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There Is Just One Person In This Marriage- Me!

Hi, I wonder if it worse being married and being alone or being single and alone. Probably a pointless question.  I married to a man who is absorbed with himself. We have gone to marriage therapy but never stick it out because he isn't particularly interested. He will say what he thinks the therapist wants to hear but the nano second we leave the therapists office, he never mentions the session or discussion again. Completely of no interest to him whatsoever.  We have pretty much a sexless marriage which has been really hurtful to me over the years. The therapist offered to put us in touch with a sexual therapist and my husband agreed to the therapist. However, the minute we left the counselors' office the sex therapist was never mentioned again.  The therapist told my husband he should take me for dinner or a date once a week. That he should show some interest in me. My husband agreed and even offered me a wonderful weekend holiday. I was thrilled and really looking forward to it. It never materialized and was never mentioned again.  You may wonder why I don't raise the subject with him? I have tried endlessly and then it finally hit me. He is truly and really not interested in me.  We live together and share the bills but my personal life, and how I feel about things or what I do in my life, is of very little interest to him.  This is what loneliness feels like- knowing that the things that matter to you are meaningless for your partner.   Every two years my company pays for my family of four to return to our home country (we live abroad).  I realized that my husband hasn't even asked me if I bought tickets, or what I wanted to do, or anything.  So every two years I organize the family vacation by myself, pay for it, and he comes along for the ride. I would love to have someone to organize the family trip with. I don't mind paying for it, but I would love to look through brochures, and choose restaurants, and hotels together.  My husband is a writer and lives for seeing his name in print.  I am the main  breadwinner.  I go to work every day, come him and make dinner, and then go to my room to read.  For a long time I would bring up the question of lack of sex and usually he would say that I went to bed too early the previous night, or went to bed too late, or make some other excuse. I stopped asking and stopped pretending. but gosh, is it lonely!

lori6581 lori6581 46-50, F 3 Responses Jun 18, 2012

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I recognize me in your spouse and my ex-wife in you. We have had the similar situation in the marriage. I was blamed for not noticing her and sexless relationship. In early stages of our marriage we both have had short sexual relationship but we forgave each other. After that we have had a solid relationship with heavy ups and downs of course but it changed after her burnout. Overall this was just one instance in our relationship and I do not think that this caused our departure after 28 years of living together. The issues were much deeper than that. Actually the issues are in yourself. We have departed in mutual understanding that this is the opportunity to look into ourselves and learn. I believe we find answers in that way. In relationship you forget yourself and your attention is completely on the other. On the other hand it would be better to focus into yourself in the relationship and especially when you feel bad. You should also say loudly how you feel but do not point your spouse. Do not make him feel guilty. Say it like you would mention the weather. No blaming. No statement. No feeling sorry for your self. In this way your spouse could start to learn too.

You ask is it better to be married and alone or single and alone. I have been through both. I am not advocating divorce but simply presenting what was my own truth to me. That first year of being single and alone is absolutely the worst. Regardless of if you are the one leaving the relation or someone left you, there is a huge void in your life. But if you can survive that, you begin to become whole. You might find someone else to fill the void but it just wont work out because you are not whole. You have to fill that void with yourself again, then you can move on to someone else. If you can survive that, being single and alone is a lot less painful than to be married and alone.

Hi, i just wanna say, my marraiage was like that, I had to leave yes it was lonely but it was lonelier than being there. we went to counselling and the same thing, everything was forgotten when we stopped going. so i left, he wanted me back but i didn't go back right away, we got back into counselling, that was a year ago, we are doing good now, he is changing and so am I. He realized he didn't want to lose me and how hard and lonely it was when we were separated, including financially. we've been together 22 years and things had to change, i had to learn not to always take care of others before myself and to stick up for myself. he had to learn how to deal with his anger issue's and self centeredness. we have kids together also, so he also realized he had to be a better father. one way or another he has to decide if he will change and if he really wants it to work. I know its scarry leaving but it was the best thing i ever did for us. we deserve to be happy, life is too short. he is now very supportive, as i just lost my son(his step son) in march, he was 28yrs old, i am consummed with grief, if he had not changed ,this would be way harder on me, he is not hurting like me, he loved my son and helped me raise him but its different, his real dad was not a big part of his life, so he's not hurting like me either. I can count on my husband now, thats the way it is suppose to be. don't give up on yourself, take care