Warning You Now, It's A Long Story...

I Do Not Believe In Love. It is so strange, yet, so accurate. Love does not exist, it is merely a fantasy that we, as human beings seek out. Perhaps I should tell you a bit of my story to help you comprehend how i have gotten to discover this rotten epiphany. I was born 18 years ago to, what must have been, a loving couple in California. My father was constantly away on "Navy Business" and my mother worked long hours at her fathers restraunt to pay the bills. Already burdened with a six year old with a different father i still don't know if i was planned or accidental. nonetheless, I was born and began to live my life.
I remember that from an early age i was a rather lonesome child, even when, 16 months later my little sister was born. I often sought comfort from the numerous cats and dogs we had over the years as well as some spirits which i believed haunted my hallway outside my bedroom door. School began, yet i was still alone. My mother followed me there as a "Yard Duty" so i never could quite escape her. My mother has always been rather paranoid, only letting me play with the children she deemed as "good kids" who always seemed to be spoiled little brats who liked barbies and jump rope.
I usually just sat by myself making jewelry out of flowers i picked from the soccer field. And on rainy days I loved standing under the roof drains that had broken and collecting worms off the playground asphalt before they got stepped on. And so my elementary school years went on. I never have really loved anyone, but I have never hated them either. I just never really cared. My parents would get into yelling matches, but all married couples do. Actually, the scariest thing is when the arguing stops.
Very recently I have noticed that my family is falling apart. My older half sister has moved out (Thank goodness because she is batshit insane). My mother lives in a delusional mine shaft, one minute the carts are working fine and the next shes collapsing in on herself. My father has completely given up, resigned to a life of trying to please someone who just cant get enough. and my little sister is too stupid to see what goes on past her next text message.
Then there's me. Trying to escape it all while simultaneously finishing off high school and getting a career started all at the same time. This is why love doesn't exist. and neither does God, equality, or Santa Clause. I sit and watch the world go by and I wish that I could think like the rest of the hordes and delude myself into thinking there is more to life than this. but there isn't. We are born, we breed, and we die. Our descendants are the only legacy we will leave behind.
Individuality doesn't matter. I know because i tried it. I tried to be different but i just got ground down. Now I dress like everybody else, I talk like everybody else, I like what they like, I eat what they eat, I learn what they tell me is important. Because everybody is trying to be different it makes us all the same.

Well, that's some of my story. I just needed someone to know. Even if this in anonymous. I'm probably crazy and I'm sure someone out there will feel the need to tell me so but, I just don't understand how people love. maybe that's why i don't think it exists. I have never loved anyone, nobody has ever loved me and, for the first time in my life, I'm terrified of how alone i am.
NatalieNight NatalieNight
18-21, F
2 Responses May 20, 2012

first of all, thank you. it was an interesting read! I believe love does exist, but not in the stereotypical way it is presented in the media. regardless, what I would like to say is our conclusions stay true only until some part of the equation changes. let life present new information to you, stay open minded and in time you will discover your opinion is no longer the same it used to be.

Just sharing my thoughts after reading what you have shared...First it saddens me that you are so young and feel so alone, but I think many your age share the same feelings, my son (17 now) does this last year with school and used to be friends that seem to be turning into shallow mean people to him now, and my daughter was similar to you (now 20yrs old)..she loved animals, natural things, and had a huge heart that was hurt easily, but was also wise beyond her years in SEEING people like I think you do, which can be looked at like a gift as well as a hardship...truth be told I was the same way when I was young and my son shares this as well...so maybe it's in the genes, or a specific soul group or something? I just know we went through difficulties, close moments, and now we connect unlike many other families cause we keep it real and don't try to "pretend or act like what people feel family should do" (media, tv and the like haven't helped this). The main thing that helps us to really connect is in truths and caring or love - I believe it exists and is a powerful gift that has to be cared for - which is often not the case in todays society where everyone thinks about themselves first unfortunately. I feel I am an unusual woman in todays world (good or bad don't know and is just a perceptional viewpoint), but a bit about my kind of aloneness/lonely is different...I have been a single mom since my kids were young for the last 14 years, the last 8 no dating, trying, or even wanting to be i a relationship other than my own family, friends, but especially my kids :) I beat cervical cancer, and honestly don't have as close/connective relationships with my parents, brothers n sister inlaws as I would like but they are still supportive and positive too (none live close and one even overseas so that doesn't help)...There are moments I wish for a great love and all that, but I actually found that at about your age ONCE, he passed away when he was 21 and I have never connected like that again...I have found different love/connection, but not the same or as strong for a man...so for me I feel like I was lucky for the gift once, hope for it again in my lifetime, but am doing GOOD without it too and realize that there are other kinds of connection that matter in this world too...still walking my lifes journey and hope to find more kinds along the way....so maybe you are meant to find it later, or sooner than you think, and maybe you have a higher purpose to use your love for, that is your lifes journey to find out what/who you have love for so that the door opens and they/it can love you too. I don't know if that helps you in opening yourself to that kind of understanding, but give yourself time and be open to what you DO connect to/with and you might have many kinds of loves to experience yet to come :)

I wish I had more beautiful people in my life like you. Thank you for commenting