Lonely, Lost And Lethargic

I am a 33 year old female. Today I come here because I realize I have a lot on my mind with no one to share it with. I like to talk about life sometimes but I realize the people I know are not on that level. They have families, work and all that seems to get in the way of having real conversations.

To start off I am in a new relationship with a male whom I have been with for 2 1/2 years now. Things are good but my expectations of him makes me think otherwise. I used to be in a relationship for 12 years with a female. Being with her was easy because I didnt have to be emotional. I didnt have to have feelings and thoughts. Everything there was content until the low self esteem and other mental issues got in her way. I learned that you never really know someone. But finally the end came with fights, jail and heartache. In my world, since I live according to me, when I realized I had to pick me up I also realized that it was time to move on.

Then I met this dude I am with and with him it is different. I am able to be emotional, weak and attentive and for some reason I loved it. It felt so good that I did just that.However, Every now and then I find myself asking alot of questions. I know men are different but why cant he do and say certain things. See I am a woman who likes to make people happy. When I got with him I was depressed, sad and hurting inside but he didnt fault me for that. I feel like he took care of me and nursed me back to health, which is why my love for him grew stronger in such a short time. We bonded from the beginning and I loved that. But lately there are questions I find myself asking. For instance, why cant he just say he love me, why on occasions he doesnt feel the need to buy me something, why cant he surprise me once in a while since I seem to surprise him at least once a month, why cant he hold me at night, why cant he be a little attentive. I am not asking for this all the time just once in a while. Some people say thats men but I dont agree because there are men who do these things. Even after telling him I realized it does nothing. Why everytime I complain he saids things like oh you didnt give me a chance or this is how you met me. To me how long am I gonna have to wait. Sometimes I feel like he loves the situation and not me. I feel like he keeps me around because it all benefits him.

When I think about all that then I think about my ex. I didnt have all these thoughts and feelings with her. I was content with what we had. Here with him I think about having kids, a house, a business, marriage and having these feelings causes me to have all these thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I am with a man who is not as motivated as I am and who is not willing to sacrifice the way I do. With my ex I guess it was safe because she was always willing and able, up until that point or at least she did a good job of making me think so with her words and always wanting to please me.

Lets not talk about sex cause he is so closed minded, he only sees his satisfaction which also leads to frustrations. Sometimes I tell myself that this is how he is and I shouldnt want to change him. In the beginning I was ok with it so how can I not be ok with it now. I always thought once he fell in love he would be willing to do different things but he has not.

Then the world we live in which I cannot stand. I stopped watching tv about 2 1/2 years ago. I changed in a lot of ways since my ex. I realize I think more than I ever had in my life. I find myself hating to be around or talking to small minded people. I find myself wanting to be away from people in general. I find myself wanting to live like the amish. I hate that we have to live accordingly, that we only work to pay bills, that basic necessities cost an arm and a leg, that pretty soon we gonna be paying for oxygen, that technology gets better for a cost and not to save lives or make people better, that education is a priveledge. I hate leaving my apartment because it requires you to spend what you dont have, deal with people you dont want to, or end up in a situation that you wouldnt if you just would have stayed home. I find myself thinking of questions that in my 30 years I would have never thought of cause I was just maintaining and now Iam living because I now feel. Before I didnt feel, so there was no questions which is how I maintained.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. But do you let go of something thats potentially good because of the unknown or do you see where it takes you.

mythoughts78 mythoughts78
1 Response May 22, 2012

So you are not happy with your boyfriend because he does not live up to you exspectations. The problem you exspected him to change to fit your needs and while that can be a very good thing thier is no garuntee that he he will ever. He helped you in your time of need and now you need him to take teh next step to make a life time commiment on your terms. If you have not already discussed with him you need to. Sadly he might not be looking for a life time commitment. It sounds like he enjoys your realtionship on the terms it is on now. If it not satifying to you you have to tell him your needs and see if ready to meet them or least work toward them in the future. i wish you best.