Mr. Lonely ;(

For the past 6 months I have been questioning my mental health. I've started to realize patterns in my life which reflect what one might experience when living with bi-polar disorder. I have not been diagnosed or gone to see a professional yet. I am 18 years old (male), so I am in the most common age range for developing bi polar.
This is my post. My post is for all those struggling with loneliness, but mainly for those struggling with a mental heal condition.
I feel so lonely, I find myself working my way into a deep dark spiral of hurtful feelings of loneliness. I feel so rejected in society. As if everybody is fake and I'm the only genuine personal in the world. I find the only time I'm happy is when I'm dreaming. Dreaming in my perfect world where only I exist, and nobody else exists to destroy that. I so desperately find myself wishing I could Induce myself into a coma. I don't want to die, but I genuinely hate living. I don't like modern socIety. I hate the monetary system. I hate all governments. I hate the way humans instinctually kill or be killed. Survival of the fittest.
Many people would liken me to a typical aesthetically unattractive "nice guy", but I'm not. I lift 5 days a week (to help releive stress). I am fit and toned and some might say I look like a "ken doll". But my personality reflects the opposite.
I play video games just to pretend I am someone else but me. I don't go out to bars or clubs. Bars and clubs make me even more lonely and unwanted. When I'm not dreaming, I am probably most happy when I'm laying in bed watching apocalyptic tv shows or movies.
If anybody else feels like this I just want you to know you are not alone. Maybe you will find some comfort knowing that...
TheLonelyYellowBrickRoad TheLonelyYellowBrickRoad
18-21
1 Response May 8, 2012

Hi, there! :) The way your story sounds, I would say you should not jump to conclusions yet as to the bipolar disorder, When you're not a doctor (I'm not, either!), diagnosing might be really confusing and I believe only a specialist could really tell you what's wrong. <br />
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I will, however, tell you that you sound depressed, which is indeed a serious condition, but quite common and it's definitely not the end of the world :). (Please tell me if I sound too much of a bastard, I'm actually tring to help).<br />
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I know that feeling when you believe everyone is fake. When you feel lonely and stuff, I guess you actually tend to isolate yourself more when you should really try to make friends who would take the edge off. I literally feel that in my classroom, there are only 2 people who actually give a s**t about me; others just pretend or not even that. But I believe it's also because, in fear of being rejected, I rejected them, too, at some point. <br />
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Modern society, the monetary system, the government... these might be bad, but with friends you generally tend not to consume yourself because of them, because... well, you shouldn't ^_^. <br />
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As for the "being fit" fact, one of my accountances (I can't call him a friend, because he always says he gets the feeling I hate him) is actually a very fit boy, he looks very nice and many younger girls obsess over him... However, he feels lonely, too (and because of that he somewhat isolated himself, although not like me), because he loves a girl who doesn't (and will probably never) love him back. <br />
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I... don't know if any of this makes sense to you (I didn't write according to a plan or something), but I just thought I should share my thoughts. If it makes you feel better, then it's "mission accomplished" :)). If not... well ^_^'<br />
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Oh, and I also like to dream a lot... But it is generally bad, especially if you are lonely, because you can't achieve anything by just dreaming it. They say you have to go there and get it...

Thank you for your thoughts. It didn't make me feel any better, but I do like to read them. I thought to myself as well that I shouldn't try self diagnose or jump to conclusIons, which I haven't. Because I feel so up and down I decided to start recording my feelings each day (have been doing it for 2 months now) without looking back on it until I have gathered sufficient data, to not let my previous feelings influence my current feelings (if you get what I mean)? And when I finally decide to go see a doctor I will show him my diary, so that he does not simply assume I'm just another depressed individual and prescribe me antidepressants. Also, I have a hard time expressing my feelings, so I thought it might help.
Thanks for listening though

You're welcome. I'm glad you're keeping a diary, it helps when you want to be taken seriously :). And I hope you'll be fine. :P