This Is My Story On How I'm A Failure At Having A Social Life, Hopefully Someone Can Help...

So lately I've been feeling emotionless, not quite like a Vulcan. I still have emotions, but they feel forced or not genuine. I was perfectly fine last year until I started my first year at college. I've had ups and down with friends, girls, and parents. So this is my entire story as to  how I got here..... 

So it's summer break and I just graduated high school, life is good and I'm happy. I finally got invited to go do stuff with friends for the first time since elementary school. It was great until they moved away for college. So college starts and it takes time for me to make friends with classmates. I find a little group who seems to already know each other and we become somewhat alright friend for the remainder of the semester. One of them encouraged me to date this girl that I quite fancied. She was quite shy around guys but very outgoing with girls. So I spend a few weeks trying to find a way to talk to her (the hardest thing in my life) I was pouring sweat just thinking about it. I've dated girls before in high school but after a 3 year relationship I totally lost it.) I got an application to become a member of student government and to get in I required signatures, so I started there and introduced my self to her and got her signature and found out her name that way. The next week I managed to wait after class and talk to her "Hey _____, did you get the last lecture slide? I missed it" She smiled and we sat down and shared notes I was thinking I had it in the bag. So she invites me to sit by her in our next class together (We have two classes back to back together). 

After spending a semester of I guess what some people would say "talking" I considered asking her to hang out, so I decided to build up enough courage to ask her to hang.... this was insanely hard, considering I can ask my other female friends to hang and not think anything about it. Well I waited until after our last class when we usually walk together and I say "Hey, would you like to go ice skating this weekend?" She kinda smiles and blushes and says "Oh, sorry I have a boyfriend already". I was a bit confused because... she lead me on being flirty and texting me all the time. She also posted a ton of stuff on Facebook complaining about how she wished she had someone nice. Well, when I got done with classes I was laying in bed and I got a text that read "Sorry, I don't really have a boyfriend. You caught me off guard. I'd like to just be friends though". At this point I'm like "eh whatever, a friend would be nice". She still texts me up until winter break, I considered her a good friend at this point, even thought it would be nice to give her a christmas card before break. So I did and she kinda made fun of my hand writing... which is horrible (Last two years of high school and first year of college, I have not used a single pencil except for tests). So I got busy during the first week and I didn't have much time to text her, so I got on facebook to message her. She ignored it and removed me from facebook? I was a bit torn at it. Then I looked back and saw that the 7 of the 10 people that I added and actually talked to on a daily basis removed me? I'm not worried about facebook but I'm kinda not sure what I did wrong. It wasn't a one sided friendship. I usually got texts from them in the morning since I woke up usually later than them.  

So I spend my entire Christmas break doing nothing but sitting in my bedroom at home, I lost all my friends I just made until I realize I still have friends that go to the same school that I graduated with. So I asked her if she wants to hang we do. It was great, I felt like a teenager for once because I never really got the chance to hang out with anyone in high school.  Christmas rolls around and I'm getting depressed, I didn't really want anything because I pretty much have everything I want. I just wanted someone to be happy with. Not a girlfriend or anything, but a genuine friend. It was becoming painful to sit in my room constantly trying to keep my self from losing my mind from being so bored. I tried to hang out with a few people that I already had know prior to college and none of them even cared to respond to my text. Is it possible that everyone is seriously too busy to do anything? 

Classes start back up and I put on a fake smile. I try and keep my mind clear and a fresh start. I manage to meet a ton of new people again. I feel great and even better I met up with people that I sorta knew before. A girl who was in the grade under me and went to the school across the river from mine was at my campus hanging with her friends. She kinda looked at me and waved and I smiled. I never knew her name as we only met because of marching band competitions and she was best friends with the girl I dated before. While she was still currently in high school I was curious as to why she was on my campus, it's pretty far away from home. Apparently she was applying there and she was hanging with friends since she had a week off school. I didn't see her again for quite some time until I stopped in the local subway on my way home and I saw her and we talked for some time there as well. She gives me her number and so far she's become my closest friend from all of the people I have met. We text every day and things are great. I  have no dating interest as I've spent the last month confused at heck as to what went wrong with the last girl before Christmas break. I think the sadist part of this was my birthday, I didn't really want anything except people to be happy... just like Christmas. Not a single person said happy birthday to me, I try my best to talk to people and text them and be friendly but no one cares for me. I call friends for their birthday, I think it's too pathetic to just write "happy birthday" on facebook, and yet I didn't even get that. I was planning to hang  with a really good friend of mine until she called the day of and said "Sorry, we can't hang. I'm kinda talking to someone and I don't want him to think something else" What kind of lame excuse is that? When I had a girlfriend, I was allowed to hang out with girls and go do the same stuff I do with my guy friends. 

