I Am 25 Year Old Woman And Have Never Been In A Relationship

Is it normal to get to 25 and never have experienced love? I mean love in the romantic sense. Is it possible to be reasonably attractive, friendly and relatively outgoing, and never have been loved by someone, and never been in love with someone?

For most of my life, I never really craved romantic love. I have a very close and tight-knit family and a wonderful group of friends. I never felt a lack of love or attention. I even used to secretly love the feeling of being alone when surrounded by couples. It used to make me feel independent and different to other girls (sounds kinda crazy, I know). Even as my friends went into long term relationships, got engaged and married, I never felt that twinge of sadness that most single women feel. I was incredibly excited for them, and knew my day would come one day.

But as I get older, I face the saddening prospect that my day might never come. Not everybody is lucky enough to have a fairytale finish. The thing that most saddens me, is that I may live my life and miss out one of the most fundamental and beautiful of human experiences. I have always been someone who is deeply engaged in life. I love to travel, to socialise, to try new things- I am constantly trying new activities and interests, not necessarily to meet new people, but because I genuinely just love life.

I come across as a relatively confident person, well groomed and am quite easily able to make conversation with new people. This is why most people are astonished when they discover I am still a virgin.  I have always hoped for that one true love, one special guy that I share this part of myself with. I am not the sort of girl that will have one-night stands or hook up with strangers. I often spend many a Friday and Saturday night home with family. Don't get me wrong- I enjoy going out/ clubbing every now and again, but getting drunk and hooking up with random guys has never appealed to me. 

Underneath the independent woman facade, lies low self-esteem. I have had some experiences in the past which have probably shaped who I am today.

All through high school, I was painfully shy. Being asked a question by the teacher, or anything which made me the focus of attention, would be torturous. I was an unattractive, socially awkward but studious teenager. My friends often got attention from the guys, while I am pretty sure I went through high school with most guys not even knowing my name. 

I was a late bloomer. I came out of my shell much more in university. I threw myself into campus activities and volunteer work. Finally I was not the ugly duckling, and people would comment that I was  quite ‘pretty.’ People that knew me at university, would probably never have guessed how shy and awkward I used to be. I only dated two guys in university (neither for very long.) Both were just ‘dating’ situations and not real relationships.

Hit the corporate world at 22. My line of work requires that I act confident. This can be hard, because underneath I am not. I have met lots of new people and made friends with many men since started work, however nothing has ever blossomed into anything romantic.  I know that I am not unattractive anymore, but something deep within my psyche still makes me doubt myself. Even though many years have passed, something still makes me feel like the ugly and awkward kid I used to be. My friends know me as a warm, caring and sweet person. But it’s almost a cycle- men are not interested, and because of this, I feel there is something wrong with me and I am somehow not worthy of love. Because I have never been actively pursued, I assume that I am too boring and uninteresting to ever a hold a man's attention for very long. 

I have had a few guys interested, but unfortunately I did not feel the same way and did not want to lead them on.  I have had some female friends comment that men think I am too hard to get. This is not my intention- I am very friendly, but when a guy seems interested in being more that friends, I become a little more guarded about whether I should trust his intentions. I also deeply value my independence and freedom, and any guy that seems a bit clingy makes me run a mile.

It's funny how some parts of your life can be going so well, and others can be a disaster. Normally I have never let this get to me, but in recent weeks it has really been playing on my mind. I know this is a bit of an essay, and most people probably don’t care- I suppose I just had to get it off my chest. Any advice or words of wisdom would be welcome. 
FlowerChild1987 FlowerChild1987
22-25, F
19 Responses Oct 9, 2011

hello dear i am just like u lonely and single i am 26 would love to be freinds with you as we have a lot in common add me in facebook i hope we can be good friends


Same story. I don't know why I am a single virgin. I date a lot but never feel a connection or they with me. It makes me sad sometimes. Thanks for sharing. I hope it works out for both of us

I totally get you. I have pretty much the same exact story as you, and it is refreshing to hear that I am not alone with my worries. It is disheartening when friends say, "Don't worry" or "it will happen when you least expect it." Since you wrote this a couple of years ago, I was wondering if you have found what you are looking for yet? I sincerely hope you have/do. :)

ur story pretty much matches mine, im a 24 yr female with similar family n work background ,,,,,,,,i cant beleive uv just put in my situation in ur words. But nowadays i feel some feeling building up in my chest/heart donno,,,,i feel at the edge most of the time......its a feeling of excitement, nervousness r happiness donno......but its started to freak me out. do u think i am developing some need to b in a relationship. and this feeling becomes stronger when i c around couples

Do give me ur feedback.flowerchild87

"I have had a few guys interested, but unfortunately I did not feel the same way and did not want to lead them on." <br />
<br />
First, you think that love is some bolt of lightning across a crowded room. That sort of love rarely lasts and there are plenty of failed marriages.<br />
<br />
If those men are interested, go on dates. You might discover they are unsure and nervous, just like you.<br />
<br />
"I have had some female friends comment that men think I am too hard to get. This is not my intention- I am very friendly, but when a guy seems interested in being more that friends, I become a little more guarded about whether I should trust his intentions."<br />
<br />
So "I am very friendly, until someone is friendly to me and then...."<br />
<br />
You are setting a minefield up. Then anytime someone walks towards you you blow up a few mines and wonder why they are not walking towrds you?<br />
<br />
"I also deeply value my independence and freedom, and any guy that seems a bit clingy makes me run a mile."<br />
<br />
I am going to recommend therapy. I think a good professional psychologist might be able to help you SEE exactly what you are doing.<br />
<br />
But fact: you do not want a relationship. You sound like you are hoping for some sort of convenience arrangement where you have a relationship only when you want it.<br />
<br />
You sound mentally unsure and unaware.

hi dragon, appreciate the reply. i had never seen it from that angle, but you make a fair point and there's probably a bit of truth to what you say. This is an area I am pretty unsure about- I'm scared of giving up all the good things about the single lifestyle, but at the same time, want to experience the happiness of being in a relationship. Ah, fickle heart!

