My Life

Growing up, I had a mildly abusive father, (he has mellowed out and over the years become friendly) but I used to cringe whenever he came into the room. We lived out in the boonies, around a forty minute drive from the nearest town and so when I was growing up I was home schooled/ private schooled. During this time my mother joined a Christian/Jewish movement that further isolated us and we stopped going to church, instead they went to groups with lots of other old people. When I was fifteen things came to a boil and I got to live with my grandparents in Denmark for about a year. While I was in Denmark I became a bit of a comic artist. I used to be able to draw anime that was the same quality that you would see in a store. That is how good I used to be. When I came back, my parents burned my anime, forbade me from drawing, and baptized me seven times in the local lake. I kid you not, that was the time in my life I hated them the most. Art wasn't the only thing I brought back from Denmark though. I also learned how to use emulators while there and when I came back, I would play super mario while in school. (at that time I had gone from home school to a correspondence school) My interest eventually went to making games and by the time I was in college, I was quite proficient at using the gameshark/ codebreaker and actually hiding my emulator.

I got tired of going to school and in the middle of eleventh grade, I quit, took the GED and moved away to go to college. Originally per my father's wishes I took business, but that was unfulfilling and I took something that I could call my own, something he could never grasp; computer science. Two years into that degree, my mother died of a uterine cancer. That was the point that my Dad stopped trying to control everything around him, and let go. Thanks to my upbringing I really have no clue how to engage people as anything other than business associates. I used to have nothing but hate, and I ran my life off of hate and fear of getting caught by my dad, but now that I am free I am empty, sad and lonely. I played wow for a while, it numbed the ache but I need someone in my life. I swear I never will be like my father, but I don't know how to get a girlfriend, I don't know how to sit back and have a good time with other people. People run from me, I feel like Frankenstein and many times when I get home I sit in a corner and weep. I am a good student but my mom's death affected me quite adversely my gpa went from 3.8 to a 2.8 since she died. I have gone through a year of complete loneliness, nobody to hold me when I cry, nobody to tell funny stories to, nobody to laugh with. Just silence. I really don't care about the sex anymore, I have given up any hope on having a beautiful girlfriend/wife that actually wants that with me. I haven't even kissed a girl, even though I am 23. But what really hurts like a knife in my heart is the isolation.

The other side effect of college is that I sat down and really reviewed what I believe in. I believe in math and science, but because evolution cannot explain how life started I believe in a divine spark that started it all. So I guess I am a deist. When anyone asks me what they should believe, I will point out the facts and let them draw their own conclusions as to what or who to believe. It is their choice and the freedom of belief in my mind is something that is a sacred right to everyone.

When I look forward in my life without some change, I see a future of bleak loneliness filled with either frenetic work to fill the void, thrill seeking, or a bullet to end it all. I am telling my story because I know I don't have the tools in my toolbox to perform as a normal human, they weren't taught or given to me and I need them. I am damaged, I am hurting and yes I do need help.
frostfire1337 frostfire1337
22-25, M
1 Response Nov 28, 2012

Sorry about your parents, and about the loss of your mom. You've gone through a lot more than most your age have, and it's probably made you a lot stronger.

I'm the same in that I don't have a lot of friends, and I feel horribly isolated sometimes. But just know that there are others out there who feel the same as you, and have the same struggles. If there's any advice I can give, it would be to never reduce yourself to what you think others want you to be. Just let your real personality through.

P.S. I'm pretty much the same on belief as well. I'm technically agnostic, but I agree that science does not explain what started it all. I just dislike religion and religious people so much.