I Messed Up

Ok just need to let this out and some who read it are not going to think much of me.
I could go on about my ****** childhood and bullying for hours, but the truth is I'm from a loving family. I was bullied, spent a lot of my childhood lonely and on the outside edge of social circles. Never on the inside, even in new groups I met when I moved to college I was quickly sidelined. This could very well have been my own fault.
Anyway I dabbled in drugs and became more and more unhappy until about 23. I got, what i thought, was my ideal job. Met someone I truly loved and things were looking up.
I messed up. I was never ok. I started doing drugs, I cheated and lied. My job was one where drug taking is a complete contradiction. My poor girlfriend didn't know anything while for 2/3 years I cheated on her, took loads of drugs, partied like a wild thing. Constant lies to everyone including myself. I always lied though, mostly to make myself seem cooler or some bullshit like that.
It all came tumbling down 18 months ago. I got caught. I avoided criminal charges but I was suspended from work, went to rehab and broke up with my girlfriend. She tried to stick with me but the damage I had done was too much.
I lost my career, my girlfriend, I was cut off from work friends immediately and with no old friends to fall back I had only family. I understand that some people don't have this and I should feel lucky but I don't.
I am still clean, I have moved and I got a ****** job. I have enrolled in college in September.
That last line doesn't look that bad. I am truely lonely. I hate myself. I hate what iv done. I'm pretending to be functional to those who care. I have no friends. I have considered other options and to be honest one option is becoming more and more attractive.
I know some may think I don't have it that bad. My head has been under stress forever and severe stress for a lot of those years. I'm selfish, I lie, I cheat and I hate myself for it all. I listen to too much nick cave for my own good. Iv gone to a psychiatrist and been deemed not depressed. I think there is an implication I may have a personality disorder. This makes me more angry and hateful.
If you made it through the nonsense I just wrote then thank you. I can actually write English but on this occasion I needed to get it written quick.
Nearlyoff Nearlyoff
May 16, 2012