My BurdenI've been lonely for almost all my life. I'm only 20 so most of you will claim that I haven't lived yet. My biggest dream is to be a husband and father. I've never had the chance to experience truly being loved.
The relationships I had in person with women always ended up in a horrible way. One ex of mine acted as if she was ashamed of me. This of course lowered my self esteem to nothing. Due to my huge lack of confidence, self esteem and self love...I decided to stay away from people.
I was always turned down as if some sort of plague. No-one gives me a chance due to not being the amazingly handsome jock type. I'm the not so fit or thin nerdy type but I'm a nice guy and have my morals and personality. It feels like society nowadays doesn't give anyone such as myself a chance.
So, due to all of the afore mentioned bits of information, I turned to online dating. It was something more of an accident but it made me a feel a little better about myself. I could be more confident and less shy over the internet after all. This didn't work out as well either. Even over the internet people tend to be cruel. I've been flat out left without a single word or anything. They just vanished as if I were such garbage that they didn't think I deserved a word from them. I ended up falling in love with a girl that seemed so amazing to me. She was kind, caring, fun, funny and she treated me like a person. After being such an outcast, this was rather nice and refreshing. I fought for her love for months until I finally won her heart and she asked me out on my birthday. I thought I was the luckiest guy ever and figured I had found the one. Boy was I wrong.
It was great at first, but she started becoming much different. She was less caring and just changed overall. We had been dating for seven months when I couldn't take how she had become. I was in a very rough time of my life where we were almost homeless in California and we were being threatened by animal control because we had to keep our dog in the vehicle. (She had food and water and we stayed with her in said vehicle all day in two hour intervals with the windows down and kept her shaded of course. We took her on walks and took her in shaded areas as well. We weren't neglecting her at all.) But, people around where we were staying didn't seem to care. So, I needed someone to just talk to. It was more difficult with her being in Colorado and I in California, but I didn't need super special treatment. I just needed someone to listen to me. She couldn't even do that. She ended up yelling and getting mad at me proclaiming that she wasn't my "savior" and couldn't do a damn thing for me. She didn't care about anything that was happening and even tried to make me feel bad for just wanting to talk. So, I broke it off a few days later. She decided to inform me that it was all a lie. She was with me out of pity and she couldn't love me because I wasn't like her ex and a friend of mine. The best part? I found out later that she had been cheating on me as well. Sure, it's online...But no matter where they are, it hurts like hell.
So, I have become very shielded and I have troubles with trusting others. After being hurt and cast out by so many people, it's been difficult to find anyone. I haven't experienced anything in my life to the point that I've never had my first kiss, I'm a virgin, I've never held someone's hand in public and I've never even cuddled with someone. That's my story of how I'm lonely and in my age group's eyes, a loser.