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Next Door To The Dark

This is the hardest story I've yet had to write. Harder than describing my nightmares or asking questions about my father. Harder even than the first time I wrote a story that I had to limit to adults. Admitting to being lonely irks me. It feels like every keystroke is yanking something loose from its moorings deep inside.

I have worked hard, so damnably hard, to get here. To be on my own, across a foreign border, with autonomy and the room to stretch my wings. But the courage to do it ? The ability ? The... desire ?

I don't believe in loneliness. I put up a pretty good advert campaign to indicate that if you're lonely, you need to get to know yourself better. That if you don't like your own company you oughtn't to expect anyone else to enjoy it. And yet, here I sit, alone in my house, at my very own dining table *** desk, and I wish I had someone to whom to describe my feelings. As though they would be more real spoken aloud.

Nothing about my story is that unique or special. I am just one of many. That hurts, too. I need that distinction. I need to be a woman apart, because without it I lose my sense of self. I need to see my singular light reflected in someone else's eyes. Even if they dislike me. That's all right, as long as they have an opinion.

My own eyes are dull. There is a groundswell of what should be emotion, but instead is that blessed numbing silence, and I want to sink into it. I want to let it envelop me and let the forgetfulness take me. But if there were someone... perhaps I would rather talk it out and then go do something. Anything.

I hate admitting to being lost because I am the girl who was never lost. I can't be lonely because I am the girl who wants to be alone. Just... maybe not forever.
RascallyRabbit RascallyRabbit 31-35, F 32 Responses Apr 7, 2012

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You really like to be alone? You're better than I am for that one. If you wanna rap you can always talk to me.

i really do... but i'm a creepy writer type and i have depression. so maybe it's not natural? dunno. but thank you. it's kind of you.

Like I said you ever get tired of being alone come find me:). What do you write?

well i've written a LOT here, if not recently. also, poetry, short stories.. PM me and i'll link you up.

A friend of mine told me: " if you once realy get lost, not being able to find a self even your own self any more then you will find the God. Dissolving the selves including your own self in the God, you will no longer be cristallised as an ego with features, so you will be one with all which means that you always will be alone but never lonely. To be alone is to be all-one."

This was beautifully written.

I wake up every morning feeling this, as many of you might, too. In school I have trouble with kids beating me up. My parents could give a damn, and most of my friends do drugs and drink, providing little to no support. I always put a lot of effort into schoolwork, mainly being that I have nothing better to do than to sit in my room for two hours, practicing algebra geometry. I hate middle school, but mostly just that hormones and a constant unacceptance from my friends getting the best of me. I wish I actually had a companion that doesn't do drugs or drink. I'm outcasted as a loner, and seek attention at times when not appropriate. I just want it to stop. As young as I am, I understand this completely. Keep trudging on! -Ky

and yourself, Ky! Middle school hell is only mitigated by the fact that it can only last til you graduate. It was perfectly awful for me, too. I feel your pain.

Hey if I need to come out there and stompa mmud hole in some busters for you let me know. Nobody touches you! Feel me fam?

I feel this story myself. I have always preferred to be alone..even with a partner..yet I am so lonely. I need no one yet I think I search for that one special person that I can share myself with so I am alone no more. And yes, it really bites to have to admit to needing someone. I think perhaps sometimes this is where I need to work with myself..that needing someone to share my life with isn't weak..but a natural human need. I think we become lost in our quest for independence and self strength. And lack of trust does not help either. ..Hugs

Hi so strange but I read your story and know what you mean. I feel so lonely all the time and most of the time I have no one to talk to. I try my best to live each moment an dnot think too much of the future. This has helped to cope and live in the present without going into depression. Always try to look at the positives in your life. I hope this will help you. Bless you.

im also home alone right now...forcing myself to study and cooking to pass time...everyday is a drag for me...i feel so lonely in a world full of people...i feel the exact way that you feel....im here.

For a long time I thought I was on top of the world. A beautiful marriage, awesome kids, prosperous business, and a supportive family. Then the inevitable happened, like many of us today once the economy plummeted all went to hell. I almost lost my sanity. But God! nothing but my faith got me through this horrific storm. Today I may no longer have all of the material and monetary things that at one point made my life so much easier, but I have something greater and thats peace of mind! I also have a God who promised never to leave us nor forsake us. So when you feel lonely remember that although you cant physically see or feel him, his spirit lies within you. Its only for a season and he will bring you through! Promise!!! rosepetals xoxo

Wow your so smart :-D I get what your feeling....actually, I don't. I haven't been lonely that long and I guess I'm not smart enough like u bcuz I didn't understand some of the stuff u said...I hope I never do.
Best of luck :-)

um... thanks, and i'm sorry ? ... erm... * awkward *

Lol ppl always feel awkward around me!

