About Me...

I've always been what you would call a "shy" person, not anti-social, just shy, as a child my shyness was intense and crippling ,school was a nightmare and I had very few if any friends. I was secretly envious of the other kids because social interaction always seemed so easy and effortless for them. I wanted so much to be like everyone else, but could never break out of my shell. In my teenage years, I would see the other girls with their boyfriends and worried that because I was so socially isolated, I would be alone forever, anyway fast forward a couple of years, I did start to break out of that isolation a little bit (extremely late bloomer), but was and still am very insecure. I figured better to be with anybody than to be alone, so I ended up in relationships with pretty unsuitable people whom I have very little in common with, relationships I should have turned my back on years ago. I am currently with someone, who battled a pretty intense drug addiction, and as a result could not hold a steady job, got us evicted from several places, pawned some of my valuable jewelery, and eventually stealing and depositing fraudulent checks into my bank account, the last eviction occured while he was in jail and for a time I had to move back in with mom and dad, at age 34(a true low point). It took some time to find another job, and my finances and credit were in such shambles that I ended up losing my car. Now I am at a point where I have absolutely nothing(financially) and feel like I am ruined for everyone else. Nobody wants to be with somebody who has nothing. So, I am back with this man, (he's since cleaned up his act and is employed full-time), I however have lost everything and am more dependant on him than ever. I am now 5 months pregnant with my first child at age37!, and living in total isolation, I don't talk to or see another human being all day, and when he gets home he has no time for me, he doesn't talk to me, just goes to his computer,or spends time with his friends( i don't even get a kiss hello) I have tried explaining how I feel about his inattentivness and it just angers him, so I've pretty much stopped trying and feel resigned to the situation. I joke that I can't wait to have this baby so I can finally have someone to talk to. Getting pregnant in itself was pretty much a miracle since we actually have very little physical contact (we don't even share a bed, he would rather sleep alone most nights). Looking back at what I've written here, I feel so stupid for not getting out sooner and I imagine anyone reading this would also think the same (I've sown these seeds and reaped a crop of **** in return) I wish I could turn back time and not settle out of a sense of lonliness and fear. In spite of everything, I really do think that I deserve better.I know I am a worthwile person, with a lot to offer and I wish I had just hung in there and found someone who could truly appreciate me for the person I am.