What's The Point
I cannot recall the last time I felt joy, happiness, or fulfillment. I'm a 37 yo male who has been told I'm not bad looking, some have said I rate a 7 out of 10, yet I can't find joy in life. I go to work than return home and do nothing else. I haven't been in a relationship in 12 years and that one was a complete fluke. I being an American Sailor was stationed in Britain for 2 years. I was able to get a British girl friend while I was there, yet I believe she only dated me because I was an American. In the last 12 years I have only had one sexual relationship, a one-night-stand. It came out of nowhere. I was 34 then and I was walking my dog a puppy at the time, an 18 year old girl stopped and wanted to talk with my puppy and she inquired about going into the house since it was about 20 degrees outside. One thing leads to another, more that she seduced me, but I didn't protest. I haven't had anyone in my life since then. Sure I have those I work with, but that’s all they are; co-workers. The only thing I feel that I actually succeeded in life was earning my Bachelors degree in Psychology. The last 18.5 years of military service has seemed a complete waste. Sure I got to see many parts of the world, but it meant nothing. I've been on anti-depressants for over a year now and they don't seem to do anything. I have no passion to go out and mingle with people or do anything in general. My parents live 800 miles away, so I only see them about once a year. When I call the conversation goes nowhere, we talk really about nothing. I tell mom, which is a psychologist herself that I'm not doing well, she knows that I am depressed, but she only gives me the same psycho-babble as any therapist has ever said, get out and do something, go talk to people. The fear of even approaching someone that I have an attraction to is like someone strapping a 30 ton anchor to my body and I can't move. My mind goes completely blank and if I do reach her, I act like a babbling idiot. And her being the typical women seeing I have no confidence and can't even talk to her, I'm rejected on the spot. I couldn't even count how many times I've been rejected. I even have tried 6 different dating sites 3 of which were rated as in the top 5 of all dating services. If I just go by the statistics there I have been viewed close to 1200 times and have only had about a dozen people interested. It's short lived and the conversations end within a few emails, even when I ask for a date just so we can meet in person, after we have talked a number of times, I always get some lame excuse or simply never talked to again. I have always been told, don't fret about being rejected ask 30 women out and you probably be rejected by 29 of them, thus I should have a 3% chance if I was a normal human. With my statistics it's more like 0.1% that will even talk to me and it ends quickly. I'm seeing life as more and more pointless. The thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind a couple of times but never attempted it. I guess God has something stored for me, what it is I have no clue, but because of this plan he gets he idea out of my mind. Heh, it wouldn't be hard; 3 guns in the house, a half dozen different meds, a dozen household cleaners, bleach, cramming something into a light socket or the breaker box, walking out in traffic; there are so many options it wouldn't be hard to succeed. Right now I go to work and deal with people on a daily bases but argue with my superiors, remain quiet when I disagree with something or in meetings in general, do as little work as possible. I fear because I retire from the Navy in about 18 months and may not have the motivation to even get another job, isolating myself even more. I think the last time I was even happy when I reflect on things was back when I was about 12 yo and my dad made a model train set for me, I enjoyed that for a time, but grew board of it after a couple years. High school was a nightmare. I had few friends, but was always on the outcast table. The dozen people in school that no one wanted to have nothing to do with us. My grades were dismal and living out away from town I didn't hang out with anyone. Dad wouldn't even let me have my driver’s license until I was 18 and didn't even get to drive much, until I bought my own car after I entered the Navy. If I counted my aspects of my sex life I have been with 4 women (no I'm not gay) one being who I mentioned before, another was a prostitute, a third a good friend but because we were both military we transferred duty stations and lost contact, she was a one-night stand also. Then the British girl which lasted 2 years; so I can say, since I lost my virginity at 23 and being 37 in 14 years or about 5200 days (or about 13,400 days of my entire life) I have had sex less than 300 times. I don't even know where to go from here. Even my standards for what I find attractive has completely gone; race, weight, age mean nothing anymore. The few friends that I have which I rarely go out with have had to stop me when I have been drinking and lost every inhibition, from talking to someone that looked like she was thrown through the ugly tree, thrown again and then hit by a bus. I don't drink much anymore or at least in public. I can't even watch comedy or any movie that portrays sex (everything these days), without going into a complete slump. I've reduced myself to heavy action, horror, sci-fi, fantasy, and history just to avoid anything else. I just simply do not know what to do anymore? I hate myself and the world more and more each day and have no desire to even attempt to make a change. I put on a fake smile at work, most days and pray that the apocalypse would start immediately and just end it all.