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Gay, Single (again), 50, and Lonely

 I seem to attract young men with 'daddy' issues. I went from one LTR (15 years) directly into another (4 years), and now I'm single again. I don't want another relationship just now; I really think I need to take some time to get to know myself. But I hate the weekends because I don't have any friends to 'pal around' with. I tend to be a homebody and it's hard to develop the type of friendship I long for. One day, I'll be ready to move on and I'm confident that love will find me when I least expect it. In the meantime, I just need to take one day at a time and find ways to deal with my loneliness. 

My ex and I talk on the phone about once a week. I look forward to it, but I also dread it. He sounds so very happy with his new life. He's very outgoing and has made many friends. I'm happy for him -- I really am -- but I'm also very sad because I feel so excluded. He will be moving back to my city in a few months. I'm nervous because I don't know whether he will ask to live here or not. I miss him so much, but I know it is probably better for him to live someplace else. The question is, will I be able to turn him down if he asks... 

I will take life one day at a time (I will repeat this as necessary...)

Joe

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Update 10/11/11

I wrote this story about three years ago. I'm pleased to report that my life has improved. 

Last November, I met up with ex # 2 for Thanksgiving. After spending a few days with him, I realized that we had both changed and I decided to move on for good. I decided to lose weight, changed my eating habits, and dropped 40 pounds! When did vegetables start tasting good and why did no one tell me! Importantly, I started dating guys my own age. The first three men I met were not right for me, but number four was the man I was looking for. We met online, corresponded for about a week, and then met face to face. We are about the same age and I have to say it's nice to be with someone who grew up with the same songs/TV/movies as I did. We've been together for 8 months now and life is good. 

I now realize that people change and sometimes relationships don't survive. It hurts, but we are survivors. While healing, I read a book that changed my life: Flourish by Martin Seligman. It helped me to appreciate the person I am and to be happy. I mention it in hopes it will help you as well.

To all of you who are hurting, please hang in there. Life can be difficult some times, but the right person could be just around the corner. I feared that I had lost the capacity to love or be loved. Happily, I was wrong. Keep looking; someone is looking for you as well. 

Joe

Joseph56 Joseph56 51-55, M 4 Responses Jun 8, 2008

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I'm now 53. And only because we are here talking anonymously, is it easier for me to openly say I'm distraught. Distraught that the gay world, in my view, is greatly deficient on loving men. Men who understand or...haha... even obsess over being in-love. Men who want to be in-love and can't live without the the little things in-love men experience on a daily basis<br />
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Men.... focus too much on their sexual needs, their career goals, MONEY and are rarely accessible enough (from the heart) to be able to handle a bonding relationship. So what is a guy like me to do? My policy is to remain patient even if I never strike gold. It's safer in the long run<br />
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The clubs and the music used to excite me when I first came out in my teens. Oh it was terrific for about a year, and then an overwhelming sense of cold set in. Sure, there were lots of fine looking men, but in reality I realized it was just (manufactured) dressing to facilitate the "primary ob<x>jective": "Get sex! Get as much sex as you can! Stay looking young looking...so you can get sex." <br />
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Nobody cared/cares (generally speaking) about love. The few of us who do care are usually invisible too far apart to even make friends.<br />
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I loved my ex-lover. He didn't love me. Any hearted guy, regardless of how goodlooking, would have ended up like me. Who was wrong? Me because the writing was on the wall but I ran into it with both eyes open. Nothing more needs to be said. <br />
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So here we are. Where to now?<br />
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I wish all of you well.

your story touched me. although in my 6 year LTR i was the one with the daddy issues i guess you'd say. X was 24 years older than me. he was and still is my first love, only great love, etc. it was always an issue for me that he had been around the block and the world and possibly i was just another boy to him. while for me he had all this strength and wisdom and a rogue-ish quality that made me feel like i had to earn his love with loyalty and adoration. He was loyal to me as well, and came to let me penetrate the hardened veneer i know was created by all the disappointments he'd endured. he always claimed to be the lonely one. We are both loner homebodies and when financial circumstances forced him to move 8 hours away we still didnt really let each other go. he's been gone over a year and we still check in almost everyday despite him detesting the idea of a long distance relationship. often i feel like he only still talks to me because he feels bad for leaving me behind, and jaded by all the experiences he shared with about what it is to be gay and perpetually single (like he was before i met him, and is now). <br />
I'm giving you my long story, Joseph, just because it seems so hard to talk to anyone about this relationship that i seem to be pinned under. Im almost thirty, looking good, BUT unlike your ex who you think is doing just fine out there, I have NO close friends, NO social life, have NO sex and totally think life is empty without my older X. Some people have advised me to actually just start having sex with anyone i can but that just makes me feel really cheap. <br />
anyway, if your ex still wants to talk to you just give him an open ear. If he is anything like me, he probably wants to be closer to you than he not.

Keep in touch, but now he is with somebody else don't feel obligated to put him up. But maybe you still miss him & you feel that he will still put upon you because he knows that ....

Hi Joe, I found your story very familiar. I am 39 gay single after a 13 year LTR and Lonely as hell and all my old pals have drifted and moved away or got married etc. . I still talk to my X. He still lives in the same city as me about 3 mile from me actually. We keep our lifes seperate. He has a new partner etc. I think that when your x returns to your city by all means stay in touch BUT don't let him move back in. It will only lead to more hurt for you I think. I hope you find someone special very soon. Cheers