Where Has It All Gone And Where Is It When I Need It?

I always had ONE friend that I was in love with (platonically). That's all I need. I always (and still do) give my entire heart and more to the people I love, though there are none to do so with now. I stopped doing drugs almost three years ago and had to get rid of everyone in my life. I thought then that MAYBE there would be a better life for me down the road, that I'd find fulfillment and true life satisfaction. I find that everyone looks at me like I have 10 heads when I speak, I trip over my own tongue, I break out in nervous rash, all because nobody can take the time to get to know me anymore. Everyone already HAS a life, and friends, and fulfillment, and some sort of NORMALCY. I honestly think that I am a good person, but then when I remember (which is 99% of the time) that no one wants to be around me or put effort in and is REPULSED by me, I feel that I am less than human. People say, "You need to love yourself before anyone else can." Is that possible unless you already have people in your life that DO love you that you do not feel are obligated to? (i.e. parents and other family, which I am very lucky to have) Some men pay attention to me, men that I like, but they keep me secret from everyone and everything. A quiet, quiet secret with no breath other than the one they yearn for. Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this loneliness? I write journal entries all the time about it. I ask my therapist and my family what I should do about it. What can anyone tell you? Honestly. There is nothing. There is no one, besides myself. Me and myself, who I am not even content with. Me and my bed, who is even bored of me. Me and my car, which only brings me to class so I can sit with my head in my books, attempting to make conversation with every single person who does NOT want to be bothered but pretends they do. I am 21 years old, these are supposed to be the best years of my life. I know that I will wake up and be 60-something and alone with no children and past my prime and any hope. I am hopeless and helpless.
LexMich822 LexMich822
18-21
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

I hate hearing, "you have to love yourself first...". Trivial, trite, borderline abusive nonsense. For some of us its not about loving ourselves. We thrive when we have real connection in others, even a solitary one.

Dont try to force a connection though. Yes, waiting is torture, but forcing a connection with anyone that isnt appropriate is a waaaay worse torture. Trust me. Yeah, a random internet person who has no reason to write this other than to hopefully help you. I believe you need reality, not the fantasy most people live in, and you just need the correct person to share it with you. One who sees what you see and feels like you do enough to ride parallel to your experience. Look for that again, be open to it, but whatever you do, NEVER change your estimation of yourself because others cant see it.