Rejection~ How Lovely Your Pain~I sometimes want to give up. Not necessarily leap to suicide but instead pass onto a different world without it. A world where I am free to roam about its endless corners. Where my body's shell has shed and my spirit can dwell in serenity swamps. Because here, I'm infected with stereotypes that color my soul and allure negativity. I'm judged like junk, and rejected. Long but you wanted a story, didn't you darlings?
Ever since I was a child, I've always been a bit "strange." I recall a time when I was only 6 and preparing for school. I asked my darling brother what 2+2 was and he answered 4. That entire morning, I sat on our steps, wondering how that was possible. I was only 6, but my mind seemed to explore such marvelous regions. Though, that was almost 8 years ago.
Returning back to school life, I didn't know how to interact with other children. I never picked up on small hints. The world was a little confusing and I was an alien. I was only in kindergarten and children laughed at me. Though, hilariously, I thought they were laughing with me.
Years later, once I realized that people weren't so thrilled with my being, I closed off. I had an abusive home life that no one knew of. Transportation was hard during those years. Everything was pounding against me. I felt like a metamorphic rock, constantly changing. But then, I met a little boy in 4th grade. He was my opposite, in a sense. I was African American, long hair, and somewhat of a loner. He was a blonde, shaggy hair, and was social. It was a miracle that I met him.
I dunno why, but the best of friends are children. I had a younger friend at the time. We went to this after-school program named Upper Room. There, we finished homework, read books, played, ate ect. The blonde boy so happened to go there too, I just hadn't noticed. It was until, Bryce, my little friend, asked me if I knew him. He was in my classroom so I did.
We glanced over at his table, where he sat alone doing homework. I, impulsively, called him over to prove it even as Bryce yammered "No, no no, I didn't want you to call him over" But he was on his way anyway. He sat down at our table, he explained that he was in my class, and as soon as I popped a joke about an unmentionable thing, he hurled with laughter. And when he laughed, I laughed too.
But it wasn't so long before feelings arose. I never fancied him really but all the girls drooled over him like last night's steak. I saw him as my best friend instead, not an idol. People became envious, claiming lies against me and him. He ignored them, as did I. He was so lovely, such a sweet voice, eyes that mirrored clear oceans, and pink lips, lips I almost kissed but regretfully didn't. He was more calm then streams. He could make you laugh instantly. A rather reserved person, he ironically attracted so much attention. He was odd, like me, and loved everyone. He never judged. He was far from rude and the most respectful. He was assertive and didn't let people walk over him most of the time. He accepted me, my quirks, and flaws. He made me feel loved.
It was migrating towards the last days of school. I had to tell him how I felt. It was bothering me, haunting my dreams, infusing my emotions, I simply became so blasted frustrated with everything. Why couldn't the world just shut up for a quick moment so people could grow properly? Why couldn't people make like Houdini and vanish? I didn't want them to notice tears sliding down my cheeks. I didn't appreciate their questioning during outdoor lunch. I just needed to disappear for awhile.
But he followed me...
He panicked and rushed to my aid and softy demanded my weakness or whatever was disturbing me. I mean, I know we were young, and maybe childhood love is pointless to you, but it felt grand to swing on the swing set in silence. But it felt so much more heavenly to explain to him in 3 words why I was so upset.
"I like someone..." And my face tensed and relaxed all at once. He asked me who to which I told him to guess. But, oddly, he guessed everyone else, even my female companion jokingly.
During this little guessing game, we were heading back inside the classroom, the longest walk of my life. When we were walking up the wide staircase where we'd separate, he guessed himself, than another boy. I said yes, but he assumed the other boy in shock. But as steps decreased as they begin passing beneath our slow feet, I told him no. I stared downward and just confessed,
"I like you....."
But the "you" part ruptured wrong and sounded awkward. I uttered sorry as he swarmed down the hall with the other boys to the bathroom, and I followed the girls to ours. I washed my hands for awhile. Some eavesdropping girls, giggled and excitingly said that I, "Finally admitted it." Was I that obvious? ;)
He accepted me, and didn't change. He was so peaceful and loving. But his friends intervened. They tossed so many rumors that I lost him in the sea of 5th grade. But coincidentally, we always found each other alone. I caught him staring at me sometimes. His face would turn. He always tried speaking with me, I tried to speak with him. But the world got in the way, I was rejected again.
The only person to ever accept me without accusation was him. I've developed somewhat since then. I am in solitude now. I may enjoy it, but It's so excessive now that I've misplaced the talent to be around people comfortably sometimes. I don't know what I want. I want love, I still do. Just one person who doesn't treat me like a charity nor harshly, is all I want I guess. A friend..
Thank you for your time.~
JeuneCirque 18-21, F 2 Jul 23, 2012