Emotionally Alone...

I don't post much on EP, and it's because I feel like I can't talk to anyone. ****, isn't that just pathetic? I can't even open up to anonymous people on the internet.

I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else. I've always been that person that others vent to. The one that listens to everyone's drama and whining, day after day. A casual "How've you been?" from me is met with one of those serious ranting sessions that lasts until the person talking at me has emotionally exhausted themselves. They never bother to do any more than casually inquire into my own life.
At this point, I feel like I'm not allowed to have emotions of my own anymore. I feel like I'm trapped into being perpetually "okay" for the benefit of all these people who are so emotionally insecure. I can't feel depressed, I can't break down, because everybody else needs to lay their problems on me. They can't handle it if I start showing signs of cracking. So I just to shove everything that I feel in a corner, and press it down, so that I can comfort other people while they cry and whine and spew their emotional garbage all over me.
And not all of this is self-imposed... in the past when I've tried opening up to people, it didn't go well. My own mother didn't take it seriously when I broke down and told her that I felt like everyone hated me. She essentially told me to control my "excess emotion." When I try to vent to my friends, they are either so surprised that to learn that I have emotions that they have nothing to say, or some sort of angst competition opens up and they have to best my problems with their own bullshit problems. My girlfriend can't emotionally handle the thought that I might be unhappy about anything, so whenever I've tried to get something off my chest, she has meltdown and I end up comforting her.
Honestly, I gave up talking about my problems ages ago. It either causes too much drama and I end up having to comfort others, or I express how I feel to other people only to have them try to out-angst me. So now I'm the person who never lets on when something bothers them, who always seems perfectly content and sympathetic. It's become second nature to assure my friends that I'm fine even when I desperately need someone to be there for me.

It's isolating. I don't even remember the last time I genuinely opened up to another person. At this point, I am actually unable to talk about my own problems or feelings. It's all gotten so built up that I can barely force myself to face my own emotions. If I had one person I could tell everything to, one person who genuinely gave a **** about me and would take the time to listen, I know I could never bring myself to open up.
Even as I write this, I just want to brush myself off as being over dramatic or attention-seeking, delete it all and go about my day as if I didn't nearly spill my heart out on some random website. The world doesn't need another angst filled, self-indulged 18-21 year old.
KA3K KA3K
22-25, M
10 Responses May 25, 2012

I understand what you say. I also find it hard to open with people.. even from people from here sometimes. Feel overwhelmed... <br />
But for good or for bad, there are also peple that would understand you.. because they feel what you feel.. that is this place about

I'm sorry you haven't been able to find someone who you feel safe opening up to. My mom is my best friend and I feel so lucky that I can tell her anything. I am sure that if you keep trying, eventually someone will be able to accept your feelings, comfort and support you like you do for others.

I added you, but as I'm scatterbrained and here and there on the internet, you must first tell me you want my attention, and I will do my best to give it.

You shouldn't push all the emotions in a corner, because you will crack. I've had that and you will feel like you don't even have a clue on what you will do next, and then you feel nobody is there just more stories to listen to.

Yeah, I've definitely hit the point of cracking more than a few times. I remember being exhausted after hanging out with some of my friends, and just going home to sit on the floor of my room in the dark for hours at a time. I can't really do that now, and although the demand other people put on me has gone down, I still really have no way to vent.

I know some people expect me to change, people have great influence now adays. And I can't find a way to vent either,I'd like to know that also.

I wouldn't mind if you talked to me. I'm always the one who ends up comforting others and listening to their problems, but i don't really mind. I listen to them and comfort them and really try to help. I love to make people feel better, because i know i just want someone to vent to. Of course, i'm like you. Even if i found someone to vent to, i wouldn't know how to. I mean, i wouldn't know where to start, how much to include, or how long i should keep bitching... its all to frustrating for me to think about, so i just sit back and concentrate on helping others. I'm here for anyone that needs me, and i don't mind adding anyone that wants to talk to me.

That's kind of what I do, too. I'd rather log into EP and try to coach other people through their problems, and try to make them see the little good in their lives. It seems a bit hypocritical though, because really I'm escaping from a bunch of IRL whining to anonymous online whining. I guess at this point, it's comforting to know that other people can express the emotions that I don't know how to.

Hi<br />
You can be proud of yourself. You took a brave step in voicing your feelings here. You are not alone--you give off something that makes people admire your strength and think that you are a sounding board for them. This is ok if it is ok with you but if it is not. Then there is a few things you can do to stop the ranting. If you are on the phone with such a person--the moment they start ranting--excuse yourself by saying oh I have another call on the line that I must take--do this everytime until they get the message. If it is a person in your face--the moment they start ranting--look disinterested but slightly concerned, then make no comment. <br />
<br />
Most people who you tell your problems to are simply not emotionally equipped to help you and those who are--charge money for the advice.<br />
<br />
Try going to the library and look in the self help section for books on improving your self esteem (I did), for help with your specific problem and for knowing how to handle people who rub you the wrong way. You can look for help on improving your relationship with people in general. You can probably find most of this information on the internet but it is so convulted with bad advice that you would most likely get frustrated. <br />
If nothing else works, then learn to say "no" nicely.<br />
Hope everything improves for you..You deserve to be happy

One suggestion . If you can't talk or even post here try a journal wright it down for yourself . It may sound like a waste of time but it may help . Good luck.

I actually used to keep a journal... I wrote a crazy amount, like for HOURS every day. But over the past 3 or so years I've fallen out of the habit completely. Maybe I should start one again... it was definitely therapeutic.

i know what you mean and i am sorry to hear that... everyone always want to vent their emotions at you giving you no chance to relay any.... hmm i know the feeling of coming to a point in which you can't talk about your problems to another human being.. Ive been there... I hope that someday that you will be able to do so...

There are certain personalities, and you sound like one who have a natural ability to be sypathetic to others and listen. Because so many people out there are desperate to be heard people tend to gravitiate and open up to these people. The challenge is how rare this people are and so when THEY need help it seems like there is no one there. I wish I had an easy answer but i don't think it exists. I think you've done great at expressing this on here and hopefully this site can be one avenue for you to speak. Our culture has a sickness where we cannot connect. We have few options for positive community and therefore are really bad at interacting. I have found a few friends in college i still connect with to this day and can speak with in a way different from my wife. I would encourage you to continue to be try to engage and find people who are thoughtful and hopefully you can find those friends!

What you said about our culture is really true. A lot of people seem to have problems with connecting with others... I've heard that before, but never really thought it would apply to me. I guess it's something that none of us can escape.

Well we're a fast food culture right? we want everything thats quick and easy and gives us instant satisfaction. Community is difficult, and people can be annoying, it doesn't always offer that instant gratification but it leaves us healthier overall. For me i absolutly require being around people so I make sure i have at least a couple of events a week I engage in, one is a dinner we make for street people, and the other is coffee night for street people. the other bonus is that this kinda of work tends to attract caring personality types, so it might be another option for you to make some meaningful connections.

I know your feelings. I am the one people turn to such as friends and family. Plus my degree will be to help people. I love it dont get me wrong but its hard to find someone to talk to when you are the one who only listens. I hope that you find that person to help you open up or your going to explode. If you ever want to talk with me I dont mind. Even if its just to say hi. I really hope you find trust in someone, everyone needs to be listened to including you. Dont hold it in, its only going to break you and make you distant with others.