I'm A Homebody, But This Is Ridiculous.It's not that I don't like being social. I do. I love being in the company of great people. I adore conversations that go on all night about myriad topics and laughing and listening and talking.
There's a lot that gets in the way, though.
First of all, I'm shy. Not super-shy, but shy enough that I get nervous with new people in social situations. Dates? Forget it. I stammer and stutter, sweat, and say stupid things. Once I'm comfortable with someone, it gets a lot easier. However, when we first meet, I'm constantly worried about what someone thinks, if I'm red-faced, etc.
That leads into the second problem, which is my social anxiety problem. If it's a group of people I know, I'm okay. I don't get nervous or worried. But if we're in a large group of people I don't know? It's like I feel as though I'm under a microscope - I freak out, and I have to leave, often. The stupid thing is this isn't a permanent feeling - some days it hits, others I'm okay. But it's there often enough to make it a problem.
Third, I just don't have anyone in my life who wants to be friends. Everyone I've ever cared about has, for one reason or another, decided not to be a part of my life anymore. Maybe it's me, maybe it's them, maybe it's circumstance - whatever it is, it's left me alone. I spent most of my time away from work at home, with my cats. I like TV, reading, and I write quite often, but still, the company of another human being would be the most exciting thing in the world to me. I do have a few friends, but they all live far away and can't always be there when I need them.
I just want that person who knows I'm there for them at 3am no matter what, and who'll be there for me for the same.
Seems that's too much to ask, though.
jacoffee 31-35, M 4 Responses 0 Aug 7, 2011