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I'm Lonely And It's Consuming Me

My story began 3 years ago when I turned from a kid to a... teenager. I fell in love for the first time and I was so naive to believe that something could actually happen between me and this guy. I loved him so much, I've liked guys before and after that but.. this was love. I saw him every day, we were best friends, surprisingly, we still are (almost). But life hit me with a sack of rocks when my best friend started dating him. The worst part is they hid it from me. I felt betrayed, sad, angry, vulnerable and.. I didn't know what to do. They were my two best friends and I was the one who introduced them to one another. My friend knew that I liked him and we both made a promise that none of us should date him IF something were to happen. After all this I still kept my friendship with both of them. A mistake I'll alaways regret. Being with them was the most agonising and masochistic thing I could do to myself. And they honestly thought things were okay... they still do. When I was at my friends' house ( the girl) one night, I was changing in the other room and she told me that he had broken up with her the other day. Just because she wasn't in front of me I felt the little smile that slided on my face that moment. I was happy. But I hugged her and she cried, I asked her what had happened and she explained everything to me. But I still remember that time of my life... being the third wheel - I still am. And I have never been with a guy, never kissed a guy. No guy has ever liked me. It makes me feel so lonely and ugly and ... I don't know what to do. I have friends, my family supports me. I'm surrounded by many people but I am super lonely. It's like being invisible in a big crowd. On the streets, at school - I'm invisible. I'm alone. And nobody understands how I feel, because they have that more special someone. It kills me and I cry myself to sleep way too often. I need someone to talk to. I need to know that I'm not alone in being lonely. Thank you to whoever struggled to read the whole thing.
kaligalatea kaligalatea 16-17, F Sep 23, 2012

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