Alone

Tonight I am feeling exceptionally alone. All of a sudden I started crying while I was talking to my niece. Maybe I've been denying my feelings lately, and since something a bit hopeful just happened, I've let loose. I am a young 67 yo woman who has lived on my own for about 15 years now. I have 4 grown children, 7 grandkids and 4 greatgrand kids. You would think with all those people I would get a phone call at least once a week from someone saying Hi Mom, how are you? I have had rheumatoid arthritis since I'm 23 and in April was told I could not get my treatment unless I had the copay of $500. Yes, it had gone up from $35. I was going for this treatment (Remicade) for the past 12 years. It made it possible for me to live a near to normal life. Before I started it I was ready for a nursing home. I am very independent, try not to be a bother to my kids (who I raised on my own), drive and try to keep busy. I was on Social Security disability for 20 years and also had a personal disability policy that ended when I turned 65. Because of this loss, I have had to look for work. I worked in the office for the census and after that, while on Unemployment Insurance I went to school. I have done an internship in my chosen field, but have not been able to find a job. It is impossible to live on my SS and I am receiving food stamps. My 20 yo car just died about 5 weeks ago. I think it's the alternator. Checked with my mechanic and he gave an estimate of around $300. It also has to be re-registered (in NY it is a 2 year reg. and will cost about $150 or so) and the insurance is due in October (another $200.) I had to move in March after living in my apartment for over 10 years, but my landlord needed the apt. as he is going thru a divorce. So now I am living in a basement apt, waiting to hear from senior housing and trying my best to be hopeful and have faith. Of course, I had lived in a centrally located area where I could always be around people, if that was what I wanted. This basement apt. is in a totally residential area. It is a lovely area, but the sidewalks are rolled up by 10pm and people are not the friendliest to 'renters'. My landlord is trying to nickle and dime me to death, even tho I only have $36. to do me for the month. She is also very nosey and has opinions on my housekeeping. God give me strength. I am in a 12-Step program and am recovering from alcohol addiction. I have not had a drink in 27 years. I was the one who picked up everyone for meetings, so those I am closest to do not drive. I just took a break from this entry to take a walk to the corner where I did meet a nice dog who couldn't quite make up his mind about me. He thought he might like me, but was very skittish. I am feeling a little better just sharing my misery tonight. Oh! my good news. I got a letter from unemployment saying I was entitled to a few more weeks, which should take care of my car. At least then I won't feel trapped anymore. I've always felt that I have an angel sitting on my shoulder. I thought she might have taken off for an extended vacation lately, but I guess she just needed a quick break. God bless and pray for me. I will pray for all you lonely folks too.
Liz471 Liz471
66-70
Sep 22, 2012