Damn girl, you can write.

Agreed

thank you!!

First of all! No one deserves to be lonely, secondly! I feel scared right now because the way you guys talk about loneliness, sounds like something I wouldn't want to be... But! I'm beginning to feel that way, but I still look at it like I'm "loving myself". So if you'd like that person to give you that listening ear with honest opinions, advice and hopefully love, I can be that person. And lastly! I just bumped into site... Had an instant connection to it. One less lonely heart!

Hi.. thank you......,, you have said all that I feel. I'm nearly 60 years old I have raised my 2 adult children ..they have their lifes where I am needed only for baby sitting...Your words just spoke my heart ache.... This week I signed all that I have work for ...I put them up for sale as my X business partner walked out on me...last year.. I will loose everything, with no future in front of me & I'm doing this without my family surport, my loneliness drowns me in it...What you said makes me know I am one of many who are living this life the same way..Thank you Jill

please know, Jill, that i do not like your story, but the fact that you told it. it is good, at times, to find that others are sharing our pain.

Its okay to be lost and lonely as long as your there for yourself. I'm a big loner, besides finding company and trying to make friends, i spend a lot of time alone. It helps me to realize that sometimes i could too, scream **** the world.

raise a little hell, darling

I am also lonely. On purpose. And I too, yearn for some communication. I am the extreme case! I used to be "the man" to everyone, involved & popular. I now live deep in the forest, on a secret island. My whole life is secret, yet everything I am & everything I have would make me very popular with most people. I am an artist & an inventor. Good looking & very wise. I had to stand up for what is right in this world, and for that, I lost everyone. Now I am preparing to spread my ideas and concepts to make the world a better place. I am the most unique person you'll ever talk to. If you want someone to listen, answer your questions about life, or just to chat with someone genuine, please feel free to send me a message. If not, I assume you've conquered your loneliness, & I wish you all the very best! XO

Have some kids---You will diffinently will not be alone

lol not the best reason i've ever heard for reproducing

There's nothing wrong with you. These feelings are not abnormal or unhealthy. I don't know what the solution is but maybe talking it over would help? Do you have friends or family you can talk to? There are people who will listen. If you want to message me, I'll listen. Maybe you don't quite know what you want yet. I hope you find your way and if I can help in any way, let me know.

This is inspiringly honest.

Loneliness is definitely a place that ones does not desire to dwell. Been there and yet I still am a lot of the time. I find my outlets in places online but that only solves part of the loneliness. The physical loneliness is harder to solve when you don't feel the need to go outside comfort zones and play in areas that will result in pain and which could result in even more loneliness. A vicious circle at times. I guess those of us who experience do the best we can to defeat it.

This too shall pass. I have added you to my circle. If you so choose, you do not have to be lonely. I may not always be instantly available, but if you reach out to me , I will reach back. If you listen to the words, and between the words, in these posts, you must know that several people have thought about you recently. We are thinking kind and caring thoughts. It may not give you 'the one', and it may not be exactly what you want. But you can be and not be alone. Let my words sink in, keep them handy. And if need be, contact me and I'll make an audio recording so that you can actually hear the caring and concern in someone's voice. No one need be left alone. But it is the doom of humanity that we forget. 200 years ago, written words in a letter were all that kept soldiers going on the battlefield. You waited months for something to be shipped to you. Today, we want the video now, and where is my overnight package?<br />
Take a moment, smell the breeze, hear our words, and know you are cared about... *hugs* j

I feel your pain and sadness. Thankfully the lonelyness you feel will only be temporary.<br />
We all go through those moments. But, because we are strong women, it only last as long as we let it. We struggle in it, we fight through it, and we let it beat us. But only for a time. Then we have enough. We fight back, we stand tall, and we defeat it.<br />
It may not always be permanent. Few things in life ever are. But we know how to win the war. And you are a fighter, and you are never alone.

