Ever Feel Like People Forgot You Exist?I'm re-posting this because I totally managed to put it in the wrong spot the first time.
What's up everybody? Ok, well here goes. I live in a small town in South Carolina and there is absolutely nothing to do around here. Literally, nothing. You know, unless you like staring at grazing cows. I use that as a preface because I know someone is going to say "you need to get out more." Where? Wal-Mart? I googled things to do in my town and the only result was a fire department museum. You think I'm kidding. I'm not.
Anyway, I went to a small private school for my whole bloody life, about 12 years in fact. Well, I left in tenth grade to do some homeschooling/tricounty stuff and it's like I fell off the face of the earth. Now I'm in my senior year and things look just like they did two years ago. Boring. I really didn't have much of a social life in school and now that I'm not going anymore, all these people I've known since we were four or five have completely forgotten I exist. Just like that. No one ever calls, no one ever messages me or sends me a text just to see if I'm still alive. (I'm not depressed or anything so don't worry, this isn't going to turn into one of those "why do I even bother, maybe I should just die" things. I just need to vent.) Now before I go any further, I do need to say that I have one really good friend and I thank God for him everyday but he's got his own life going on with his on-again-off-again girlfriend, sports and school and such. Well, that's essentially my problem. Oh, and while I prefer my space, I'm not really an introvert. When ever I'm around people I'm usually pretty boisterous and often the center of attention. Not really because I want to be, that's just how it happens. Everybody seems to like me and I'm always making people laugh.
My days consist of waking up at 2, video games, I might eat something, go to bed at 3 am, repeat. That's about it. No one ever calls me up to go do something. Ever. At all. If I want to talk to someone (usually on facebook) I constantly have to initiate the conversation. And it usually doesn't last very long or they don't even reply. And I always feel like I'm bothering them. I've about given up on that. I can post something up online inviting people to a movie or to go do something but apparently everybody is too busy with their own thing and just ignores it. So, on the days where I absolutely can't stay in the house I grab a book and go to the coffee shop downtown. Of course, all that happens there is everybody sits in their respective corners, sips their coffee and tries to avoid any kind of eye contact. And that's assuming I'm even awake.
I get off a sleeping schedule really easily so usually I'm up all night and asleep all day. Night is when it all really gets to me. Everybody is asleep, it's dark and I've got even less of a chance of conversing with someone. It's really bad when you feel lonely and you want to talk to someone about it but you know you really can't. I can't just send a message to some random person throwing my inner most feelings all up in their grill at two a.m. Besides, I don't work like that. I usually keep my cards close to my chest and I don't expect anybody to really ask me about them. Despite the fact I was know as Dr. Phil for a while because I was constantly helping people with THEIR issues. I'm getting off track here, sorry. Back to the whole night thing. I usually just plug in the guitar for a while or get on my stationary bike, turn off all the lights, and listen to my music for 7 or 8 miles. But, you know, after the fourth week in a row of that you really feel like bashing your head against a wall in a boredom induced fit of hysteria.
And my lack of a social life has affected me in another way. I've been trying to get a band together for two years. TWO YEARS! I'm really ambitious when it comes to music but nobody will give me the time of day and it's really getting me down. I don't want to be a bedroom rockstar. I want to be out there in front of people, preforming, but I've completely failed in that aspect. And I'm looking at going to Decatur, GA next year for school and I feel like once I go, my chances of ever becoming a real musician will officially be deader than Lindsay Lohan's career. The only bright side is maybe it'll be a fresh start and I can make some more friends but something tells me it's probably not going to happen like I want it to.
Sometimes I feel like accepting the fact that I'm pretty much going to be a loner my whole life. In all honesty it's actually kind of reassuring to think that way because it means that I'm going to be making my own path. Which is good because I refuse to be another normal plebeian who works in a cubicle his whole life, dies, and contributes nothing to the world. I'm going to be remembered for something before I die, even if I have to get there by myself. The problem is the in between. Everybody has the basic human desire to find a mate, settle down and raise the next generation. The desire to be needed or loved, the desire to feel like we are useful to someone else. Sometimes it's just really hard to suppress the emotional side of your brain and it all gets to be a little much. Especially when you don't have a good outlet.
Well, that's my rant. I just needed to get that out there, even if it is to the internet and a bunch of people I don't know at all.