I'm Feeling So Lonely That I Feel Sick To My Stomach.

I don't want to be loved for money, I want to be loved for me. Why can't I meet a good lady instead of prostitutes?  I've only been loved for my role as a bread-winner, now I'm unfit to work and totally isolated because I am not wealthy enough for a woman with her own job.  Women kweep saying that if you're looking for Barbie, keep looking; well its just as true for women looking for extra cash, guys like that don't need dating sites, they go to ***** clubs, hire hookers, have affairs, and do whatever else that their money allows them to do- just like "super-model bimbos" get away with whatever they want, too. Neither needs to be on a dating site, and will not likely be there- but thses dating sites are full of real people that could really appreciate and have the willingness to invest into a relationship, but get turned down for the most superficial reasons, and very sadly, few people ever really hook up.  I've virtually given up on the concept of friendship, everybody seems to think that a person has the prerogative of being somebody else besides themself. And long-distance friendships offer very little. This experience project thing seems to me to be the last ditch effort before the plunge into suicide, to me. I don't see how it can help me where I need it. Talking can't help me get out in the world, when there's absolutely nowhere for a guy to go by himself. They few, friends that I have only believe in sex, not love. Honestly, I've never been able to enjoy sex anyway. Probably because my partners loved the money, not me. I wondr if my money ever had an ******? I haven't been held in a meaningful way since I was a very young child. This includes my marriage. She wanted to be married to a guy with a regular job. She got that, but as much as I loved her, she couldn't love. 
I've even tried the churches, looking for compassionate people, who according to the bible should be welcoming to the lonely, broken people of this world, only to discover the source of all the superficiality and prostitution comes from the unbiblical stuff taught and practiced in all denominations today. I have only ever felst loved by God, and by the animals that He has created. 
I am left wondering if humans even have the capability of genuine love anymore- or does everyone just fake it?
evergreen43 evergreen43
46-50, M
3 Responses Apr 7, 2011

Yes there is genuine love, BUT it starts with you. I can understand your frustration, and this feeling of not being love. It's is horrible, but you know that I have learned, and it took a very long time of suffering to learn it that it really starts with nobody but ourselves. We cannot blame anybody else for what WE have chosen for ourselves. Yes, as incredible as it sounds, you chose your way of life. I won't say anymore just yet. Think about it, and see if it sinks in, and makes sense to you because all along, you really do know deep down, what is what.

I think I feel your pain, and can empathize with your situation. I've been divorced three years to what I now see as a truly good person, especially as compared to whats out here. I've struggled with isolation and feelings of despair since, and struggle daily to get a better grasp of who I am and where I am going. As far as money grubbers out there; I refuse to be part of their world and can spot them in a cinch. I think there are available women out there who aren't like that and we have to look truly into ourselves or others (therapists?) for an honest answer to a new approach and outlook. I can't be with the Church myself so no answers there. Hang in there and believe in yourself and the goodnes of others...because its out there.

I can't really forgive my wife, only because I couldn't find her to tell her so, but I can tell you how much I want to, not that I think we should patch things up. We were two broken people in one marriage, pretty simple thing, honestly. She wasn't a bad person- I married her, she married me... I had/have unresolved issues, she had low self-esteem, and a truckload of family drama topped by being in denial of her mother's decline into dementia. That's bad chemistry coming to a logical, if brutal, conclusion. The details for you may be different, but often some similar pattern causes division. Just like anybody else, how many other bad choices have we probably made in the past from childhood. There is no such thing as blame in nature, only learn, adapt and improve. Nobody deserves guilt, anguish or longing. Not you, not I, not them nor anybody else.
It is this realization that I now can distinguish between loving and respecting everyone, and even hating something that they do- its their mistake to learn from, but if you can forgive easily and love unconditionally the learning process becomes a lot more appealing when one knows that regardless of the outcome, there's always love, hope faith, and compassion waiting, right there. You don't need a church, you just need a good bible and as little faith as like a mustard seed, but that little faith must be genuine, not contrived. It is in this that the modern churches have fallen into apostacy- as the bible said would happen.
My point being, that these lessons inevitably teach us the importance we should place on being more compasionate.

You do not need to find a person or be with that person to forgive them. If you think that then you have an erroneous concept of forgiveness. Forgiveness like love is within, and it actually is more beneficial to the self than anybody else because it brings peace.
I would suggest you take some quiet time every day, and do some deep looking. You may not like what you see, at first, but you have faulty perceptions.

Your story is so very true only difference is i an a woman