never have done such a thing to her.  I am so lonely!  Lonely for affection and light conversation.
roski roski
26-30, M
21 Responses Jan 1, 2008

Just to provide an update...I divorced her in 2008 and met my true soul mate in 2009 and am now remarried and the happiest I have ever been. Life has a strange way of working itself out for the better. I finally have what I deserve in my life. A loving caring individual who has a heart just like mine.

I'm so happy for you!!!! I hope you are still doing well!


I totally agree with yelnol50. I myself am in the same situation as yelnol50 and have been with the same woman for over 20 years. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE PLENTY YOUNG. My wife has no sex drive for me and in case you are wondering I have tried everything but she is just a taker and not a giver. I still long for a soul mate, I can look into her eyes and I don't see my sole mate. You see my wife has a huge crush for a popular musician so much that she would service herself looking at his photos while I am working 2 jobs to support her *** and tell me to leave her alone and not touch her sometimes for weeks on end. I to had my first dry spell back in January of 2010 and that was when I found out what she was doing when I was working. I almost left her but I didn't. She is having back issues and I will wait hopefully until she is well enough for her to return to the working force, I hope.

That is awful. I hope you found happiness either in or out of that situation.

i have no advice...i am newly married for 1 year and sometimes I feel soooo lonely in my marriage. My husband ignores me anymore and I am feeling like he doesnt find me interesting anymore. I am wondering if you make your wife feel like you are in to her? maybe you do already...but if not she may be reacting to what you are putting out there.....i want my husband's attention...but i refuse to beg for it.

It looks to me that you only got married in the first place because you and your wife would be as one with a ring on her finger. If you would have stepped back and seen your plans for your future together were not entirely the same even before the wedding. Could it be the age old mistake of thinking that you will never have to worry about facing the future on your own? We will get married and we will both always be there for each other. I think a lot of people do get married to ensure against being alone which is a very dreadful existance, or so people imagine. I was happily married for twenty years, two great kids but i knew that everybody, no matter who they are go through several stages as the years take their toll. One day I seen it very clearly that this was no longer the woman I fell in love with. If I studied her personality deeply there was hardly any sign of the woman that spent every waking hour having fun together all those years ago. <br />
The sure sign that you have seen is finally noticing that your social lives have grown so diverse that she cant speak to you because if you was interested inher interests etc you would show a lot more interest than you possibly can.<br />
It is a proven fact of life that most people change various ways that have got up the point were they are now but you hear people saying, "Yes that was years ago, I am not like that now". Most successful and long marriages are achieved through the couple either being indifferent to each other or the lucky few manage to be aware of the changes in each other and they change to suit it. For a quiet life!

Roski i have been married for 30 years and we are at the point where we just are here and thats it so dont feel like you are the only one going thru that. I have tried to talk to her and no hope at all so i do feel for your ordeal my friend.. I do hope that you do get this worked out i hate to see any one hurt over such things. Wishi you the best. Cant give any help cause of i am in the same boat but i do feel for you.

I hope you found happiness.

While if you say what has happened is true... Then the marriage seems to be a one way street. And I personally believe this happens because people have too many options today as opposed let's say, to the 1950's. Back then you had to work it out. Or it would mean disgrace and scandel. Now if something goes bad......they bail. No maturity. And people today also want "instant gratification". Blame that on the media and personal bad influences. And this can also translate into marriage. If I am not getting instant gratification in my marriage....I'm bailing. There are not the mature emotional ties there once were between couples.<br />
<br />
My dad always said...."son...marry an ugly woman and you won't have any problems". And it has been true. Other's I know "the pretty people" think of marriage as an option.<br />
They look good. (too bad they know it) and have always<br />
been desireable even when married. They are constantly approached by these "other options". And don't get me started on "so called friends". If your spouse has lots of divorced "friends" then you can bet your bottom dollar that<br />
they are constantly bombarded by negativity of marriage.<br />
And there are even those that petty enough to want you to join their "divorce club" to have you available for a night out with the gang and not have a "tag along" spouse to worry about or hinder the event.<br />
<br />
Old saying is true also......misery loves company.

Well guys I am no longer living in a sexless wife has left me and she says that it is because neither of us are happy. Divorce sucks just as much as a sexless marriage but at least there is hope for a fulfilling relationship in the future.

