Nothing Left For Me Here...I am always alone and even though I have a couple people around me on a day to day basis I still feel alone all the time. I have never been good at making friend's and what friends I have made don't really treat me as though I am one. I am always envious of other people who have people to hang out with, and that are happy, and i wonder why i can't be like them.
I have always been a shy person and even when I am around people I know I can never really open up or even talk. I am always the person that just kind of sits off to the side not saying anything yet observing everything around me. I try all the time to branch out, talk to and try to meet new people, but every time I try I never end up actually following threw with it and talking to them. I don't know it is like there is a constant fear of rejection or like I am going to say something wrong.
I don't understand what is wrong with me it just seems like I am defective. I don't even like myself in any way shape or form, I hate everything about myself. I constantly list off the things I don't like about people but when i actually sit and think about it I am all the things I don't like. How can I expect people to like me when I don't like myself, I mean really? I try so hard to make friends and please others yet I can't even please myself.
Now don't get me wrong, I like everyone els have a couple of people who care about me, and who do not take advantage of me or use me for anything. I would even go as far as to say there are a few who would do anything to help me out. Yet even while being around them i feel alone and alienated, like I don't belong. I don't know where i belong, and it kills me, I never have felt like i truly belong anywhere, and so I constantly search for exceptance anywhere I can get it. I have changed myself over and over to the point that i don't even know who i am. I have been the stoner, the jock, the emo kid, the goth, the gangsta, the church goer, the partyer, and ofcorse the quiet one. Yet nomatter what i did i was never happy or felt as though i belonged.
I just don't know what to do I want to feel like I belong or atleast be able to open up or even just have someone to talk to. I dont know maybe i am just being stupid so i will stop for now and maybe post something another day.
I just dont feel there is anything for me here anymore...