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I Don't Know

I feel that throughout all my life I've been used, hated, and pushed away from. It all starts from when I was finishing the second grade. After I finished the approximate amount of days and meet all the requirements the School Board saw my medical records and discovered my disability. This disability I'm talking about is barely and I mean barely noticeable, my nerves are just a bit farther away than the normal person's is and in result I react to questions to the smallest fraction of a second late, it's not ADHD or anything like that heck I don't even know what it is and I'm 17. But anyway the School Board choose to place me in the Special Ed class and held me back a year. Let me tell you right now that I didn't even know I was held back until I saw my old friends in the 3rd grade class. So I not only got embarrassed by the school board I still didn't even prove myself that I was smarter than the Special Ed kids. They were nice and all but still my friends were getting a higher education while I was still learning the basics of the basics. It really hurt me to see them go to middle school in the 5th grade and I was really sad the rest of my grade school years. I was able to make new friends but they couldn't replace the original friends. Not only that I never really had much friends over after my grade school days. Probably because I live in a part of my town where no one really hangs out. It might seem like a minuscule concept but over the years I've grown apart from society and became kind of a sociopath, not that I hate society and people, I'm just not a social person and I resent things like parties and concerts. Over the years my parents found a drug that makes me react normal, its called Focalin or at least some form of it and I can't imagine another day without it. I'll admit there were days which I forgot it and was devastated but I still ventured through the day. When I started middle school I learned how it really feels to be bullied by all. When I day "bullied" I don't mean "I'll see you after class and beat you and throw you in the dumpster or locker" no I mean verbal bullying. I was condescended for my name being bisexual (I'm not going to make my identity public for privacy reasons unless I really need to) and I was called names and my personal favorite framed for throwing an airsoft bebe at the back of a P.E. teacher in result the whole class had to run a lap and pick on me. So I became less likable and sociable than I already was. My family then transferred me to another middle school where I gain a little popularity, until there was this rumor. The rumor was that I wrote a "death list" of the people who bullied me. This really stuck with me to this day but luckily people don't mention it anymore, but it still left a mark that can't be healed. I was still able to make new friends at least. I just want to say right now that in middle school I was smart when it came to academics. I always got an A and a GPA of at least 3.8-4.0. But then came high school. Now in high school, today I'm a Junior/11 grader, I still earn good grades just not as high as what I had in middle school, it's like a 3.5 or 3.6, but that's beside the point. I just want to say that the "leader" of my group of friends is a complete smart ***, and I mean smart. I'm talking about all A.P. classes with either an A or an A- smart. Soon he started to condescend me for who I am, not regarding my disability, he doesn't really know or acknowledge that, I'm talking about my religion, Judaism, my opinions, and that fact that I don't really have any friends at the same table where I eat lunch with them. He tells me "Shut up" in the most condescending way you can think of he also tells me that no one cares about my opinions or about what I think. So I did what he told me and I only talk to the people who I believe are still my friends whenever it's necessary. It really hurts to see people to condescend you succeed so well and not have any enemies but a victim which is you, and it's even worse when you can't take the same classes as they are because your career councilor said to wait until your senior year. Necessary in this case is when they ask me a question, which is now extremely rare. But all of that is just the beginning. At home I have a sister who is the epitome of evil. She always mocks me, tries to threaten me, and she even resorts to physical violence and even steals my lunch before anyone notices, but the worst part is that she is getting through school only because my parents allow her to study for upcoming tests that I took and compare my previous year's work to hers. As for my parents my mother is a depressed figure who takes her anger out on me because I'm the only one who's not domestically abusive. To add insult to injury she mocks me and my grades and won't and the next day she says that she never insulted me. The real reason why my mother is depressed is my sister calls her fat and lazy and my father always sides with her. My father means well it's just that he is always at work, I don't have a problem with him being at work for long hours I mean if he's making money go for it, I won't resent that. I do resent that the majority of the time he is one sided I do speak up when my mother asks and he believes me. The problem is that now I am utterly alone and have nothing but the true feeling of depression and have thoughts of suicide every hour on the hour. I never knew the true meaning of love because I don't have a girlfriend nor did I ever and I doubt that anyone girl would want me as a boyfriend, and I would probably be the reason why we end the relationship because I'm not as social as a normal person should be; besides I also doubt that anyone out there will consider my issues. So on a daily basis I go through classes, clubs that I didn't want to do, condescending colleagues and an unhealthy domestic life. I am running out of ways to vent my frustrations and reading other people's stories and telling myself that if I kill myself I will miss out on upcoming things such as college and technology and so on and so fourth is starting to lose its edge. Please help. Here's what happened next: EP Link
solotuv solotuv 18-21, M 18 Responses Nov 3, 2012

