Fear Of Love

I love the God and I talk to her.
I was a good kid with no bad habits. Never really wanted to hurt anybody knowingly. I was rather sensitive and gentle. I was happy with my friends and family.
Then I fell in love.
This girl i knew just blew me away. She just became everything for me. I thought about her each and every moment. She became my inspiration, the newest one and most powerful one to live. I was just happy.

Then someday she says she loves somebody else. I was just could not react. I could not blame her. But I loved her very much to forget her either. I steeled myself. Not everyone is lucky enough to get rewarded in love. I loved her, Truly I did. It consumed more than two years of my life,
Still I was happy.
I loved her. She loved somebody else, But I was the one who got hurt. But I believed in love and God and let go.

She got married and I started adapting to my unfilled heart. It was hard and my God i have cried many a nights, all alone, with no one to share my tears with. But I lived as I had loved and to me love was something spiritual and pure.

I got a job. Shifted from my home town. Started living all by myself. Alone but  happy. Parent wanted to get me married, but I could not as I thought I could not love anyone as unconditionally as I loved her. I knew I had loved once and that was enough.

I was alone and I was happy.

Now this new girl joins my office. Some 9 years younger to me. From totally different background and faith.

And I am in love again.

I just don't believe it. not again. The pain I have gone through earlier comes back to haunt me. My peace is gone now as my sleep. I fear love as I have been cheated once. I don't want to get hurt again.

I dont want to love again.

I have not talked to her about my feelings as I fear I will be hurt again.

I dont want to love again.

I just want to know If I am in love again then what is the worth of the tears I have shed for the first girl I ever loved?
If love is godly then why I loved again?
Why cant I be left alone by this thing "love"?
And why should I even try when I know that I will fall in love over and over again?

I am loosing my trust in love and in God too.
I see those stories where love is being insulted by the couples. Those mms clips and photographs where trust is breached.
I just dont want to love if love is like this.
Hence I fear I have fallen into that thing called love.

neelakanthaa neelakanthaa
1 Response May 20, 2012

i've lost my trust in god before but it's always returned as for can you love more than once the answer is yes and you do deserve love don't ever lose that that's the core of the heart and humanity i'm sure that you will find your perfect girl everyone has somebody that will love them it sometimes takes just one relationship or sometimes more to find that special someone but i know you will good luck dear you have a good heart

Thanks for your kind words. But I don't think the new girl has got any feelings for me. We fight just at anything. But I wish her to win naturally. The world is so twisted my friend not round at all. As for me the restless nights are back, so are the heart burn. I feel the pain tearing me apart. I am going into some cocoon I guess. And I am just waiting for my heart to be broken another time. Believe me it is no fun. That is why I want to be alone and that is why I hate God now.