A Second Beginning

And so it starts again. That dreaded feeling of being alone. College.... My second semester. Without even starting any classes yet, I have this overwhelming sensation to cry. I just want to cry and never stop.

My whole head hurts. Not being able to sleep and staying awake until the wee hours of the morning has really taken its toll on me. I feel like I've already given up without even trying.

All I want is to be held. I want my mother to hold me and tell me that it's alright, that everything will be fine. I want to be guided. I want somebody to hold my hand and show me the right path. Unfortunately that's not what life is about. Life makes you choose many things on your own. I don't want to. I wish I could be more open about my feelings and tell my mother that I need a hug or that I need to be held.....

Since now college ends later than what it was last term, I'm going to be reaching home a lot later! I don't want. I'd rather spend as much time at home and very little at college. People...... I can't mix with them...
wecry04 wecry04
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 16, 2012

I understand how you feel...always feeling like I said the wrong thing...walking away just KNOWING the person I just spoke to thinks I am wierd. I don't leave voicemails because I can imagine the cringe on the other person's face as they hear my voice and think,"Oh, him again."<br />
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I don't want to have to tell someone what I need. That ruins it. Can't someone see? Besides, if I tell them, they can say, "No" and hurt me more.<br />
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The worst part for me is that I used to be GREAT socially. I couldn't stand to be alone and I would run to social situations. I spoke in public eloquently, taught classes, acted and sang on stage and was a professional waiter. I was always ON.<br />
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Then I hit a wall. Someone significant in my life died (again) and things changed for me. I started turning more inward.<br />
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Now, my wife "runs interference" for me. I have become eccentric and people don't know how to take me. I can see the confusion march across their faces as I speak. My heart pounds in my chest just from THINKING about social interaction now. I dread being away from HOME for any extended period. HOME=SAFE. HOME=NOT SCARED.<br />
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For what it's worth, two things save me. First and foremost is GOD. HE made me. HE knows I am crazy and HE still loves me. The second thing that saves me daily is my wife. She knows I am crazy and she loves me, too. I constantly have to remind myself of both of those things because they are so easy to forget. It's so easy to feel alone I have to remind myself consciously that I am not.<br />
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There is a third thing: my dog. I spend a lot of time with him and he loves me, too, although he doesn't know I am crazy. It's ok, though, because I am pretty sure he would love me even if he knew. Spending time with him makes me happy. Waching his wide-open enthusiasm when I throw his "Red Thing," a rubber bouncy toy. Sometimes , just at the right time, he will curl up on my lap and just rest his head, looking at me. He doesn't know he weighs 75 lbs and I don't tell him. He seems t like it when I hold him as he sleeps, maintaining him in his favorite position. I do it. Somehow it is cathartic to hold him.<br />
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I feel badly for you. I know it is not easy at all. Don't give up.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Can you let your Mom know how you really feel? I am sure, College is a whole new world to you. Sounds like you are missing home...:( <br />
Try to make new friends, maybe you can volunteer, or get a part time so that you keep yourself entertained/busy? College should be a positive experience. <br />
I wish you the best kiddo!!

As much as I want to tell her, I just can't. Some part of me just doesn't want her to know what I'm going through. Probabaly ego... :s and I do try to make friends, but people don't respond to me well. I feel like I'm the one always starting the conversation and am met with one word answers. Anyways, thank you for your comment and I will continue trying to make friends :) and thanks for the wish too! :)

I insist you should be able to tell your mom, wspecially if you and her have a close relationship? I have 3 small boys, if one day they felt sad or had an issue I would want them to let me know so that I can guide them, hug them and assure them that no matter what I'm here for them. If your mom is a loving/affectionate mom like me I assure you she will comfort you! Try letting her know how you really feel, to us moms the Ego thing does not matter! To us moms, when our children open up to us "that does matter"! Also in case it is helpful how about talking to a school counselor just to vent out your feelings? As a mother, I am now worried about you. Yes, you'll get people who don't want to talk much etc..hey at the end I think part of the issue here is you are having issues with your self steem? Perhaps? If that is the case, I'll tell you what you then need to start to love and value yourself do that others do the same! (I'm always telling my boys 8&amp;5 yrs old, baby is 11 months) anyways I'm always telling them "you guys should not be followers if a kid does not want to be your friend or is mean to then go make new friends, you don't have to be their friend and we don't follow peolpe etc.."Now I'm mentioning this because sometimes you'll meet people who are rude, or just talk to you when they need something etc..Sometimes people will not respond or react/answer how you expect them to, "my suggestion move on"...also do you have a best friend from High school, you could also talk to? Please keep me posted! Also going a Gym contribute to helping in making feel better about yourself, it would also help for any depression 'just saying'.

Don't need to worry. I'll be fine :) And you're right..i do have a self esteem issue. I'm working on that. I'm taking my time telling myself that i don't need to pt myself down so much. I do have a friend from high school whom i talk regularly to, however for the past few days shes been busy with her boyfriend who just arrived from out stations. Lol if i wasn't so tired after college i would most definitely go to gym. and about my mom, i can try working on telling her. so yeah....

Ok...stay strong &amp; confident! Beauty does not only come from outside but also with in! Love yourself, value yourself and know that you are loved and cared for by your mom, family and close friends!
If you want add me as your friend, you can write to me anytime or you may also put your posts here. Take good care of yourself! I don't know you but do know you'll will make wise decisions!
Take care kiddo...

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