Lonely In FranceHi, I'm not really sure how I ended up on this site, I wasn't even aware that something like this even existed, but I'm glad I did, and i'm glad it does.
I don't have the most interesting or dramatic of stories, I'm not the most interesting or dramatic person you could hope to meet, but I feel that if there is one place where I can actually talk about it, talk to people who seem like they can really understand, then this is that place.
When I was 12, my parents made the decision to move to France. I wasn't too keen, neither was my younger sister, but we were promised adventures, excitement, new friends, and a wonderful new life. Fast forward 8 years, 4 of those spent in the hell hole of the local "collège", where I was bullied, verbally and physically, the other students took a disliking to me because I was english, and although not fat at that time, slightly more sturdy than the others of my age. I was shouted at, sneered at,insulted, laughed at in class including the teachers, kicked, punched, smacked around the "play"ground, pushed down the stairs, tripped up in the corridors, had things thrown at me...long story short, it was not the best years of my life. It was during this time that i started eating a lot, then because the other kids insulted me about becoming fat, i stopped eating and ended up in hospital. I also began self harming. And the worst thing? I couldn't tell my parents. I didn't want to shatter their illusion and make them take off the rose tinted glasses they appeared to be wearing. Bruises and cuts were explained away by my natural clumsiness, something that has followed me around since before I could toddle apparently, tears were for bedtime, or when i took comfort from my horse. Who I had to sell in 2008, due to starting lycée, something which broke my heart, and has never left me. The next 3 years were in a lycée at a town about 50km away. I didn't want to go to the local, and it was definatly the best thing i could have done. I finally found friends, people who weren't against me just because i was english and fat. Those 3 years were good, not fantastic, I ended up alone a few times, especially thanks to an operation which had me off school for 3 months and therefore my friends appeared to lose interest and stopped replying to me.
Last year, I began university in Poitiers, about 45-50 minutes away from home. I have never felt so bad, so lonely as this during this last year. I began self harming again, stupid I know, but it compensates for the pain inside. I couldn't fit in, I was constantly self conscious, worried, too damn shy. As time went on, I realised that the groups had formed, that I was outside all of them. Because of my shyness, and my fear that they wouldn't want to know me. I was lucky, it could have been worse, there is a high chance that I may not be around to write this, as I was sinking deeper and deeper by the day. I was approached by a girl in one of my classes, and long story short, it was thanks to her that her twin sister who was in my option decided to take me under her wing. I had 3 great months of feeling like I belonged, that I had friends. The pair of them gave me the confidence that I needed, encouraged me in everything, and I honestly felt the best that I had in the last 8 years. But then summer came. I should precise that I live in the middle of nowhere. The only other youngsters of my age are those who gave me hell in collège. I have no car, as I can't afford lessons, and I'm a good hour away from everyone. And thats whats ruined it. Suddenly, no one is replying to my messages, the one person I thought I could rely on doesn't talk to me anymore.My younger sister sits on her computer all day, if she surfaces from her room its nothing short of a miracle,and my parents work all day every day, including sundays, as money is very tight. This week I'm back in my appartement, various arguments with my mother, the isolation of my home and just the frustration of being boxed in made me want to get away. But I find that here it is worse. Today I hit rock bottom. 3 months of frustration and anger at being alone just made me crack, and I have spent most of today being a big baby and crying. Its probably hormones as well, not helping, but also the hurt when one of my friends, an english girl who moved over here at the same time as I did, but had no problems, who managed to integrate herself almost instantly, told me that despite the fact that she was supposed to be coming over tonight, can't as she is with her new boyfriend.
So, to sum it up, I feel like a pathetic, ridiculous, sad, useless failure (oh yes, I forgot to mention, I failed my exams so have to redo the year), who no one wants to know or to spend time with, because really, who wants to spend time with me? I don't, but unfortunatly don't have much of a choice. There are so many other things as well, but I don't want to bore you all even more. It was just nice to write it all down, and know that people will see it. Normally I write it down, and hide it away.
Thank you all for reading, I do hope I didn't send too many of you to sleep!