Vicadin And Insomnia????
Al this pain medication (I had oral surgery yesterday) and I haven't rested all night. 5:30 a.m.....dealing with lonliness is difficult during regular daylight hours. Nighttime is harder. But THESE times are WORST. Something MUST be wrong with me cuz I was still talking and lifting my head up for a while after they started my little "twilight cocktail." They had to tell me to put my head down and be quiet. And, I felt pretty damn un-drugged & normal on our way home. All day and night passed on vicadin and I still never slept longer than an hour and a half. And NO MORE GIN for me!!!! Between Nicky and that damn poison, I'm about losing my ******* mind for real. After the **** I did at honme, ALONE on Monday night, I'm scared for my life. Reebie laughed yesterday (the only person I've told or plan on telling) when I told her about the railroad-track-thing. I've GOT to find someone to talk to. I ******* HATE talking to counselors...it's NEVER had the same effect as talking to someone who really cares about me. But, the people who are supposed to care about me just really don't know how to respond to me whenever I attempt to reveal how I'm rally feeling and what I'm realy thinking about. That just makes me feel even more isolated. I mean, they are visibly frightened and/or uncomfortable. Earl seems to handle it alright....aside from trying to pull me out of the darkness. I mean, that just bothers me because it validates that no one really understands: I stop "walking in darkness" when the darkness breaks up and retreats on its own. It's a cycle that nothing has been able to effect or control. I've tried (more than) five years of meds (one of which almost killed me.) The only "solution" is for me to learn to wait the cycles out. But, it gets really hard when it's THIS dark AND I'm so pumped, at the same time.
ALL I need is love and I just don't understand why it's so hard for people to love me. I figure I must have something to do with keeping people away but, DAMN! I'd rather have nothing from people than their lame, awkward, insincere attempts to act like they give a ****!! I'm SO sick of people telling me I'm wierd and crazy. Not because I give a **** about what people think about me. But, the minute I feel like I need people for ****, I'm confronted with these ****** up images they have of me. I'm SO hurt by no one ever taking me serioulsy. If I feltl like I needed to call someone right now (at such an unGodly hour,) espeically crying the way I am...people'd either just be scared that I was suicidal or respond like, "Not Abby...not now..." like I'm too unstable to ever be anything more than a burden.
ALL I need is love and YES I've begun to feel desperate for it......just the smallest act of kindness from someone I love....just one little gesture from someone to let me know that they see me. I've called the hotline a few times in my life. It's never done much more than make me feel stupid and renew my determination to make it without love or support.
HONEST LOVE, SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING....not just some generic BULLshit.
I miss Edison SO much (my first love, soul-mate, childrens' father and deceased husband.) He was the only person that always loved me...no matter what either of us ever did.
I wish I could call Nicky right now and he would respond with genuine concern and compassion. But, he's making it pretty clear that he just can't (and maybe isn't interested in) getting involved in my mess--he's got enough of his own he's trying to manage. I don't know what his motives have ever truly been with me and it really is like beating my head against a brick wall trying to get answers. The best thing for me to do is leave him alone. All he ever does (now) is make me feel worse. I'm not sure how I ever let it get to this point with him.
I need love. I guess I thought he could give me SOME kind of it. Now, he just always blows me off. Then, he'll call and tell me how much he misses me...and loves me... But, he never comes through. I guess I've just been a way for him to pass his time. He's not even like a real person!!! I try to treat him like a person, a man, but he seems insistent upon acting like some freakish monster. I've been thinking that he's doing that on purpose...to try to scare me away...because I've "turned his whole world upside down" and he's somehow afraid of how he feels about me. But, maybe he's trying to protect me from him and his "ominous behavior."
BUT, I'm convinced that we both need help and why couldn't we just help each other?!? Maybe he doesn't want help. Maybe he's just trying to clog his artieries.
But, I still need love.
It's 6:15 now...maybe I'll be able to go to sleep...but, no...not now cuz I'll have to drive my daughter to school in less than an hour.
10 a.m. and I'm still awake. Only now, I'm once again waiting on Nicky. I don't know how this happens. After Monday night, I was completely convinced that the situation had gotten out of hand for me. He's like a ******* drug. I talked to him this morning...with that child-like, sleepy-eyed innocence on his breath...and, he was like a warm fire burning on Christmas Eve...with the tree, presents, stockings and all. "I miss you," he says. He wants to come see me. And, all my conviction starts s-l-i-d-i-n-g out the window. But, **** that! I'm gonna lay my little white *** down and ******* FORCE it to go to sleep!