Different Kind Of Lonely

I see so many posts of how lonely y'all are. How you crave for intimacy, a friend, or just someone that truly understands you. I can relate to this to an extent. But for me, I'm one of those that is constantly surrounded by loving family, good friends, and those that look up to me as a person. I guess I should just be grateful for what I have.....but I was never any good at that.

I've felt so utterly lonely my whole life. Internally much more so than externally. Like I said, I've never had a lack of people to talk to. But I have also never found someone that I can really talk to. Usually when I even try to explain myself to someone, I end up more confused and frustrated than before. I fear that it has left me a bit jaded. There have been a few times in life that I found a friend (or at times more than a friend) that I connect with. I think I was always too quick to open up and share myself with them, because it always turned out to be a dissappointment. Maybe I want too much out of people? Maybe I am expecting too much? Regardless, I feel how I feel. And it sucks.

I went many years, mostly through college, where I numbed this loneliness and pain. The more I got involved in, the easier it was to silence my lonely longings. I made myself a leader...someone that others could look up to. But really all I was doing was making myself the person that I wished I could be, but wasn't. In a strange way, this only drove the loneliness deeper inside of me to the point that I was numb to everything. I think I'm still in this place. What's worse is that I'm engaged. I love him dearly and truly enjoy being with him, but I struggle with the fact that he still doesn't really know who I am. I'm not comfortable marrying him for this reason, and yet, I can't imagine not being with him.
Bfota Bfota
22-25, F
1 Response May 9, 2012

Has this been a part of yourself that you have kept hidden? And when you did open up was it too much for the average Joe to handle? I have went through life feeling very alone. I deal with bad things well and normal things not at all. Everyone I know...my mother, my freinds, my neighbors, even my cat...they all get up out of bed and manage to accomplish something with each day. But sometimes I can just sleep or lay here. Sometimes i don't do anything for days. It's like everyone around me is moving forward but I am in limbo. It feels like I am in limbo but the reality is, I'm not. Things are moving forward, I have done well in college. I need to make decisions about my future. I need to decide if I want to stay in this slow, lethargic little town. There are ups and downs to any situation...of course...but I do think a change would do me some good (maybe). I guess the problem is that life keeps on going even when we need a break from the marathon. What you have written is impressive and I can tell you are a smart girl. I guess I know that I am too, and I also know that I am more attractive then most. I'm thin, I have two ****** jobs, I have a nice apartment that I won't clean. I have a beautiful cat. I have a wonderful family (though they are pretty much living in jobless poverty...but it could be worse). I have a lot going for me but I just feel soooooo alone. Since I live in a rural area in the south east I also have to constantly face recommendations to get closer to God. To pray to him and know that he is there. My sister says that if I have faith and pray that I will feel Gods presence. But I pray and I wait for something to change, and I keep experiencing this endless rollercoaster of a few ups now and then, but mostly downs. I am only happy when I am contributing to someone else's happiness...or when I can go home and know that I have accomplished something worthwhile that day. But right now I am just trapped in the loneliness. I am tired of this.

I can really relate to everything that you said. It has definitely been a part of me that I keep hidden. In fact, I go to great measures to mask these feelings because I don't want people to see how I am really feeling in life. The few times I have found someone I thought I could open up to, and did, I always regreted it. They seem to give me a kind of stare like they think that I am being overly melodramatic. It's frustrating. So, for the most part, I have given up.

" I deal with bad things well and normal things not at all."-- I am the exact same way. And in the same way…I have so much going for me right now too and yet I still have that aching loneliness inside. Sometimes I can distract myself from it but othertimes I feel like I am going to explode if everything doesn't change soon. It's lead me to do some drastic things in the past. Some of which I regret, others of which I do not.

"My sister says that if I have faith and pray that I will feel Gods presence. " No offense to your sister, but I've been there, done that. I was very religious from the time that I was a small child all the way through college. I couldn't have possibly given myself more to god. In the end, it was all utter bullshit. When she says that if you pray hard enough you will feel him, what is really meant is that if you tell yourself enough that "oh, god is telling me to do this" or "I really feel him", then you will feel what you are telling yourself to feel. But to me, in the end, it was a self-made (for lack of better term) feeling. It's one of many, many fairy tales believed throughout time and throughout the world. I could ramble about this forever, but I won't.

I am tired of it all as well.