I have been alone for twelve years since my wife died. I have had a few relationships, but none in last 6 years. Perfect fantasy or messy reality. I still will take the messy

"...Elvis has left the building..."

Don't worry its good to be picky. I hope i can be as confident as you are when its time for me to enter the corporate world.

We could be twins you know, i also have similar heart-problem with you(also around your age).<br />
The way I see it? Life has a lot of surprises. One of my cousin told me that I should be grateful I don't jump from a heart to aother heart, that I don't have to be repeatedly heartbroken. Since I got crushes here and there, I assume the heartbreak here is the serious one that can be borned from serious relationship goes astray.<br />
Maybe eventually I'll find someone who'll be my future husband, but the point is: I suddenly realize that for others who already experienced such heartbreak- my clean-state(and yours) is enviable. Try to listen to the women who has been forced to be single-parents due to irresponsible partner. Try to listen to the men/women whose partners cheat on them.<br />
Compared to them, we can be listeners- we can observe the wacky relationships and dwell on it without having the heartbreak. Now what they say again: wise people learn from theirs and others' mistakes. Maybe that's the role reserved for us- we could learn from others' relationships as we go on searching for our own love stories.<br />
The world is how you see it. If you see the bad side from your single-status then you'll be depressed and can't see the good perks from being single.<br />
Talk to me again if you need someone to listen- and share opinion- I may also need you to pull me from the ashes when I got depressed and forget my own words(heyy I am human girl, I also got depressed now and then about it!).

There is nothing wrong with you. I know several people who were in the same situation, although I hazzard to call it a situation. Ture love is formed out of other relationships. Those often come from school or in the workplace. If you went to an all girl school and work in a dress shop, there's not a whole lot of action for you.<br />
<br />
do you live in a "Small" town? Did you have any "bad" relationships? Did you have a good childhood? etc. Do you know what "Love" is?<br />
<br />
Friends of mine have had success with some of the online dateing sites, but rarely does it actually happen in the bar scene. If your just looking for a hookup then yea, but not love. Few and far between there.<br />
<br />
Give it time, and it will happen, keep an open heart at all times the moment you shut yourself to the opportunity the right one will come along. Murphy's law.<br />
<br />
Keep putting yourself out there, pay attention, and it will happen...

What most people think of as love isn't and this is where the disappointment comes. I'm 46 in a couple weeks, and have even been married but I've never been loved or desired by anybody. They only wanted SOMEBODY/ANYBODY with a stable income to spend on them.

First time i fell in love i was 24.*im picky*

Hi cheeco, glad to hear are there are others out there who experience it a bit later in life too- nothing wrong in being choosy :)

I think now its the time for your to get with someone.Its hard to live alone

Ewww a virgin who knows how to read? I want someone who is a real virgin. I'll bet you are potty trained and know how to dress yourself and everything. I'll bet you know how to use a knife and fork.<br />
<br />
Go out and find a few older men who will teach you about sex. Then go mercy fock about 10 or 20 dorky geeks.<br />
<br />
Please remember you did not graduate from college BEFORE you went to elementary school.<br />
<br />
But in relationships you are setting yourself up to find "Mr. Right" before you have even learned the steps of the dance.

ur just a motherfocker. Who can only do focking, u r so disgusting who focked his mom when she gave u birth. U r just a motherfocker and the potty untrained are way way better than you motherfocker. Yuckz on you sick focker.

The lyrical quality of your prose is stunning.

hey u just typed in my story, but mine is much worse. I was rejected. Anyway.. i would love to b ur frnd.

i know how you feel. I was a virgin sexually and romantically even in kissing til I was 32 and am 34 now. I had experiences when I was 32 but none were willing. Don't feel bad. I was raped repeatedly but although I am 34, I am still waiting for my first willing kiss and my first willing time. Your time will come if it is meant for you to have a romantic life. :) I just hope you know you aren't alone in this world in the matter of inexperience.

hi, thanks so much for your sharing your story. Am very sorry to hear about your experience, but stay positive- your time come too :)

I dont think you have anything to worry about. I understand how you may envy other couples but I it will happen for you too.


"As WithIn, So WithOut." You Are A Mirroring Being-Presence.

I envy you ~~~!!!! I am 41 and feel 81 because I have had a LOT of relationships and a couple of marriages and 6 kids and STUFF...I would LOVE to be innocent and virginal as an adult...I feel so old and used up lol...Seriously, the grass is always greener but try to enjoy the peace and serenity of being a whole person ((hugs))

thank for your sweet words :) I suppose you are right- everyone has their own struggles and issues and the grass always looks greener on the other side...

u have 6 kids!! wow!!! I can kill to have that many kids. U r so lucky.