My exam for my social dance class (Ball room dancing) was coming up, all it consisted was to go to a very elaborate dance with people from all over (it was a non school dance with hundreds of people). I had a friend who was going to be my girl for the dance, I even planned to teach her the basics since it wasn't graded on how well, it was graded on if you came and danced. She told me "Oh, sorry I'd rather spend my Friday with some other guy" after she told me "of course I'll be your girl for that dance." What did I do wrong? So I go on a wild goose chase to find a partner. I literally asked 15 girls if they would go with me (player sounding I know, but it was a week before the event so I pretty much asked anyone I knew). A few ignored me, one laughed at me, and the rest complained they couldn't dance. Until my friend who I met who was still in high school offered to go with me. She loved that kind of stuff so we went and had a great time. I don't see what the deal is with the other people though? Am I seriously hated by so many people? I'm a nice guy and I don't cause any trouble at all, I'm usually quiet. 

Around the last few months of my first year was the greatest. I had tons of friend again and I was happy. My phone was going crazy and I felt good again. I'm going out for lunch every day with groups of friends and just going for drives in the nice warm sun. We started planning our summers to go do fun stuff. It was great until summer actually came around. So far one week of summer has passed and no one has text me, or called, or even replied to anything I've sent to them. The girl who is still in high school is getting ready to graduate and shes busy working so shes too busy to do anything until her school is out. All of my other "friends" have ignored me and don't care. Why does this happen to me? I'm always nice to people and I care too much about people. I've been hurt too many times and I'm emotionally numb now. I feel nothing emotionally at all, I can't smile and I'm always irritated. What am I doing wrong? I don't want to spend my whole summer laying in bed or browsing the internet. I wanna have a social life and go out and do things. 

Next year may look better. I'm going to meet entirely new groups of people. I will only be on my campus for a semester as I will be moving to England for a semester to get my study abroad credit... I'll be staying with my English friend and going with her to class. She's most likely the closest person to me even though we've met once and that was over Christmas break. We've been friends for years though. Will I actually find hope in England? I can't sit here and think why I would have to leave America just find friends. It really sucks, but I guess in the end I had some good things happen. I did learn a lot of things, and I did get to personally meet and have one on one conversation with a famous political figure. I was awarded for many accomplishments during my first  year and I got a leadership award of some sort. But I still sit here kinda sad that I know that this is going to be another break of just sitting here on the computer doing nothing.

So I don't think I can go on any further with this rant. I'm tired and sick with really bad allergies. 
PZhu PZhu
1 Response May 8, 2012

It doesn't necessary have to be your fault. <br />
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First, your first college crush. The way it sounds to me, she has social issues of some sort. Perhaps she prefers to live in her dream world rather than try to be happy. Sounds like we've got a massochist here. Maybe she's afraid of comitmment. She doesn't seem to have had a lot of boyfriends, so this might be scary. Or maybe she's just a selfish person, who wants some sort of prince on a white horse, I don't know. I mean, she made fun of your handwriting? If I trully care about a person, I don't do that. Even though they seem to have written with their left foot. It could be any of the choices stated before; although, I would go for the last one :)), but I shouldn't judge.<br />
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Anyway, about those 7 friends who just decided to leave you on Facebooc. Really? I mean, how mature is that? They probably didn't like you in the first place, they just wanted to... I don't know... have another friend in their list. I noticed that in modern society, there are a lot of people who tend to be superficial when it comes to friendship. I actually read an article on yaho which said people are having less and less close friends; most of the times, their closest friend is from the family. So it's not only your world, it's global. People should really try to be more social for the sake of it, because being nice to others can be real fun and, if those people are not nuts like the ones you've met, actually rewarding. <br />
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The people you've known prior to college... They might not be necessary all evil and stuff, because they did not want to hang with you. For example, I don't hang out with people from the secondary school anymore, if they're studying at another highschool or they're even in a different classroom. I don't know, it must be those superficial relationships I was talking about; some people are just transitory in our lives. <br />
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You know, I had the same problem at some point. I texted people on their birthdays, even though they usually didn't remember mine. Now I also have a Facebooc and this year (my birthday was just a few days ago), I've gotten quite a lot of "Happy birthday"s, some of them from people I've texted before. But not from all people I had on Facebooc. I have like... 40-50 friends on there? Perhaps I got a message from half of them. So it's not 100%, far from it. What you should do is try to add as many people as you know. Facebooc doesn't have to get so serious, you can always set privacy settings to certain lists. For example, you add people to a list which can only see some of your stuff. If they're worthy, they can go up a level. A friend request doesn't necessary mean you have to put your soul on a dish for everyone. Let them deserve it. Just a thought. <br />
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Okay. The dance party. I would've accepted your invitation; I mean, what the hell? You needed help. Others, however, might have thought that it was some sort of a date (perhaps they're not used to hanging out as friends?). Some might have thought they were not your first choice, because your friendship to them was not that strong and might have been offended by that. My advice: next time, have a back-up plan. Even though it seems harder this time, try to hang out with a lot of people. Choose wisely, but still choose. They can't be all bad apples. Throw the bad apples away, no remorse. But keep the good ones ^_^.<br />
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The fact that you actually have a positive attitude towards your past might help you. Nurture these friendships you still have and don't take their rejection so seriously. Even the summer part. I may be friends with some people, but when summer starts, I'd rather lay out there like a reptile than meet anyone. Which is not a good thing, I know :D. <br />
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All in all... I don't know what to say anymore :)). You write long stories even for my taste :P. Take care :)<br />
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Oh, and those names were not misspelled. I just couldn't post my message otherwise.