Lonely, Lost, And Utterly Without Hope.

I just graduated after 5 years of suffering and misery... with nothing but a meaningless and relatively useless piece of paper. I have made 0 long term friends that I can really talk to about how I feel in those 5 years, 0 friends I can spend any time with now that I've moved back home. Just about 50 "Facebook" friends, and don't even get me started on Facebook.

A year earlier I finally broke up with my long term boyfriend and only companion I've really had since high school. He often will not talk to me, and I know Its selfish of me to press my problems on him, because he is still very much in love with me and hurt that things did not come together for us.

So last summer I started dating again using an online dating website, I met a guy I seemed to have a lot in common with... and stuck to him. I am now very much regretting that decision. He says he loves me and I think he does, in his own way, but over the months it has become very clear to me that he simply cannot or will not give me the attention and love that I need right now in my life and in this relationship. Compared to my last boyfriend, (who was, admittedly, overly needy) I feel absolutely unwanted and ignored in my current relationship.

I've known for a long time that things are not going to work with this new guy, I've tried talking to him about it but nothings changed. He has an awful way of trying to invalidate my feelings on this when I try to confront him. I've tried to convince myself it was this or that, that I was expecting too much from him, that I was unreasonably comparing him to my last boyfriend, that I was just being too needy and insecure. But that's the way I am, needy and insecure, and I realize that there are guys out there who will give me the love and attention I need despite this.

Still... I cannot bring myself to break up with him. When I am physically with him he's much more attentive and affectionate, and I, having no other friends or excuses to go out, try to enjoy myself on our one or two dates a week. He's asked me to move in with him in September. I want to believe this will fix things, but it wont, for a myriad of reasons. But I have no one else right now, I have no other future... my graduation has left with me with nothing but debt and regret, and I feel utterly hopeless and miserable.
factofmyth factofmyth
22-25, F
May 28, 2012