Extremely Lonely.

Well, lately my loneliness has reached an epic stage. I have no friends at all in my life. None, whatsoever. And instead of trying to change this loneliness, lately I am trying to work on ways of learning to accept it. This includes coming to the inevitable conclusion that I'll always be different, and that people will never really appreciate me, or accept me for who I am.

I've been without friends for well over a year now. And I'm feeling more and more isolated as the days go by. I've lost every friend I've ever had in my life, and it's proving damned near impossible to make new friends. It feels as though I keep getting rejected by everyone I meet, and it's just disappointing and disheartening. I feel like there's a hole inside of me and it's growing larger every day. In fact, I've never been more miserable in my life... Being alone and socially isolated is having a huge impact on me, psychologically and cognitively.

No matter where I go, or what I do in life, people just don't seem to like me, and they don't want anything to do with me either. I've been feeling deeply sick to my stomach lately, and I've been going through depression and social anxiety. I've tried reaching out to various online loneliness groups, only to discover that nobody EVER really replies, and nobody ever really cares... They seem to be more concerned with writing about their own experiences than responding to mine. It seems that the more I try to reach out to people, the more they become increasingly disgusted with me, and the more I get treated like crap. There must be something deeply wrong with me, for me to be in this position to begin with. I must be profoundly flawed, or something. I'm grateful for the fact that I have such a supportive family (that I still live with), otherwise, I would have taken my own life a long time ago.

I've been a member of Facebook for well over two years now, I have more than 100 friends, and I don't hear from any of 'em. I've been a member of Experience Project for more than 6 months now, and I haven't made any new friends here either. I'm so alone in this life, and I don't know what to do -- I've been feeling terrible lately over this. I've been trying to get my mind off it through exercise - I've made a commitment to do at least an hour of bike riding every single day. And I've been searching for a job, but so far, I've had no luck. But, it doesn't matter what I do, or how I'm feeling at the time (and I could be feeling great!), I'm ALWAYS alone. This comes as a direct result of having no social contacts. None, at all.

I was basically bullied through out my school years, didn't have many friends. And now, I'm isolated and alone as an adult. Still struggling to form relationships, or friendships (as they seem to be the basis of many people's lives). Failing in real life, I've commonly turned to Social Media to make new friends online. But when you don't have any friends, and you're alone, then Facebook makes you feel like complete crap. And Experience Project hasn't seemed to help either.

I've read just about every self-help thing available on the internet, when it comes to overcoming loneliness, expanding your social circle, and making friends, and I've got to say that absolutely NOTHING helps... I'm on the verge of giving up completely. I just think that I'm just completely and utterly unlikeable. And, at the end of the day, that's pretty much all there is to it, really.
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8 Responses Sep 13, 2012

I have one question for you. Have you tried getting close to God? He wants us to have a relationship with him and he tells us so in his word the bible. Read James 4:8, where it says, "draw close to God and he will draw close to you." There are true christians who really try to live by bible standards and try their best to walk in the foot steps of Jesus Christ and go out inviting others to join them in a worldwide brotherhood. Examine your bible and look for people who are sincerely trying to live according to what God requires. Since you state you have tried all the self-help things on the internet, would it hurt to try the instruction book given to us by our creator? If you sincerely give it a try, it will help. You certainly cannot be unlikeable because God loves everyone and wants us all to be happy but we have to seek him and then allow him to teach us. Read Matthew 5: 3 which says, in part, "happy are those conscious of their spiritual need." I would love to talk to you further after you have considered my thoughts.

It is indd the same way as how I feel..

its terrible and u try and try, but i just doesn't happen.. :(

Remember, there's nothing wrong with us, were just different..


nothings wrong with you, everything is wrong with society !

Thank you for sharing your story. It is sad to see just how self-absorbed the world is. I will be your friend message me any time!

It sounds like you're stuck in a vicious cycle. Don't let this one year of friendlessness make you lose hope on making friends for good. I think, no matter what, people do need other people. You're in a depressed, unhappy bubble. And unfortunately, that does tend to push people away...not because you're disgusting or anything, but a lot of people just don't want to deal/listen. (Aggravating, I know.) So that seems to be chipping away at your soul, thinking there is just something awfully flawed about you. And I'm sure, if you feel that way, even when people are nice you may think "but once they get to know me, they'll reject me too." :( I'm glad you're still trying as evidence by even posting this -- please don't despair and give up on it. Things can change. Whether it's with a new job or routine or setting....I would even say a job or some kind of setting that is not a social setting (like school can be)...something with 'forced interaction' so to speak that can build your confidence that you can successfully interact with other people. Or volunteering, with like minded people/like minded cause...you may find more people on the same wavelength as you. Won't be an overnight change, that's for sure...it takes years to repair the damage and rejection. But those have helped in my life experience. The internet brought me some solace from loneliness during my darkest times...but not completely. Sometimes it made things worse. Definitely helped me not be 100% isolated and gave me at least some fraction of connection to the world, and I met some like minded folks along the way, but still not filling that lonely hole or helping me get out of the pit. Just don't give up hope, and don't give up on putting yourself out there. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's hard to believe/see right now.

