I've always felt so alone, and I'll tell you why. I want this to stay anonymous so I probably will change the names of a few people.
I am a 17 year old girl and I go to college, I hang around with a group of people, but I still can't help but feel like an outsider, the one always left off lists, the one forgotton, the stupid one.
When I was little, my earliest memory is of my parents fighting. Throwing mugs and plates at eachother in the kitchen, whilst my brother Ryan and I sat in the living room listening to it all. I was about 3, and my brother 6. They broke up shortly afterwards and my dad moved abroad for some years, whilst my mum continued to get abusive boyfriends. We had to move house and schools for her first new boyfriend, and I had to leave my friends behind. The first one was a paedophile, one an alcoholic, the rest were just nasty ignorent men who didn't have the first clue how to treat a woman. My mum was always more focused on them, and money problems. We had a lot when I was younger, we got threatened with bailifts quite a few times. When my Dad came home, he'd come and see us once a fortnight, sometimes once a month, but he has anger issues. Hes had my brother up against the wall before, angry over something so tiny. My parents didn't really pay much attention to me, they were normally too busy with money issues, their love lives, or my brother. He got bullied a lot at school, so they were always concerned over him. I got bullied just as much as he did, but I was too stupid and scared to ever tell them. To be fair, they never even asked.
I'd never have many friends in school, I'd always hang around with one or two girls like myself, but we'd only hang around eachother because we had no one else. We had nothing in common. I'd get bullied because I'm ugly mainly. Because I was different, because I was quiet, I even got picked on because I was using a pencil from Woolworths. Pathetic, right? However pathetic it was, it got to me.
I remember one particular boy in high school who made my life a misery. Lets call him Callum. He'd tell me I was the ugliest girl hes ever seen in his life. threaten to get the harder girls to beat me up, because he wouldn't hit a girl. But I think I'd prefer his physical abuse to his verbal.
The girls were even worse. They'd make fun of what I wore on non uniform day, even though it'd normally be a plain t-shirt and jeans. Maybe the brand was all wrong, I do not know. They'd make fun of me for being stupid, because I'd always be behind in nearly every lesson. But how was I supposed to concentrate with them calling me names throughout the entire lesson? The teachers did nothing but send them out now and then, and that would just infuriate them more.
This went on and on until I thought things couldn't get worse, but they did. In the midst of my GCSE years, I was forced to move schools. In the middle of important exams, I had to pack up and leave to an alien place where I knew no one.
I had to move because my mum met this new boyfriend, Sam, and she wanted to live with him.
I hated it. I hated him, and I especially hated his daughter, Anna. She would say nasty things behind my mums back, throw a petty little tantrum because I had to sleep in the spare room she used when she slept over her Dads. You're probably guessing she's around 7 years old, right? Wrong. She's 17, a few months older than I am. So I broke down and moved in with my dad, closer to any few friends I had. I did have a few friends where my dad lived, real ones.
It was heartbreaking having to move away from my mum, however much I resented her for her selfish actions. I had grown to hate moving, and no wonder. Living with my Dad improved me as a person slightly to begin with, until things started to change again.
I had my first boyfriend; something I thought would never happen. I was happy, my confidence had boosted up, I was going to bed smiling for once, until he was another traitor in the big game called my life.
He lied to me about smoking for around six months, he pressured me into things, which luckily I did not do, he didn't like me seeing my friends, he was very controlling. My temper couldn't take that. When we broke up, he'd send me nasty texts telling me I belonged six feet under and that no one would care if I wasn't around, that I was selfish and controlling... he brought any self confidence crashing down at full speed.
I've started college now, and that's bringing me down even further. The only subject I'm good at is Art. I took Art, English Language, Maths and Law. I feel so stupid because I'm only good at one of my four subjects, my dad gets angry at me when I get upset.

So that's that, that's my life so far. All of those has left me lonely, desperate, very paranoid and an angry person. It's a bit of a relief to write all this out, but that's why I feel so alone. I can't let myself get close to people, even if they try. I just have no trust left in me.
MiraWillows MiraWillows
18-21, F
3 Responses May 9, 2012

Thank you everyone, I know I can work towards something good, it's just really hard with so little support from the people in my life right now

Find your passion, find yourself, and find the people who will love you and support you just as you are!! This is your life to live and now that you're in college you can finally escape all that negative energy. It will get better!!

life's a b*tch,don't give up,just learn from these experiences,it didn't kill you,you came through,do what's right for you and if people don't like it...:)