Always With Me

Sorry for the length, but it's hard to type your life into a little white box :(

I am an 18 y.o. girl, attending university. I am new to this website and not sure where to start so here it is in a nutshell: I have always had this sad emptines inside me. I've only realized this recently. I grew up with a handful of very close, loyal friends. I was fun-loving and outgoing, a little shy but I still loved meeting new friends. But even then, I felt that something separated me from others; I always felt like a spectator, watching everything around me as if in a movie, not participating emotionally.
I moved to a new high school and my personality has changed. The last four years when i was in high school were a terrible time in my life, and eroded my confidence severely. But when I got my acceptance letter to a fairly good university I looked at it as a blessing. I was so excited to start fresh, and really dedicate myself to my studies. I almost felt like the old me.
A week or two after I started, I felt the loneliness coming back. I have a large group of friends now, and they are always around bugging me to go out. We usually go to parties together and meet new people...... but the whole time, even when I'm with my friends, I feel so shallow and fake. I still feel lonely.
A few weeks ago I met a boy at a party and since then we have been casually going out. He is sweet and considerate, and wants to be a couple, but the idea of committing to him scares me. And although I enjoy spending time with him, I dont feel any spark between us. Sometimes I am not even attracted to him. I know I want to break it off because I am selfishly using him. He deserves better..... but i am afraid that this is as close as i will get to connecting with anyone. I have never had any sort of father figure and I know that I use men to fill that void. I want to stop being that person. I want to find the root of what makes me this way, and stop it... I have so many things to be thankful for, so many supportive people, and a loving family. But I crave someone to care enough to really help me open up. I come off as outgoing and cheerful, but on the inside I have so much sadness. I dont know where it comes from....
I'm sorry this is so long. :/ That isnt even the half of it! Hopefully there are people who will identify with this (whoever has the patience to read to the end)
karaglass101 karaglass101
1 Response Nov 28, 2012

way way too hard on yourself. You're way more normal than you think. You're very worried about the destination. Enjoy the journey.