:) Wow thanks a lot, likewise that means a lot to me that what I said connected with you so well. I definitely am speaking from experience, and I think you described what you were going through very well too, and it did remind me of where I was a few years back. I do think a job and routine could help...because it's hard to rebuild any confidence if there's no positive human interactions happening. And it'll probably gradual too, like I mentioned...it was for me. Once I got a job, I was still feeling deterred and hopeless at first because it STILL seemed that everything out of my mouth would warrant weird looks, and remarks about how intense and morbid I was. Even when I thought I was just making innocent small talk. But, for whatever reason, that smoothed out over time...people started seeing my worth and that gave me confidence and maybe also I learned how to 'check' some of my weird inner thoughts as well, lol. And I imagine where you are now...since you've been so recently rejected and abandoned...if/when you do put yourself out there, and you're met with any kind of resistance, discouragement...that probably just sends you back to not wanting to try at all. :/ So yeah. Again I'm moved that I was able to give you something in my words to help you. I'm out of that pit now, and i can look back and see how hard it is to see beyond the walls that surround you, thus hard to pull out...so now that I'm out of those walls, I can say that it does/can get better even though it seemed hopeless. And again -- I'm glad that is able to inspire you. :) HANG IN THERE!

Yes, we do seem to have similar issues. And I think trying to get a job is rough...procrastination is much more easily attainable! But in the long run, when you do get one, I think it will improve things. And if those people are still not a good fit, that's where volunteering could be beneficial. That worked for me too. The job was good because it gave me 'positive interactions' that helped build confidence. The volunteering was good because it exposed me to like-minded, more relatable people. If the difference there makes sense. So I don't want to paint it as too "things will just magically improve overnight!" because I wouldn't want you to get discouraged too soon. But from your posts, you seem very well thought out, intelligent, all that...I can definitely see things improving once you get in better surroundings and all that. And as far as the checking thoughts thing go...it's not like I mean hiding who you are, just perhaps reigning things in more, keeping things 'lighter' for people I'm not as close to. And just more accepting that there are some people out there who just aren't a good match..and that's okay, because there are plenty of people in the world, and more out there who are a better match. I think having less people to interact with might make us force square pegs/round holes when we shouldn't be...that kinda thing. anyway, I'm kind of babbling but again I'm glad I gave you some food for thought AND even better, hope.

Well now, see! You're hanging around the wrong people if no one has told you before that you're intelligent or well thought out. That's sad. Again, from your original post, you seem to recognize you're good person inside...it just seems no one out there has reflected that back to you yet. So keep to that, don't let the 'hitherto' rejection of others permanently dissuade you. And the staying in the house thing is all part of the vicious cycle I think. When you're feeling discouraged and afraid, you want to shut in. But I think isolation only intensifies and fuels the feelings. And of course there is no judgement from me saying this -- when I think back to how I was five years ago it's literally like night and day. I remember crying one day simply because I had met eyes with someone, quickly looked down as usual because I felt so unworthy and undeserving of even keeping eye contact with anyone...then something compelled me to look back up and the person was still looking back AND with a smile. It was like the highlight of my week , I was so moved and amazed that someone made a point to smile at me. It's like being trapped in an (unintentionally) self-imposed cage of misery and distortion when we get to that point...which sadly it sounds like you're in/getting to. :/ It's really just -- something has to break you out of it. And going from my experience, the only thing that helped me was (as I've mentioned) having an accumulation of positive interactions with other people, that eventually outweighed the negative ones (or at least balanced more). And I think the only way to get that is by, well, being around people. And a non-social/routine setting might be best if social interactions are what have gotten you down so much. Of course -- it may not be exactly the same for you but, still, if at least something I've said has helped or can give you a ray of hope then that's all I am hoping for!

sorry, I didn't see you had replied till now...my email notification didn't show me anything. Don't have time at the moment to reply, but will!

Okay I'm back! And yes...as a disclaimer here, 'm really only mentioning my own plight to make you feel less alone, not that I'm trying to steal your thunder at all! but yes, indeed, I went through a long period of my life feeling like you. Let me put it this way...it was a long, gradual demise that started when I was about 11. Then the vicious cycle began...feuled, of course, by awful social experiences (rejection, abandonment, being left out) ... in turn chipping away at my self-confidence and hope...then certain events made it get heinously worse around when I was 20-22. Isolated to the point -- and in that cage of fear of rejection and hopelessness of ever connecting or anything -- that I was pretty much losing my mind! I mean, mild dissocative breakdown, all that. So, really, my "out of the woods" that I'm feeling now has only really been around for two years, and for the first time I see how absolutely different it can be. So that's why I have faith you'll get there one day too. You are very self-aware about it all and about your potential...right now what I feel you're lacking is any positive reinforcement from the world around you. And...although this may contradict with what self-help things will say...I think that ray of light actually has to come from outside, now, for you. You already have it in you...perhaps it's been slowly dying but, you already have it. Now you do need those positive interactions to happen, to balance out the bad and THEN the spell (so to speak) will be broken. Of course the rejected loner still lives within me, but I have enough people in my life that it only rears its head every so often and can go back away eventually. So my advice again would be...perhaps just, being open as much as you can to the positive interactions. Without getting too easily discouraged because that puts us right back into our cage-shells. :( Don't despair in thinking that another rejection is indicative of the entire world and your chances for life. Just try to brush it off as that person being obnoxious and, keep on keepin' on so that soon there'll be more of a balance of positive experiences for you too. I hope this is not getting too convoluted sounding, but you seem to understand everything I've said!
And yes I totally know the cage of protection! Will it is a comfort zone, at the same time, if we could chose a different lot in life, it wouldn't have been that...probably, right? To have not needed the protection in the first place! So try to leave the cage and try not to immediately run back as soon as you face another jerk. Just, brush them off and keep roaming outside your cage and eventually I feel there'll be enough non-jerks to help foster your self-confidence...

