Death Is Preferable To Feeling Like I'm The Only Person-i Think I Was A Person,on This Planet

 Life- I thought was not so bad with dad, mum & my4 siblings.DAD died 1981-that was bad but still we were a family.I HAD to give up the work I loved as I had a breakdown and was not permitted to return to my post as I'D been formally detained.However, I moved back home and mum and me were the best friends who had almost everything in common and enjoyed our 4 times a year holidays.My siblings were still a big part of my life until 1 came to visit as usual--as mum and me believed.He approached ME,gestured and shouted that "you are a nut case, a fruit cake your SO twisted!"He explained that due to MY ALLEGATION he had to tell his boss of his sister who "isn't right mentally"  He then walked out of OUR lives for approx 2yrs.I DID NOT HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT WAS ABOUT .It was not an easy time for my mum as he couldnt come to see her despite my trying to arrange time alone with them.Turned out many months later my youngest sister revealed I was SUPPOSED TO TELL ? THAT BROTHER & ME WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP.-LORD-I'M NOT GUILTY of EVEN THINKING such a despicable thought .MUM believed me & we tried to determine the despot responsible without concrete success but we did narrow this down to 1 person--we obviously couldn't do anything about her as she has known and at times been part of my family's life.All I can say about it is I tried twice after a long period of time ,to discuss this with brother . He showed an outsretched palm and said"i'm satisfied"I will never know what he meant by that but he does visit me at my place which I am SO PLEASED about,But i'm always aware of that horrible time to the point I make sure I always place distance between us so he can at least try to feel relaxed in my company. About 3 years later our mum passed away from a HOSPITAL AQUIRED INFECTION.since then NOTHING NOTHING & sisters have very little to do with me and only very rarely visit.There is NO support of ANK kind from them and 1 sister is through from capetown, she's been here 2 weeks and I did try to contact her to no avail.I am SO DESPERATE for company/friendship I honestly HAVE tried to make my own way for 7 years but it gets worse to the point I think mostly of how I can successfully commit suicide and imagine the PEACE i look forward to.I'M counting the long lonely miserable days and PLEASE DON'T ANYONE THINK I'M FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.I DON'T ALLOW THAT.  lily   Glasgow1311
lily1429 lily1429
1 Response May 20, 2012

Hi lily<br />
<br />
no one deserves to be lonely... if you want to chat..just inbox me and we can chat about anything you want