Emptiness

I've tried so very hard to brush off the fact that I have no true friends and that men use me, I've tried to ignore the fact that living is more painful than those who aren't lonely can ever imagine. Smooth words from people make me fall for the spell of what ifs and maybes. What if this guy really does get together with me or maybe we can all be friends and hang out like I see everyone else do. Yet each person I meet the curse appears, I call it the reapers curse. I meet someone and we hit it off and then after awhile they disappear never to be heard from again, from e-mails to txts it's like the reaper has touched them and they have vaporized into nothingness while I am left alone empty and soulless.

Usually after I meet someone something happens that prevents them from seeing me again, car issues, family issues, general problems that were just fine until after we had met. That is the first state of the curse and soon afterward the communication stops altogether and that's the last stage. I can try to communicate all I want but I never get a response. All those that said they liked me, loved me, cared for me totally vanish.

This biting loneliness makes me want to die, humans aren't generally meant to be alone it affects their bodies and minds so much that they develop illnesses from it. So extreme but I suppose that's why their were two people on the earth first so that no one was lonely. I've lost all that I was or what I thought I was, I cry in my sleep I cry all day, I wish that I wouldn't wake up and unfortunately killing ones self isn't as easy as I thought without being saved indefinably or without someone knowing. So now I'm left to sit in my bed, with no apatite, making friends out of stuffed animals just so I could have something to hold on to. At night I call out for someone to hold me just hold me because I'm in so much pain to save me from this horrible reality and just be with me till the end. I no longer have emotions on my face and my soul is absolutely barren, I've lost hope in everything but I know that one day I'll die and the pain I have suffered for years will finally be put to rest and I can sleep for a long time and be in a dream where I don't have to worry about people or relationships or being comforted I can just sleep. Till then I'll waste away here, slowly, with my lack of an apatite or drive to get up and get water or do anything for that matter I'm just waiting till I can finally be free from this painful loveless loneliness.
LilletBlan LilletBlan
18-21, F
2 Responses May 9, 2012

I Totally understand this feeling because i have been feeling it for the past couple of years and i know what thats like.... Also the fact that friends leave and that is mainly because they fail to understand what you are going through.. If people say that they care, love and want the best for you then why don't they stick around? It truly means that they are just saying that because they are not showing it at all... Yes humans were not meant to be alone in life if they are then they will get diseases and die at a very rapid rate from the mental unlikelyhood of never truly feeling cheerful or happy... diseases arises and they die out due to lonliness... One day indeed it will truly end thats for sure... Just hold on tight to whatever you have be it your stuffed animals as friends if that is all you got u must hold on to it for comfort i do hug my large stuffed teddy bear for comfort when i feel alone... it helps me.. hold on dear one day you will fine true friends and true love that will make all the emptyness disappear for good... Never lose hope keep some hope and faith that it will soon get better for you it is the most and best you can do right now... stay strong...

I feel this way quite often. For me it's not that my friends disappear but in a painful way, I can't talk to them or make them understand me. Sometimes I feel like it's worse than having no friends at all....having people constantly around you that do not understand you at all.

i know what thats like...