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Lonely And Self-loathing

I have been alone for as long as I can remember. Even when I was surrounded by other people, I felt cut off from them. I was hurt a lot by my family. One of their favorite things to say to me seemed to be "you should be ashamed of yourself for" whatever I was doing or saying at the time.

As I got older, I felt more and more ashamed of myself. My mom raised me by herself and made me feel ashamed for being a male. Her ex-husbands were abusive and she talked about what bad guys they were. I didn't want to be a bad guy, but eventually I learned that just being a guy automatically made me bad in my family. So, I learned to hate myself on the most basic level. I could never talk to women because as far as I was concerned they were all goddesses and I was a worthless man.

Eventually, I got to the point where it was impossible to trust anyone. I couldn't open myself up because I was afraid if people knew what was inside me they would hate me and I would be alone. Well, guess what? I am alone. I've spent my life hiding from everyone because I hate myself and no one seems to care. I hurt myself sometimes because I hate who I am and just want to die.

I have no friends and no one to talk to. I feel completely cut off like I"m living in a parallel world where I can see and hear everyone, but none of them see or hear me. I try to find a reason to keep going, but it's like the loneliness is inside of me now so deep that I can never remove it. I feel that horrible ache in my gut, that tightness in my chest, and just know that I am going to die alone.

Can anyone hear me? Does anyone care? What's wrong with me?
Transluminal2010 Transluminal2010 41-45, M 9 Responses Jul 17, 2012

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You need grounding i can sense your basically living on highly charged negative emotions, you really should talk to a trained therapist who will help you come to terms with your past life, present and future life.

Yeah, I'm in therapy. The guy is pretty good, but it seems to take forever to see any progress. I only see him like twice a month so not sure how long it will take to get any better.

Someday loneliness won't exist anymore. Someday.

My mother hated me for being born a female. It is in my stories. You can get through this, it is hard but it can be done.

Please, don't believe everything you think. Bad programming is only that. "Garbage in-garbage out". Reprogram?

I hear you.. Believe me I know.

You can recognice that your mother was wrong when she said bad thing to you, so the 1st step is done. You know that what she said isnt true so begin working on you from there.
Good luck!

Nothing is wrong with you! Generally people go day to day just minding their own business, pretending to lead the perfect life-this couldn't be further from the truth

Im so sorry you feel this way. You are not worthless!

i very much understand where you come from , no one should feel like that , i have this too it is as if i am living in a movie and iam waiting for it to end so that i can live MY life