I Am 25 Year Old Woman And Have Never Been In A RelationshipIs it normal to get to 25 and never have experienced love? I mean love in the romantic sense. Is it possible to be reasonably attractive, friendly and relatively outgoing, and never have been loved by someone, and never been in love with someone?
For most of my life, I never really craved romantic love. I have a very close and tight-knit family and a wonderful group of friends. I never felt a lack of love or attention. I even used to secretly love the feeling of being alone when surrounded by couples. It used to make me feel independent and different to other girls (sounds kinda crazy, I know). Even as my friends went into long term relationships, got engaged and married, I never felt that twinge of sadness that most single women feel. I was incredibly excited for them, and knew my day would come one day.
But as I get older, I face the saddening prospect that my day might never come. Not everybody is lucky enough to have a fairytale finish. The thing that most saddens me, is that I may live my life and miss out one of the most fundamental and beautiful of human experiences. I have always been someone who is deeply engaged in life. I love to travel, to socialise, to try new things- I am constantly trying new activities and interests, not necessarily to meet new people, but because I genuinely just love life.
I come across as a relatively confident person, well groomed and am quite easily able to make conversation with new people. This is why most people are astonished when they discover I am still a virgin. I have always hoped for that one true love, one special guy that I share this part of myself with. I am not the sort of girl that will have one-night stands or hook up with strangers. I often spend many a Friday and Saturday night home with family. Don't get me wrong- I enjoy going out/ clubbing every now and again, but getting drunk and hooking up with random guys has never appealed to me.
Underneath the independent woman facade, lies low self-esteem. I have had some experiences in the past which have probably shaped who I am today.
All through high school, I was painfully shy. Being asked a question by the teacher, or anything which made me the focus of attention, would be torturous. I was an unattractive, socially awkward but studious teenager. My friends often got attention from the guys, while I am pretty sure I went through high school with most guys not even knowing my name.
I was a late bloomer. I came out of my shell much more in university. I threw myself into campus activities and volunteer work. Finally I was not the ugly duckling, and people would comment that I was quite ‘pretty.’ People that knew me at university, would probably never have guessed how shy and awkward I used to be. I only dated two guys in university (neither for very long.) Both were just ‘dating’ situations and not real relationships.
Hit the corporate world at 22. My line of work requires that I act confident. This can be hard, because underneath I am not. I have met lots of new people and made friends with many men since started work, however nothing has ever blossomed into anything romantic. I know that I am not unattractive anymore, but something deep within my psyche still makes me doubt myself. Even though many years have passed, something still makes me feel like the ugly and awkward kid I used to be. My friends know me as a warm, caring and sweet person. But it’s almost a cycle- men are not interested, and because of this, I feel there is something wrong with me and I am somehow not worthy of love. Because I have never been actively pursued, I assume that I am too boring and uninteresting to ever a hold a man's attention for very long.
I have had a few guys interested, but unfortunately I did not feel the same way and did not want to lead them on. I have had some female friends comment that men think I am too hard to get. This is not my intention- I am very friendly, but when a guy seems interested in being more that friends, I become a little more guarded about whether I should trust his intentions. I also deeply value my independence and freedom, and any guy that seems a bit clingy makes me run a mile.
It's funny how some parts of your life can be going so well, and others can be a disaster. Normally I have never let this get to me, but in recent weeks it has really been playing on my mind. I know this is a bit of an essay, and most people probably don’t care- I suppose I just had to get it off my chest. Any advice or words of wisdom would be welcome.
FlowerChild1987 22-25, F 19 Responses 4 Oct 9, 2011