Everyone Loves A Funny Guy.

"Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci." "
Everyone loved a funny guy. Someone who tells a joke, and keeps everything else under wraps. I make lots of people laugh. Whether I mean to or not. A lot of times I do, but more often than not I don't.

When I was a littlun I had never gone to other kids' houses and all I'd do was sit in my room playing my brother's playstation. I was completely untouched by others.

As a kid going into school, I had finally gotten a glimpse on what it was like to be around others, a glimpse beyond what I'd seen in tv. Unfortunately I was put into the gifted program where I realized the ironic idiocy behind it all, we had do e nothing productive in there. All we did was solve puzzles and codes. Even worse than that it only kept me farther away from all the other kids.

I remember early on attracting mainly adults. When I was in class with the others I saw I wasn't like the other kids. I think they saw that before me though, as I was typically ignored, save for the times I impressed others with the various breakthroughs I would make. Whether it was setting a trend here or there or getting the right answer to a particularly tough question. Other than that, I was almost invisible save for a few friends.

As an A student I strived for nothing short of excellence, making my way up to the podium to receive my honor roll ribbon was routine, so the time I had made one C and had mucked it up, I was devastated. I sat at the back of the cafeteria in shame and cried. I had never done so poorly before on my report card. My fourth grade teacher didn't understand, although she tried. What I had done was unforgivable at the time.

When I reached the age of ten my father left me. I didn't understand why, I didn't even know that my dad hated my mom. I was confused at the times he was sent to sleep on the couch, at the yelling and the day mom made us drop everything and spend the night at our aunt's. When I did finally understand, it was at its worst. It was my eleventh birthday and my dad was going to pick me up. Me and my mother share a birthday and even though dad should have only written one letter, he wrote two. Mine was a generic 'I love you' while my mom's was hate mail. I had started to make my way out of the door when I heard fighting. Not yelling, hitting and expletives being growled horribly. I was shocked, and my home no longer felt like home. So I ran. I ran out of fear that I didn't want to see what would happen next. That I didn't want dad to take me anywhere. It wasn't long before I realized I had no direction and headed back. My dad had picked me up and taken me to Walmart. I didn't speak to him much.

After this, I became sarcastic, suicidal and I was failing all my classes. My dad had given me a free pass in the bad grades saying that I was going through a hard time. He wasn't wrong. When I say I was suicidal I don't mean I wanted to be a little emo kid who just wanted to cry and drive people away to feed my self pity, I would hurt myself if I didn't say, throw myself in front if a car, punch a wall till my knuckles bled or any other thing that might have led me closer to death. These things only brought me further away from my classmates and neighbors. I was completely alone. My brother was clouded with anger, my classmates had no familiarity with this sort of thing and my sister was far too young to understand just what was going on. I was completely alone.

At seventh grade I had met a girl, I didn't think much of her at first but she took an interest in me. Around this time I was at a threshold of sanity and depression. When she first approached me she asked, "Can I pee on you?", a strange question I know but I answered lightheartedly, "I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or aroused.", said with a hint of feigned doubt. Cue laughter. I had acquired what had seemed to be my first friend.

She was short, tan, Korean and big boned. We shared several classes together and had communicated often. Soon we were dating and after we had made out and lied about me being a good kisser she broke some... Interesting news to me. She told me she was a vampire. Of course, at this point I know better, but at the time I was impressionable to say the least. I'd gathered that since we'd swapped spit that pretty much meant I was turned and suddenly I was a pale skinned mythical creature. I'm not going to lie, at the time I wasn't the most hygienic, long greasy hair, grubby clothes handed down from other families, shoes worn out two years prior by someone else and whatever looked nice in the lost and found. It's important to note that I was poor at the time and was foreclosed out of my house and hence had to move to a new area. Justifiably so though, I had rumors spread about me. Less and less people wanted to talk to me even if I was making them laugh in class. That amplified loneliness made me cling to this girl, but she really didn't like that. We'd broken up because of that and she started spreading nasty rumors about me. I had experienced true hate for the first time in my life. A genuine desire that I'd never come in contact with that complete b_tch, pardon my French.

I let her know my hate for her, but my way of putting it needed work. It sparked a huge fight and I wish I could say we never talked again... but we did. But I'm going to just write her out because I could write novels on this harpy. Instead I will move on to another girl. I girl who I went to school with for only a year and messed it up from the start.

Let's call her Grace. I give her a name because I feel she earned a name, being pretty important to me. Me and Grace shared English class together and I'd write her notes and poetry but did it all very awkwardly. To say I creeped her out would be an understatement but somehow I got her number. I didn't text her as much as I feared I'd screw up like last time. This very much worked as I still manage to talk to her daily. As we moved farther and farther apart we grew closer and closer together. I could make her laugh easily and she made me laugh. I soon found out that she was troubled in ways I could never imagine. She suffered from gender identity issues. A problem that never arose with me. I tried helping but couldn't, and eventually forced myself to back down. She has so many problems, so many different reasons to be sad, yet she has all these friends, and all these people who care. While I have so few problems now, and have very few friends. I feel bad for telling exclusively her these problems, and I know it's no benefit to her, so I have no one to turn to. No one to confide in. No one to trust fully.

This is now. My story ends here, but my problems don't. I'm lonely. But I can't stop making people laugh.
thefunnyman thefunnyman
18-21, M
1 Response Nov 26, 2012

How do you know your poems creeped your friend out? How do you know your Korean friend was lying about your kissing ability? Question these negative interpretations and thoughts! Why not take a positive spin away from these experiences.
It seems like you have been through a lot of parental neglect if you don't mind my saying so. Your parents were too involved in their own drama to realize they were damaging you in the process. Sometimes when we are not cherished, we come to believe we do not deserve good things. You must begin to believe you are worthy person. This is the only way to heal your wounds.
I have experienced extreme loneliness at times and I have learned the importance of being a friend to myself at these times. Lonliness is a painful experience. Self abandonment makes it even worse. Instead of beating yourself up for your pain, try to just be with yourself when you are struggling. Be in the places and with people who help you feel okay about yourself. Do not get down on yourself or blame yourself for your pain. Everyone experiences pain at times. You must be kind to yourself and blame no one. Focus your energy on doing kind deeds for yourself and others.
Can you take showers and care for your body? Eat well? Try to be friendly to other people? Take quiet time for yourself? Do your schoolwork?
Doing these little things can over time add up to help you feel you are worth it.
I am really sorry for what you have had to endure. I have been through childhood neglect too. We are not to blame. We must push past the feelings of unworthiness and create a life worth living one tiny step at a time. You are never truly alone. Look up at the trees and sky. Feel the earth under your feet. You are okay.
Best wishes on your journey.