Abject Lonliness

i am middle aged. there is no love in my heart. love is a foreign concept. i grew up without the things that keep a person sane. without parents, companionship or friends or family.
lonliness to me is when you are all alone in a church santuary waiting for the janitior or church elder to kick you out since you have no where else to go. so you say i will get **** faced drunk. last time i was in a church it was fathers day. i waited for everyone to leave so i could cry alone in the santuary. all i could think about was getting comfortably numb.
since i was reminded of growing up without a father. feeling empty on the inside. no father to watch me grow up or watch anyone one of my 50 marathon finishes. no father to watch me graduate or get married. this makes me feel ****** empty.
this growing feeling of uncontendness. having no carreer, no family, no love. having no one care about you for over 4 decades will make anyone grow old. the irony i have been told i have such a remarkable charisma and abiltiy to mesmerize. i was born to perform, write and speak. yet i do not do the things which i was created for.
i was one of the fastest over 200lb runners in the country. i have run over 50 marathons in 3 years. the only thing that brought me joy. then my health took a turn for the worst. can not run anymore.
i have lived in 6 different states in 6 months searching. i went to ca. all i thought about was death. how i would die in some mountain somewhere. maybe torn asunder by some wild animals or maybe **** off some gang banger and get shot in the head. so i went there to die not to live. i am not afraid of death but sometimes i wish for it. death will not come about by my hands though. not my style.
went to ca. to either die or start up my own motorcycle charter. to find men like me. men of principle. backbone, integrity. the poet laureate/ warrior type that i am embody. i have been searching for that kind of unity. the brotherhood and unity one can only get from a mc or the military. does anyone stand for anything anymore?
poetlaureatewarrior poetlaureatewarrior
3 Responses Sep 14, 2012

I love the way you write, if anything you have a lot of courage to speak out. Would like to add you since we have a lot in common. Read my stuff and tell me how you feel. My soul goes out to you.

thank you for kindness. it warms my soul. we should write a book together. i like the way you write too. the only beauty i poesess is when your beauty radiates through me.

That is very poetic...

Very romantic...XD

I have to admit your story had me tearing. IIt is imposable to fill that void of a father, but I can be a good friend. Please never loss HOPE.I STAND FOR HONOR, LOVE, TRUE FRIENDSHIP, AND SACRIFICE.

sorry about the delay. have not been online. i could use a good friend. if you want one let me know. thanks for the response. please stay in touch.

would you like to be friends? p

Wow , you seem like a very radiant soul . I can relate to having been giving unique gifts and not really employing them . Generally the most gifted are also the most tortured , and so whether we flourish or not depends on the caprices of Fate .

Interestingly I was led to read a certain Scripture just a few minutes before reading your post here . The synchronicity of it I feel means it is a message for you : " I will not leave you fatherless ; I will come to you . " John 14:18

It sounds like you have had lots of pain , even if you have ignored it . That is okay , earth is our school and our place for Lessons and pain is probably the greatest teacher . The world is a pig-pen ; humans are indeed weak creatures and I am not sure if there are many warrior spirits left who stand for much . It doesn't matter ; this world is dust and all that matters in the end for any man , is God . If there is bitterness separating you from God , pray for it to go away / be healed and try and let go of it , because God is the only hope . God will heal your agony . You have nobody else ... spouses , children and friends can be distractions from the Path anyway . Bless you .

thanks for the support. so i take you are a chrisitan. what made you believe in god?