I am so sorry to hear this story it sounds very much like my marriage at one time.<br />
But let me give you a little insight if you start paying a little more attention there are things there you are ignoring that are in plain sight.<br />
When I realized that I was not not the problem that it was him.<br />
I started seeing the nights out with his so called friends were really nights out with his mistress. Phone numbers. Cell phones being turned off as soon as he entered the house. Just little things , hotel reciepts, credit card charges......etc.<br />
When this man who could not keep his hands off me rejected me I was heart broken and blamed my self but he was to blame. Look a little closer and then you may see things in a diffrent light.

yes i would strongly expect there is someone else involved......whatever u think.<br />
think she is trying to make u end it so she can blame u.

I hope that she does not feel that way because there is so much more to us than sex. We both have the same goals in life. We both love to spend time working in the yard and gardening. We both love birdwatching and actually created a bird garden just outside of our large picturefr<x>ame window. We talk on the phone at least three times everyday while at work (short conversation, but I am at least still the first person that she calls when something exciting happens or disappointment arises and she is the first one I call as well.) Maybe we are both focusing too much on the issue rather than the other things we enjoy doing together. We also both like to ride our bikes and we do love doing that together on the weekends. WE go camping often with our dogs. All of our issues tend to stem back to the fact that we are not having sex and that is why we are not taking the time to enjoy the simpler things of life. I guess I have not really looked at it that way. Maybe the solution to our problems is to stop focusing on the problem and just live. Thank you for giving me something to ponder!

Thanks BuffyAnne. I need to get some sleep. YOu say you are feeling stressed. Ever tried yoga or pilates? If not, give it a try. It is wonderful for the mind body and soul. Try and get some sleep. Thanks again!

When I read back trough the story I feel like I have such a poor pitiful me attitude. It must have been my mood that day. This is what lead me to the in a sexless marriage

here it is...<br />
<br />
S o, here I am December 31st longing for a better new year. It has now been at least four months since my wife last slept with me. I am 29 years old and have been married for almost four years. My wife is extremely intelligent, beautiful, and very driven. Our relationship started our last semester of college before graduation. We had been friends throughout college, but we were both in relationships with other people until that last semester when things between us began to heat up! Yes, it was a relationship that began as a crush that then turned into, lust and the most incredible sex that I had ever experienced. She told me that she was amazed and that she realized that what she thought had been ******* in the past were definitely not. We were instantly infatuated with one another and spent every waking minute together in deep conversation along with wild and crazy sex. I do not know how things started out so strong and intense and now we are in the situation that we are now. As the first year wrapped up we had made plans to get married and our future together looked so bright. I must admit that I am a very sexual person sometimes to the point that it turns the other person off, especially if they can not keep up with me and my desires. During that first year she told me of a horrible incident that had happened to her 8-10 years prior involving a guy who would not take no for an answer. She had buried the horrible feelings away, never confronting the issue. Well at some point along the way she says that she felt that same pressure from me and it reignited all of the issues in the past that had gone unresolved for years. Asking your wife or girlfriend for sex should not be pressure as far as I am concerned. All it takes is a simple no, I am not in the mood for me to take a step back. She knew my love for sex and how important it is to me from the very beginning. Well now over the past few years the issue has gotten worse and worse. I find myself angry with her all the time because she obviously does not care about my needs. It may be a terrible thing to say, but sex is definitely one of my favorite gifts from GOD and I feel like my wife has taken it away from me to punish me in some way. I do what I can to be a good spouse...we spent over $3000 in counseling and therapy last year. I was put on medication of anxiety and depression as a ultimatum made by my wife to keep her from leaving me. Over the past year when she did suggest sex it came with rules. No foreplay, and no touching her with my hands. This is the oddest thing I have ever experienced and it make me feel a bit like sex for hire, but it was still better than the alternative, NO SEX! Our therapist says that at some point during our relationship my wife aligned me with the guy who raped her and that is why she does not want to be intimate/ have sex with me. This suggestion really bothers me. I am in no way a rapist and it hurts to be compared to one because of my strong sexual desires. I now never initiate sex because I do not want her to feel pressured, in any way. The strange thing is that the few times that we have had sex in the last few years were for her bullshit reasons. One night we stayed in this amazing five star palace in Europe that her mom paid for and that evening she told me that we must have sex because her mom paid so mush money for the evening. I was not really into it after that, but went ahead because who knows when the next time will be. So, now I find myself married, but feeling alone, just waiting and hoping that my wife will get these issues resolved so we can be happy and in love again. She knew when she married me how important sex was to me. I need a solution to save my marriage. I have recently stopped taking my medication because I honestly feel like my unhappiness stems from being so lonely in a marriage to someone who was at one time so perfect for me. I have tried everything from romantic getaways for the two of us, to drugs to kill my sex drive. Does anyone have any advice for me? I want children and a family with my wife, but somewhere along the way all of our dreams together went out the window. Should I just hang this one up? I know that it will be very hard to just walk away, but I do not want to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I love my wife so much, but if she is not interested in me or sex, is it worth staying around? I believe that it has gotten to the point that I repulse her. How did my life get to this point? Will she ever get over all of these unresolved issues? Her actions are only creating more issues for me emotionally and I know if I left all of my personal issues that I now have with myself would disappear. Please, a little help or advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