Shortly after the end of a poorly lived marriage and the death of two immediate family members, I moved to a city where I knew very few people, and poured myself into a new job that seemed a career and new activities. The first year I was there, I felt a greater sense of loneliness than I've experienced before or since. I made some friends quickly, but they were friends of convenience and loose connections.<br />
<br />
The connections I longed for weren't there. Before long, they were. You took a difficult step in putting this story into words and another in posting it here. You aren't surrounded at your table, yet you are surrounded here by those who enjoy and admire you. The touch of your hand or gentle rub of your neck we may not provide today, but the love and caring is there to be certain.

thank you, for present affection and for future hope.

Isn't it ironic that all our lives we are taught to be independant and once we finally achieve it, we feel no joy and find ourselves lonely.

I feel the same way you do. It is hard doing things on your own and wanting to be alone, but than you still want someone to be there. Sometimes I want someone to be in my presence and not talk to me and thats how i feel like im not alone. You write so beautifully and even though there isn't someone there physically to talk to you, we are all talking to you now and we are listening.

thank you k3. it's nice to meet you. I do sympathise with that sentiment you expressed, wanting someone to be there but not talk to you ? Only I phrased it differently. It came out something like, " sit there. shhhhh. just sit. " and... it didn't work. but maybe, one day, someone will be capable of it, and it will be good. meanwhile, thank you for listening.

The dark prison of depression, so painful to read about, let alone to write about... I can understand why this was difficult. Were you not such a strong writer, your tears may have flowed faster than did these words. Sometimes the pain is such that it feels as if the very soul itself is crying. I commend you for the work you do. It shows you have a fighting spirit. This is not an easy thing to beat, takes more than just a word or two of encouragement. It's a battle and a half, not something that can be comprehended without experience. I see you fighting. Don't stop.

JMO, i wouldn't like to have to admit to the number of tears in this day. Many of them managed to remain unshed, but that didn't make them less valuable to me. Thank you for honouring the sacrifice it takes to bleed this story out loud. You're right, I am a fighter. Somedays, even the fighters get knocked out. I'll try to come back swinging to morrow.

Fighting a hard battle involves taking a knock, again and again. I don't doubt for a second some days you will be floored. No shame in that. Sometimes out for a good long time. No shame in that either. The body sometimes needs it. But keep learning and using stronger techniques and you can win. I say this from experience. Small relapses can happen and do, but the outcome is a truly changed person, more able and understanding than others I believe.

Lonliness . . . for many of us it is not about our situation but about what is inside our heads. We need - are desperate - to make a connection with someone, and yet, that connection is so difficult to make. It really is.

it's particularly difficult when you don't want to make it, layne. when with all your heart you want to believe that it isn't necessary, but your soul is splitting you in twain, yanking free to find someone with whom to share its lacks and its victories.

We all want to find it, R. We need it. We are not solitary creatures, we are social creatures.

drop a note and we'll be with you.<br />
<br />
but -- you will reconnect. and you know it.

thank you, nell. i suppose somewhere inside i do know it. and i'm grateful for friends like you who were there when I wasn't sure I would.

If you need an ear I can help.

sometimes it's good to talk to a stranger, and they don't come much stranger than me!

Strange is good. Sometimes the ear of a stranger is just what's needed.. someone who doesn't have dripping history or a claim on you, someone who can hear you without changing one whit of their opinion of you. It's a beautiful offer, jimjbubba, and does not go unappreciated.

It's real if you need it! I hope you feel better.

I can appreciate that this was hard to write, Rabbit....you've accomplished A LOT rcently and now you are taking some time to just BE and it's a different feeling. Being down like this is temporary but it's ok... you wouldn't be human otherwise. Plus, you have everyone here to talk to and we are pretty FABULOUS;-P. Vent away.. it can be good for the soul.

Thank you, RR... I don't take the time to realise How Far I've Come before I stare down the barrel of What Yet Must Be Done. You're right.. y'all are pretty fabulous. It's true. And I wouldn't want to bring the party down, so maybe I could get a couple of bottles of wine and y'all can spin records downstairs while I brood ?

Naw. You never vent. So vent away... we'll hold you up. And down the wine. We'll hold your hair back if you get sick later... ;-P Oh and we'll say, "Not on the shoes! Not on the Louboutin's!"

What does one say to another who says she feels lonely? Encouragement and that it is a temporary . . . very temporary . . . situation? Amazement because the same person typically writes with enthusiasm, hope and excitement? An "AttaGirl!" and tell her she has scores of friends who would gladly write or talk through a down period with her?

all three, Katie.. and then you mail her a joke and she laughs. Thank you for your gentle kindness and your insouciant silliness. It matters.