Stuck At The Bottom Of A Hole

For as long as I can remember, I've been alone. My mother divorced my father at 6. The divorce was long and painful, and wasn't finalized and processed until I was 10. This probably didn't help my already deteriorating mental state. During this time my mother had me seen by many health specialists due to abnormal behavior. I was diagnosed with several disorders, and was medicated accordingly. I've only seen my father once since the divorce, when I was 15. I haven't had any contact with him since. Living with a single mother, we never stayed in one place for too long. We lived paycheck to paycheck. I went to 3 different elementary schools, 2 middle schools, and 3 high schools, so I was never really able to form lasting friendships. As soon as I did, we moved again and I lost the few friends I had made. My mother was always working, so I stayed home alone most of the time. I didn't really know anyone around the neighborhood, wherever I lived. I was an angry child, deprived of my childhood.
I spent most of my spare time in high school on my computer. I would wake up in the morning, go to school, usually not speak unless spoken to, ride the bus home, and fire up the laptop. Day-in and day-out. Sometimes from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. I could be whoever I wanted to be on the web. Nobody staring me down with intense, judgmental eyes. My depression peaked at about 15, which is when I started to cut myself. I'm not sure why but I felt a release every time I cut. I can almost compare it to having an urge for a cigarette, and the sweet feeling of nicotine after that first puff. Fortunately I stopped cutting and haven't done so since I was 17. I do however still have urges, which usually swell up when I'm lonely (which is quite often). I couldn't tell you how, but I made it to my senior year. I started hanging out with people I had finally made bonds with. I didn't feel like a nobody anymore.
It's been 3 years since I graduated high school. I now have a handfull of people I can truly call my friends, but even still, I am lonelier than ever. I struggle with thoughts of suicide on a daily basis. It feels like loneliness is enveloping me. I still have trouble meeting new people, even though I'm not as shy as I was. Everything feels like it's going to **** again. And I guess this is a plea for help. I don't know how much longer I can suffer.

Sorry for the wall of text. If anyone reads this, thanks
roneryboy roneryboy
Nov 26, 2012