Lonely And Self-loathingI have been alone for as long as I can remember. Even when I was surrounded by other people, I felt cut off from them. I was hurt a lot by my family. One of their favorite things to say to me seemed to be "you should be ashamed of yourself for" whatever I was doing or saying at the time.
As I got older, I felt more and more ashamed of myself. My mom raised me by herself and made me feel ashamed for being a male. Her ex-husbands were abusive and she talked about what bad guys they were. I didn't want to be a bad guy, but eventually I learned that just being a guy automatically made me bad in my family. So, I learned to hate myself on the most basic level. I could never talk to women because as far as I was concerned they were all goddesses and I was a worthless man.
Eventually, I got to the point where it was impossible to trust anyone. I couldn't open myself up because I was afraid if people knew what was inside me they would hate me and I would be alone. Well, guess what? I am alone. I've spent my life hiding from everyone because I hate myself and no one seems to care. I hurt myself sometimes because I hate who I am and just want to die.
I have no friends and no one to talk to. I feel completely cut off like I"m living in a parallel world where I can see and hear everyone, but none of them see or hear me. I try to find a reason to keep going, but it's like the loneliness is inside of me now so deep that I can never remove it. I feel that horrible ache in my gut, that tightness in my chest, and just know that I am going to die alone.
Can anyone hear me? Does anyone care? What's wrong with me?
lonelyman2010 41-45, M 8 Responses 6 Jul 17, 2012