Lonely And Depressed

I am 37 years old, I live with my girlfriend and her 2 kids, have lived with her for the last 10 years. I was a truck driver for most of that time, and a few years ago I injured my back, I ignored it and kept working just avoiding doing things that hurt. I had always battled weight issues all of my life and adding a bad back and a job where I was sitting 10 hours per day resulted in massive weight gains. These weight gains added to my back problems to the point where I just couldn't work anymore. For the past 2 years I have been out of work basically "hiding" from the public in the house.

I have developed issues with even thinking about going out in public due to my appearance and lack of ability to even walk or stand for more than a couple min without serious pain. This has started to cause issues in my relationship to the effect that she is now spending 3-4 nights per week with a new man, this is after she told me "I love you but am not in love with you anymore" she proceeded to tell me that she wants me to stay put for the kids since they are really attached to me and I am the only dad they have ever known, she wants us to continue on as if nothing is changed (the youngest kid is very sensitive to change) but she wants a life outside of me.

The house is owned by her parents, my family could care less what happens to me, I have no current income (fighting with disability lawyers) and besides I love the kids to much to rock their boat. So I am stuck here, alone most nights since the kids spend alot of time with her parents and becoming more and more depressed and lonely, no vehicle, no license, no money, no hope to the point that my browser history is full of methods and techniques for suicide.

That is my story, pathetic as it is.
zanobi zanobi
36-40, M
3 Responses Nov 30, 2012

hi id like to help u when will u be online?

I am on at random times

there is hope if you dedicate yourself to losing the weight that is bothering you so much. Im assuming thats why the wife wants a life outside of you...sorry by the way...You must be a good guy to put up with that for the love of your kids. So, u do have things going for you...you just need to take those lonely nights and turn them into a workout routine..if possable...change your diet...change your look...change how you feel about yourself. Dont think suicide is the way out..think about the kids. God bless and good luck to you.

Its not that I eat that much, or even that bad, its my lack of activity, which cant really change because I am not joking, walking long enough to get halfway across the house hurts so bad I have to sit or risk falling. And the more it hurts the less i do, of course with the emotional pain now on top of that it is miserable.

So now, yesterday I find out that my cousin was killed in a car accident on his way to work. He was the only person in my family that really tried to help me out back when we were in high school, tried to look out for me. He left behind a wife and 3 kids and all I can think about is why was he taken from this world with so much to live for, while I am still here with nothing but pain and regret for company. I wish i could have taken his place so he could still be there for his family and my pain could end.