Why...

I am very lonely. I have no one to turn to and I feel like I'm on the verge of a complete breakdown. The scary thing is, I really don't know why. I'm sad all the time. I'm not sleeping. I have really bad panic attacks. And I have no idea why.

I have lived a very privileged life. I have never been in need and everything I have wanted I have gotten (material things that is). I have a family who loves me, parents who support me, a stable job, and I'm healthy. But I feel like any minute my world is going to come crashing down. And I feel that if I don't get it out of my head I will explode. I don't know why or how I let myself get like this. But it is scary. I want to be back to normal. I want to feel happiness. I don't want to make myself sick with worry over I don't even know what. My heart is basically in my throat, struggling to get away from me. I can't make sense of what is going on. I have friends, but not many. I miss who I was. I used to so confident, but now I'd rather hide under the covers all day. I don't want to move. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to fall asleep and wake up when this is over.

I am just rambling. I have all these thoughts that are just popping into my head and I need to get them out. I want a passion. I have no passion for anything in my life. I want to live life to the fullest, but I'm so scared of the consequences. I want to be happy. I want to feel important. I want to have fun. And right now I'm not having fun. I want to be home with my mom snuggling in her bed. I can tell she's not sure what's going on with me. And in our family we don't really talk about things. But I need her desperately. I need anything right now that won't make me feel. I'm feeling every emotion times ten. I'm blowing things out of proportion. I'm focusing on little things that are nothing to everyone else, but they are controlling my life. I want to stop waking up and feeling like I have to vomit. I want to sleep through the night. I want to not be afraid.

I want a lot of things. And these are things my parents can't buy for me. I don't want to be an adult. I want to be little and sheltered and taken care of. Again, more wanting. Want is an odd word to look at. I've been typing it alot and it just looks funny now. I'm losing myself in myself. Everyone tells me I'll be better when I start school in January. But what about until then?? Do I just let this take it course? Will it destroy me and the few relationships I have left in my life? When will I stop hurting? When will I understand why I feel the way I do (which I really can't even put into words)?

I just want to be better. Whatever better is. Because this is not good. I want my mom.