I am back.. have you read my story on living in a sexless marriage there are some issues

Do you do things for her to really make her feel special? I know that is part of my problem with my husband. I know that he loves me. But I do not feel very important to him. When I dress up to go out, he might say "You look nice." But he does not really look at me with the love that I long to see. Sometimes men don't understand that they really need to make their woman feel special- and I mean more than just a little peck on the cheek and a "you look nice, dear." Do you make her feel special on a daily basis? Do you look at her with admiration in your eyes? Women, even those who are very independent, still have that need to feel special and beautiful. The way a man looks at a woman can be the greatest turn-on of all.

I am a Christian, but not a big fan of the church or overly religious people. The biggest problem with the church is "the people". I was forced to go to church until I was old enough to get a job and have the excuse of working on Sundays. My parents sound exactly like your ex wife. So critical of human beings and how they choose to live their lives. I am not like that at all and consider myself am extremely open minded person judging no one for the choices they should be free to make. I believe that many people are republicans because of the tax benefits and their lack of care for the world as a whole. Personally, I believe republicans only share the conservative side of Christianity. REmember Jesus hang out with prostitutes and ****** never judging them. How can these people be like Jesus when they are so overly concerned about only helping themselves. There is nothing truly Christian about being a republican, but for some reason in this country too many people listen to what they hear on FOX news and the political beliefs of their pastor in the pulpit and can't think for themselves. It is just like calling America the freest country in the world. Those people haven't travelled the world much!

She assures me that there is no one else. You would have to read my other stories to get a clearer picture. She is an extremely independent woman who never planned on getting married until she fell head over heels in love with me so she says and she had been proposed to multiple times in her life. She was there with her bestfriend... I know that for a fact because I am good friends with her and her husband that I spoke with on the phone while they were away. Maybe they are secretly lesbians lol

We have very different beliefs and backgrounds. I am Christian she is aetheist. I grew up in a family with both parents still married and she grew up with her mom who never married her dad but he lived across the hall. Our political beliefs are very much the same though. She is truly the most incredible women I have ever met and we do love each other very much and we are both in the same occupation so we have plenty to talk about

Individual and joint therapy...Communication is definately what is killing us. We are angry at each other because we both feel like the other is intentionally hurting the other by the things that we do and say. We both tend to tear each other down instead of build each other up

I have been talking to friends but very little to my family. I spent around $3000 on therapists last year with very little positive results. My family are very traditional and religious people (also very gossipy) and I do not want them to have ill feelings toward my me or my wife or be disappointed in us for having a failed marriage. We would be the first divorce in the family. I also have issues with divorce because I feel that it is giving up and I made a commitment to my wife to be in it for the long haul. I am already the black sheep of my family and a divorce would only give my family something else to be disappointed about. I have been told too many times that I am the F-Up of the family and I have tried so hard to change that and have just recently in the past few years gained their approval. However, I know I must do whatever it takes to make myself happy even if it means that I must get a divorce. I am just not willing to give up quite yet.

Ouch. Don't know much else to say but ouch! You guys have to figure out whether or not you can revive your marriage or else cut your losses and get out. I'm all about saving marriages when you can, but you both have to want to save it or else you just paddle around in circles. Counseling? Tried counseling?