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Presented With A Choice.

As I travel home next week I will be presented with a problem. Go home, and go back to the same boring isolation cycle that I am happy to be out of currently, or stop in the town that was once my home, lay low to avoid the many people that would like my head on a platter, and see the girl I have been with recently. To clarify, breaking up with my ex-girlfriend all but put up a death warrant on me, and even though I have been with this girl recently, I do not know how I feel about her. I feel as if I miss her, or maybe it is more I miss her company because I am lonely. It seems we barely talk anymore, and if we do it’s about nothing or it’s an argument. I guess that is my fault, as I often do not try to communicate with her, nor am I very agreeable. She loves me, I have feelings for her. I love her, but it’s not the love that I’d sing off a rooftop and she loves me much more than I love her. It doesn’t help that the last time we saw each other, it was a disaster at best, but when we actually get along, Its wonderful. We smile, joke, and laugh, which is often not on the list of things I do every day. If she got to see me, it would make her week. Spending time with her, I’d probably feel a bit less lonely, but I know she and I are not meant for each other. In any case, my heart says to see her, my brain tell me otherwise. I know one should follow their heart, but the feeling isn’t strong enough for me to mentally override the fact I think it’s a bad idea. I’ve been juggling this decision for awhile now, and I have put it off till the last second. I have till Sunday afternoon to decide. Your opinion would greatly be appreciated. Thanks

TranscendentOne TranscendentOne 18-21, M 3 Responses May 5, 2012

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My idea is that you need to do some soul searching and self-reflection... Like writing in a journal about any ideas, thoughts, feeling, fears, etc. you have. I think it would be premature to end the relationship ba<x>sed on what you have written. If you are verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, than you probably need to resolve what ever is causing you to do that to other people before you can have a healthy relationship. I don't know your background, I don't know what happened with your ex-girlfriend although it sounds like something happened that was negative. I don't know the nature of your arguments which would allow for a better analysis. I think you need to do your part to stop the arguments with her. I think you need to take the initiative to call her and treat her better. Most women are socialized and taught that they must wait for the male to call and ask us out .... We are told if we call one time too much, it appears to be suffocating to the guy so it is a no, no. I think if you prematurely end the relationship, you would be missing out on important lessons about yourself in a relationship. The conflict with your "pilot" and "navigator" needs to be rectified .... They need to be in sync with each other.

I spent a year or two truly soul searching, and I was surprised at the results. I thought I had it figured out until I actually met real life. I let things get out of control, i let myself be controlled, until i got into such a big mess that i quite literally all but changed my life in a matter of minutes. I turned toward this person because she was the only person that would truly accept me for who and what I am. Yes, I know i have to work on not being so bitter. I am a bitter man, as I deal with ptsd. I do not know how to get out of my shell with her, nor even look her in the eyes. Thanks again for advice.

Ah...now that's an entirely different kettle of fish! You may be running away from her and sabotaging out of fear...I know for myself, close relationships are f*cking terrifying...I have no idea why my wife puts up with the horrible way I act sometimes.

It probably wouldn't be good for her one way or the other if you decided not to see her again. Our brains are not reliable and neither are our feelings... The idea is that our feelings are the navigator and our brain/mind, the pilot.. If the pilot ignores the navigator and goes it alone, s/he is flying in the dark not know where he is going. If the navigator believe s/he is the pilot, than s/he will go everywhere and feel like they can have relationships with everyone (on a positive note, if the feelings are positive) or s/he will go no where and feel they can't have relationships with anyone (on a negative note, if the feelings re negative) .... So we have to practice letting the pilot do their job and the feelings do their job because each one regulates the other... You can also state that feeling in this scenario can be replaced by "Perception+subjectivism" and brain/mind in this scenario can be replaced by "Logical/Analytical/rational"<br />
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Sometimes people will perceive (feel) that they are only thinking with their mind (rational) when in fact if they self-reflected they would realize it is self-sabotage... Especially when their is major conflict involved or when we are talking about relationships. Could it be that you want to end thing with her because you don't want to be the one hurt if she breaks up with you first? And/or Could it be that you feel you aren't any good for her because of any self-defeating/self-sabotaging behaviors that you act on? Which makes it so you are lonely?

Sad to say, but we aren't dating, we merely act as we do. I would want to end things with her, because she isn't right for me, nor am I right for her. Beyond my inhibitions i know that is true. We have tried and failed to be happy with one another for five years. Both her and I have problems the other can't help with or compliment. But i feel as if i do have feelings for her, and she truly does love me. Maybe your right, and Its all deluded in my head, but right now i can't make any sense of it either way. Thanks for the advice though, I appreciate it.

Why is she a bad idea?

She is my opposite. Wild, Open in feeling, Loves attention. While I am stoic, closed off, and likes to remain in the back round. We have very little in common, and often our personalities spark a bit. I suppose I don't give her enough credit on how she works with me, and often i don't return the favor. Things work when we are person 75% of the time, but if we text we hardly get along. Its how its been for the last five years when we are together. I'm not saying its entirely her fault, but maybe its we just aren't meant for each other though we like to think we are.