Again I am really happy that knowing someone out there has felt the same way is making you feel better. I think sometimes validation can make ALL the difference. And right...I would try to explain to others about me. That after a chronic life time of rejection and basically bad social experiences, how could someone expect me to want to put myself out there, or have faith that I'd be liked/accepted... or not just want to isolate myself? It's breaking out of a lifetime of EXPERIENCES, that we've actually had. You know? I mean what do people learn from. Experiences. So if that's the majority of what we've had (bad experiences with other people), that's what we learned. If a little bird grew up in a box and every time it tried to fly it smashed against something and in pain, it won't be so eager to fly on it's own, now would it lol? It may not understand that the lid isn't and will not always be there in every circumstance...but since it has been so far, the bird has no reason to really believe otherwise. I'm getting all symbolic lol. But you do seem at the point where you want it to be different...since you are responding and engaging, it shows you do want it to be different even if initially you were resigning yourself because it's probably what you felt was the best thing to do in your own self interest based on what you've experienced. And again, being able to self-analyze and all that is a big thing to help! I don't mean to keep talking about a job since I know those can be hard to come by, but I do think that could help as a routine. even with your lack of motivation. The time I was most miserable, I didn't have a job, was in school with erratic schedule and would lie on the floor for hours trapped in my own thoughts, would sleep, drive around aimlessly for hours. There was a part of me that wondered if I'd be able to manage at work, but I did. There were times in the beginning where I'd still space out into my thoughts but..the routine kinda forced me out of it, and forced me out of getting sucked down into that immobility. So the routine thing could help with thata too, in addition to (hopefully lol!) being a place where you can start adding some positive social experiences to your life too!

So again -- am happy to be helping and validating what you're going through. Having people get weirded out or arguing back or belittling you with stuff like 'aren't you making friends yet' just sticks a knife in the wound and makes things worse. Or just for me, would make me angry and bitter and that grew increasingly over time too. Perhaps I should pretend to be you from the future, then that'd really incentivize you! Nah but, yes I can attest that that things can be better... not just because people say so, or because they fit into the world better than we do...even for the non-obvious-fitter-in-ers, things can be better that what you've experienced up till now.

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I don't know why I cried after reading your story. I don't have any friends either. I lost all my friends three years ago when I came to England to study. I'm originally from Hong Kong. They never contact me through phone or email. On the other hand, I'm happy because I wouldn't know whether or not they are my true friends until I left them to study abroad. Things did not go as well as expected after I arrived. I struggled with English language and this made me hard to get to know new people..I couldn't even cope with my alevel course, therefore I withdrawl the course and went to study English. I have been working so hard throughout the years, and eventually I got into a very top university to study psychology. On the result day, only my family congratulated me. I haven't heard anything from my so called good friends. You are right, Facebook does make people like me feel crap. As a psychology student I recommend you to read a very useful self help book called "the happiness trap'' this is the greatest self help book I have ever read..I'm sure you will find those techniques helpful. I still haven't started uni yet..I hope I will meet more new ppl. However, I'm quite easily being ignored by others in social situations just like you. To make the matter worse, I'm homosexual so I feel even more disconnected and isolated to the world. I have been told I have a good personality over the years but I just seem to struggle with finding a true friend and true love. I'm not bad looking, straight acting people would normally sleep with me,, but you know in the gay circle most ppl are only looking for sex really, I'm not that kind of person unforunately plus I'm an Asian this makes me even harder to find a boy friend. So my friend you are not the only person to feel in this way, I cried because I think our situations are similar. I m not afraid of being alone because everyone is alone, we will all end up in the grave alone right? I think what we need to do is that rather spending time feeling depressed we should find some ways to achieve something we highly value. I m sure ppl will eventually discover our charms at some point in our life. I wish you all the best. Andrew ( another person has no friends)

I can be your friend .

Sorry that life has treated you so unfairly :( Don't give up. Be my friend :)

Yes! That's the spirit :) Passes the beer to you (or tea if it's your non-alcoholic day) ;)