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It help me to help others some way. Can you volunteer to help someone in need? Visit sick people in a hospital or take food to those that can not get it. Find a way that is not too hard to help others. When I saw the difficulties that others live with, it open my eyes. There are also more people like you in school that may want to group and feel strong together. Perhaps your counselor can help you with a group like this. I know is not much help but I care, you are not alone.

Ok pal....I'm not going to smooth over anything here with sappy slop....."It all started out bad for you, then went down hill from there....Special ED class, Getting your balls busted, No p*ussy, then getting mock again, then being BI - OK, I get it...Here's my 2 cents - 1) Those things that happened in the grade school - So what....No one is going to care if your GPA was 2.3 or 4.9+....Did you Graduate is all that anyone else NEEDS to know.....(when you do)....So, use that BS before as learning experiencing......2) What I'm reading here is the same crap that happened to me and 100 other guys I know...That said....you are super sensitive to EVERYTHING because of those early experiences...3) From this day on.....You have to think about this...Are you going to take a stand or woose out?......You have to make a choice.....You CAN NOT expect people to be what YOU want them to be but you CAN BE that person YOU WANT to be no matter what anyone else says......4) Kill yourself? Really? Seriously dude?....STOP that $hit....You have a whole life ahead of you...........When people start giving you CRAP - Punch them the Fvck out.....I'm serious.....Just knock them on their @ss and that includes your hair brain Sister...Just throw her a smack, pal...You don't have to take that $hit.....and if you continue to take crap from people.....They're going to be standing on line taking shots at you - Have some respect for yourself, boy.....Stand up straight....Lastly - and most important - EVERY swinging diick out there in the world has issues....You think your alone? PLEASE!.....Everything here is FIXABLE.....Question is...What are YOU going to do to fix it? - Because the world meets NO ONE 1/2 way pal......Good luck

I can't give you any more advice than anyone else as on here. If you take their advice then you are truly being guided my angels. Don't go doing anything silly now. If you wanna talk and vent things then we can chat on Skype or something. You're a good guy and you've been unfortunate. But as the saying goes, why doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I've got good feelings about you and I think that you'll one day, give great help to others who walk in your shoes. You're a young man and you've the rest of your life ahead of you. Now lift your head high up, be proud and tell yourself, nobody is ever gonna get you down. You will succeed and you'll be happy. You aren't alone my friend. Good luck buddy and remember, everyone on here wants you to be strong and get through this :-)

Man, reading this really tugs @ mu heart. But im not gonna throw u a pity party or give u advice either... I'm going 2 commend you 4 being one of the strongest people I know.. U are the definition of a truely brilliant and beautiful person. Keep ur head up <3

Friend, your life is a reflection of what mine used to be, but perhaps in another shade of ugh. I too was teased, for being a bookworm, for being a geek, for being one of a large family, and also for being a freak. I was the kid most ignored, I could walk through a crowd and people looked through me. When there was contact, it was snide and unkind if the respondent was female, or violent and cruel if the respondent was male. I made the mistake of telling a girl I liked what I felt for her. I say mistake because it started the worse three years of my life. No, she didn't return my feelings, she had the entire cheerleader squad make fun of the geek who dared tell a cheerleader how he felt. My family life was a lot like yours, except I grew up on a farm so add hard labor to all the issues you currently face.
I can say this, as a survivor of a life like ours: You are not alone. Not by a long shot. Others have suffered as you have. All I can do is offer you advice, but believe me when I say I understand. For what it is worth, friend, this will all pass.

