Can't Take It Anymore.

I am incredibly depressed. I'v been on this sight for about a year now and this is my first post. For anything. My best friend was probably the only person I could ever call at any point in the day and be completely welcome to conversation. He is what was keeping me stable during any hard time I was going through. He's also now dead. Last November he was killed in a car accident. For months I couldn't feel anything and now I'm finally starting to feel like he was the only person outside of my family that always wanted me around. He was also the only guy who could pull me out of depression at any given time. I'v been depressed even before he passed away. For reasons I won't explain here, we had a falling out before he died. It had been about a year sense I talked to him last, and even then I was still rather upset with him. Now he's gone and I feel like I'm being pushed away by the friends I use to feel close to. It's even gotten to the point where my roommate (also a close friend of mine) told me to **** off. More than once. I have become significantly more insecure over the past two years and I'm only getting more depressed as time goes by.
I also think my insecurity is driving people away from me. A few weeks ago I was helping a close friend of mine move in to her new apartment. She was having a rough day as it was and I just wanted to help in any way that I could. I was helping her carry a box that was filled with valuables. Of coarse, the box fell apart on the way up and a bunch of stuff spilled all over the floor. To say the least, she wasn't happy. So I helped carry as much as I could by hand, but by the time we reached her room, she snapped. I was then told me that when we were done that I was to leave, for if I didn't, she would probably kill me. Needless to say, this made me a little upset. Sense we hadn't moved everything from my car to her room, I was stuck. I then ran outside, and had a panic attack. About five minutes later, she walked outside to find me curled up in a ball starring at the ground. I tried explaining how depressed I had been feeling and my insecurity problems recently. I also absolutely could not stop apologizing to her. We finished up unloading and said our goodbye's and she hasn't picked up the phone ever sense.
This is what has convinced me to finally write a story on this page. I can't take it anymore. I'm now so insecure that I believe my insecurity is pushing people I love away. At least that is the way things seem to me. I just hope I'm wrong...
c3p0o c3p0o
18-21, M
3 Responses Aug 12, 2012

I feel so sad for you. I just want to give you a hug, then maybe all the pain will disappear. Yes, i agree with untuch, you need to talk it out. You need to let it all out and cry until you're exhausted. It will help, if not a lot then maybe just a little, but it will help. You will get through this! but it will take some time. One day at a time :)

your here because of a higher power im not giving u advice only a suggestion try talking to me ...i used to be depressed when my mom passed away ..i went to support groups i talked to people and even more important my faith gave me strength...please feel free to reach out to me

I dont know what to say I am in much the same boat .I am married and feel I have no one my only friend that knew how I ticked died of cancer .I am disabled and cant work I exist on a pitence from state aid with no idea why I am still here .your not alone .