I Shouldn't Be Like This .. I'm Only 17 .. Please Read

I'm only 17 .. I shouldn't be feeling like this .. He broke me. I am broken. Not only that, i've had a tough life to start off with .. dealing with eating disorders, my house burning down in grade 4, my parents splitting up when i was 3, and both getting remarried .. dealing with depression and bad anxiety. I'm scared i won't be able to achieve my goals in life of becoming a nurse .. and worse of all .. i miss the guy who was perfect. I was a physco girlfriend. I don't blame him.

Some individuals who claim never to have felt romantic love suffer from hypopituitarism, a rare disease that doesn’t allow a person to feel the rapture of love. Some days I wish I was one of those people. Love is so complicated, and painful sometimes. I guess I can say I've had love before, but it was lost all too soon. I've had a hard time getting over it. Hell, I'm still trying.

 Did you know that getting dumped leads to 'frustration attraction', which leads to the person who got dumped to love the other person even more? Well I'm pretty sure that's the way most people feel after they get dumped. The days and nights of tears, friends bringing over tubs of ice-cream and junk food trying to get you to eat. I've been there.

 I was fifteen when we started dating. It was the PERFECT relationship you could say. At least at first. The kissing, cuddling, laughing. Everyone said we were perfect together and we'd be together forever. As the months passed by, I still loved him with every little piece of me, but  we fought more and more. The fights got worse. We would scream in each others face, say terrible things. I'm pretty sure I hit him more then once. I guess you could say it ended for the better. But that day, July 2nd, 2011, my world seemed to have come crashing down. 

 I guess it's true what they say, you don't know what you have, 'till it's gone.

 It was a Saturday morning. My family was getting packed for Picton Beach, just forty-five minutes west of Kingston, Ontario. It felt like a normal Summer morning to me. Little did I know, this day would be the start to my fight to feel happy again. My 'boyfriend', was in Stratford, Ontario, Visiting his family's friends for the Canada's day celebrations. He was barely texting me that weekend, but I figured he's with his friends, chill out. When he finally got home that saturday night, I called him to ask if we were hanging out, and he said no and to stop calling him. I was definatley a crazy *** girlfriend. So there I was getting mad because he totally just bailed on me. His house is only a five minute walk from mine, and so  there I am strutting my self all the way to his house to see whats up. I was even more upset because me and my mom had got in a fight earlier in the day, so I really wanted to see my boyfriend. Little did I know, he wasn't going to be my boyfriend for long. I caught his mom just in time as she was going inside the house. I was in tears and she got him for me.

 I told him how I got in a fight with my mom, and I really needed him right now. He called me physco and crazy and a bunch of rude names that I'm not going to name on here for your sake. He was definatley right though on this much. I insisted that we break up. worst mistake I ever made. He agreed. He got freedom and I got the biggest heartache ever. To this day I still feel it. The same amount of pain as the day it happened. Almost feels like yesterday. He walked me home, as I tried to talk him out of it. NOTHING WORKED. I knew about three quarters of the way home we were done for good.  I didn't move when I finally figured it out. My body felt numb, like I was outside in the winter too long. He wouldn't leave me alone, when I asked to be alone, so he called his dad who picked us up and he drove me home. 

 The next morning I woke up alone. It felt like someone had ripped out a piece of me, that I was so used to before and now I just felt empty. I don't remember much the next couple days after that. It was all kind of a blur. I know I begged for him to come back to me but nothing worked. I hung out with friends, and they brought me all kinds of ice-cream and wrote inspirational words all over my bedroom but nothing worked. I tore everything down that made me think of him. He made me a poster that said 'eh oh marsy go' for a basketball game that I didn't even play in, which was hanging on my bedroom wall. It was the first to go. Then all the stuffed animals and picture were next. Then all 23 letters he wrote to me. They were the hardest of all. He wrote how we would be together forever. Guys will do anything to get in your pants .. pathetic. Last of all came the necklace he bought me for our one year anniversary. I thought about getting rid of it, but I just could not. I tried wearing it a few months later, but I just kept having bad days whenever I wore it so I just stopped until about two months ago. Since then I have not taken it off. Its kind of like a reminder that he was once mine, and what we had was real, so there is hope for another love like that in the future.

 Thirteen days after we broke up, I was kind of getting used to being alone. That's the day I got a call saying he was coming at one to drop off the phone I let him borrow. I begged for him to keep it, in fear of me seeing him and totally breaking down again. He just said no, his father is making him drop it off and he's going to get a new one that night. The worst part about this whole experience, was that i was home alone. So it's 1:10pm and he finally shows up. I break down just like I thought, and he holds me for about ten or fifteen minutes and tell me I'll be okay. To this day, I still don't know if i'll believe him. He was wearing a blue and yellow beer hat, which I had never seen before until that day. He put it on my head, kissed my cheek and walked out the door. That was the last time I had a real conversation with him. 

 He was my bestfriend, my boyfriend and my everything for the year and a half that we dated. I loved that boy so much, I didn't even think it was possible. Everthing still runs through my head. ' What if I would have treated him better?' ' Would she still be with him?' 'Would I be with him still?'.  Our first kiss, our last kiss and everything that happened inbetween them.

 He's now dating a girl who thinks I'm out to get her. She hears 'rumors' that I talk bad about her behind her back, but I swear on my grandfather's grave I don't. I'm a good person now, and i'm actually embaressed that I ever acted the way I did when I was dating Jesse. All the yelling and screaming, that's just not me anymore. I've swtiched school's, because I just can't handle seeing the boy i'm inlove with everyday, while he's loving someone new. I got a new dog named Nash, trying to replace this boy. It worked in someway but not as much as I hoped.
LonelyLittleGirl LonelyLittleGirl
May 23, 2012