I have just turned 20, I am still so young, hardly even an adult - I'm always told.

I don't want to grow up, I only have my parents and my dog who I trust and love, I just see us all ageing and the impermanence of everything.

I am supposed to have everything, I am completely normal looking and healthy, I am at university, I travelled for months last year, I move to Japan this summer. Why do I feel like this?

I am terrified of growing up as this means the only people that I can turn to aren't responsible for me any more and have to 'let me go' to some extent. Yet I am so defensive I don't let any one else near me, I don't want them, they make me feel worse. 

I can't handle my exams at the moment, I am trying, I have prayed (and I'm not even religious), if I fail them I wouldn't want to be alive.

I feel fat if I can't feel my bones jutting out and refuse to eat. The only time I eat is with my family on weekends, then I feel happy. The next morning I wake up with this same feeling and beat myself up for eating.

I always imagined when I was younger that by this point in life I would be so happy. 

I feel like such a selfish cow, I travelled in Africa for 5 months last year yet sit here whinging about how sad I feel.

nobodyminds nobodyminds
18-21, F
1 Response May 21, 2012

Dear Ran, <br />
I sympathize. I hate it when people pull out the whole "you have everything you could ever want why are you unhappy your life is great OMG so ungrateful!" shtick. Because having everything is useless when you feel as though you are nothing. Let's face it: having enough money for college, or touring Africa for 5 months, or being pretty, does not a happy life make, and saying that it does is ignorant and foolish. At the end of the day, our issues arise from dissatisfaction with who we ARE, not with what we have. And that lack of understanding hurts the most when it comes from within yourself. Trust me, I know. <br />
<br />
Let me remind you of this, though. There are some people in the world who are willing to do things, not because they have to, but because they want to. I don't know your parents, but I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that just because they aren't "responsible" for you, doesn't mean that you will be left to fend for yourself. According to my mother, most parents love and help their children forever, even after the obligation to provide for them is gone. And if my mother can say that after having dealt with 21 years of me, then it's probably true.<br />
<br />
If you're not ready to reach out to others yet... well, I'm not going to tell you if you should or shouldn't look beyond your immediate family for interaction, but I will recommend that you seek some help about the rather unhealthy eating habits you described. That can turn into something nasty real fast, and you should nip it in the bud before it adds unneeded problems to your life. PLEASE do not be embarrassed or reticent about such seeking help from anyone you can: EVERYONE, including you, deserves to be able to eat food with a clear conscience. Please do not let anything stop you from accessing that right. <br />
<br />
Sorry about the novel I wrote here, I'm a bit long-winded. But I hope that making a post here will help you come to terms with the pain in your life. I'm rooting for you, dear. <br />
Take care, <br />