Well said my friend :-)

I won't tell you about missing out on things...I WILL tell you about the pain you will put others through. May or may not be close to your family, but...knew two guys...one when I was in junior high, and one when I was in the Army...both, when they were young, had a parent commit suicide...all their lives, they blamed themselves and grew to hate themselves so much for what they believed, was their failure to keep their parent alive...blamed themselves for their parent not loving them enough to deal with their pain in some other way, rather than kill themselves...both thought that if they were better kids...if they were "lovable", "smart", something their parent could have been proud of, their parent would have loved them enough, not to kill themselves. Another friend I had known since high school, killed himself a couple years ago...and his family suffers greatly every day of their lives, trying to make sense of it all, trying to understand what they could have done to prevent it...why... I had a bout of suicidal tendency and even tried it a few times, (also realized that I could have screwed it up and ended up a vegetable, fired from my job, unemployable, and seen as a psychotic...and many other negative stigmas)...until I realized what a statement I was making to my children...and decided...even though I REALLY don't LIKE living...my children, my brother, and all who care about me, were more important than the things in my life that were driving me in that direction. Wish I had a better answer for you...when a person commits suicide, they are far from the only victim...and who knows...who's to say you won't be THE person who finds a cure for cancer...or, simply, brings joy and happiness to one person? That's they joy I get out of life now...trying to bring happiness and joy to others...not sure how well I am doing but, I'm trying.

Keep doing what you're doing mate. What goes around comes around and making someone else happy can be one of the most satisfying things for the soul. I totally admire you. Good luck in life my friend :-)

okay wow, that was a lot of emotion in one story. all of those things that happened to you have molded you. scarred you- sculpted you. you have so much to deal with and you're still here- so you are strong enough to deal with them. don't give out that strength yet. you have one more year, then you can leave that part of your life behind. go to Israel, immerse yourself in a new life, one where no one knows you and where they won't judge you. find happiness. ----please don't run away in a more permanent way.---- i'm here if you want to talk, even about nothing related to this if you'd like.

You are strong, I can tell. You have been through so much, much more than the average person could handle. You are special my friend. I know it seems dark and maybe it's been years since you've seen the light but trust me it's always darkest before the dawn. And I'm sure when you read this you will brush it off, but just know neither I or all these others would waste our time on someone we didn't feel had hope. You are a strong fellow and you mustn't let anyone below you push you down and make you feel this way. You will be in my thoughts. I send my best regards.

it's good that you posted it. cheers me up to know there's somebody even more miserable and pathetic than me! =D thank you!!

are you a di.ck

Please don't give up. I know you said reading other people's stories and thinking about losing college is starting to lose it's edge, but hear me out. I go to what would be considered a 'Nerd School.' Everyone here is smart, just like you are, and a large majority are socially awkward to some extent or another, just like you are. But you know what? That doesn't matter here. No matter what your interest is, there is someone who likes the same thing, and there are enough people around that if you do meet someone who is condescending and just plain obnoxious, you can avoid them and make other friends. Please believe me when I say that missing college wouldn't just be missing out on knowledge, but on friends, laughter, tears, good times, bad times, adventures(ever climbed up an abandoned building at night and stared at the stars?), and experiences that are truly extraordinary. If you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to send me a message, even if you just need someone to vent to. There are people here who want to help, strangers that genuinely care about your well being. So please, talk to someone, anyone, but if you need a stranger who won't judge (believe me, I've got issues of my own), you can talk to me. <3

i know how u feel..u need someone to love u & listen to u & understand where ur coming from. then u need someone u can give this love to. have u tried calling a loved one you can trust, sharing these feelings? maybe u cld try visiting some people u know may care about u, some friends or family u can trust. or call a hotline. also, this is gonna sound like the ultimate dumb cliche, but know that God wants u, loves u as u are, and died because he wants u to live eternally. suicide will surely perpetuate ur problems, never solve them. ur precious & special in His eyes. he wants u to have fulfilling relationships with other people that will help u get closer to Him. in my personal experience, my relationships with others were most fulfilling when I first had that relationship with God. im sad for u that uv been treated so unfairly in life, by those within ur nearest vicinity.

your life seems sad and lonely but i see one thing good here, tell me what you think i believe it is

My willing to carry on?

no it's YOU, see you around

Write a much shorter story. Maybe more people will react. (To be truthful,, I didn't read the whole story.)

Wow, sounds like you are really going through a tough time here. It may be really great to have a regular therapist to talk to, so you can see how normal you are but for the time being, come online here and talk to us! Please don't kill yourself - what you are going through now is temporary and I guarantee it will change for the better. (Write me back in your first year of college and tell me how different life is!) I was also bullied in school and no-one at home believed me. The teachers finally had to tell my parents about it. And I know what it's like to be the only Jewish person that a school full of kids and teachers have ever seen. It's like we come from Mars or something. Geesh. You won't believe how different college will be, and it is coming very soon for you. Those exact same people were in high school one year ago, but they act completely different. New friends, new confidence and new everything - not to mention - you get to be away from your family!! My relationship with my brother changed COMPLETELY the minute I went off to college. And your parents won't be around to depress you with all their problems, if you live on campus. It sounds like you are very smart and are doing well in school. If your home life is abusive, tell someone about it. Start by asking the school counselor or a teacher what you should do or who to talk to. Also, tell them about your bully classmate. There may be a school policy about bullying. About dating - of course, we all worry about whether someone will love us and choose us. You are still young. Many of us (me, for example) never had a single date in high school. Don't worry, it will come! Waiting sucks, but it will come, I promise. Girls like quiet, less social guys as well. With a little confidence (when things start to look up, you will have more confidence) and when you see someone you really like, you will be surprised at how you can connect with another person. Best of luck to you, and please keep at it. You are worthwhile, and you are worth fighting for. In Judaism, you are so important that the whole universe could be made just for you to be in it. It is that way for each of us. You should not have to tolerate being abused or misused by anyone, and I hope you can keep your eyes on the future. You are so close to being in charge of your own life, and it is going to feel so good.

Any NDRI over years of use will have a compounding negative effect on the patients well being. I say drop the pills and start a workout routine at the gym instead. High school is basically pointless and nothing that happens there really matters in the long run. Don't let it get you down.

No Focalin is not an antidepressant it is a type of ADHD drug.

It's a norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor and agonist. It's not an SSRI like an antidepressant, but it still has a similar long-term effect on your brain and reward system. If there's anything I know my way around in the world, it's drugs. xD

I can't say I know exactly how you feel but I had a tough time in high school, i had basically no friends, i was bullied too, for being "ugly" and because i liked punk music, which was not cool then................???? so dumb. anyway, i respect your feelings and i just want to say, don't hurt yourself. i think about doing it too. but you are so young please just think about when you get to be out of school, in college, a whole new environment (that i never got to experience unfortunately) you will make new friends, meet new people, girls... people in high school are a-holes. they won't even matter once you graduate, trust me. live your life, move out, do your own thing. please just think about it. <3

OH MY ******* GOD!

Yeah, this depression is a real eye-opener huh?

I don't understand how people can be so cruel! I'm so sorry! D-:&gt;

Yeah well you know.

&lt;:'-(

Well thank you for your support and it would be nice if you could get others to help me out.

Ooky

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:-O