Not Your Average Love-sickness

It's kind of hard to put all my thoughts onto a website, but I might as well share it, since it'll eat me up from the inside otherwise...

I have read several stories here now and I can only say that I should see myself as a lucky person... Allow me to explain... I've read many things about people who have a hard time talking to people because they are shy, afraid or just because they can't... I feel sympathy for all of you... I was much like that myself once... I've had a pretty hard childhood, being a little chubby kid, being bullied... You can say it destroyed every piece of confidence I had... When going to secondary school, I became a kid who sat by himself, the one who would always smile when in a group, but stay silent... At first I felt like I had to try to make contact with people, try to overcome this burden... But I just kept nodding and smiling, seldomly mixing myself in conversations or activities... The only place where I could "forget" that feeling was while sporting, I did judo (I still do)... It was there that I met this girl...
You all know where this is going, so I'll cut it short... At judo, I ended up practicing multiple times with her... She was kind, and friendly, not much different from the other people I guess, but still, for the first time in my life I actually felt like I was really accepted by someone else... Time passed and we ended up in a relationship... At that point I was very happy, because I had convinced myself that I would end up alone (yes I legitly thought and believed that at 14 years old)... Time passed and you could say I bloomed... People say the power of love can change people, well it changed me... The gray colours got brighter and my mind was far less foggy... I studied better, and honestly enjoyed life to the max... Now I wouldn't be writing this if that was the end of the story... Things changed, there were issues which most of the time ended up in a short term breakup and getting back together after a month or so... Many people would call me stupid for staying in love with that girl, even though she always found another guy that she dumped me for, but I never ever doubted my feeling of love, and was always there, hoping things would get all right... This situation lasted for about 5 years during which I really was happy despite the odd and maybe even sad situation...
Then last summer, it happened again... She talked less, didn't have time and suddenly wanted to speak to me, bringing the news she fell in love with her best buddy... We broke up and I honestly believed things would be all right in the end, that it only would be a minor bump in our story...
But now, the further I get away from that certain day, the more I'm relapsing into my old self... I still have people I talk to at my university, but it's just because I feel like I have to... I come home and put on some music and tend to space out... Thinking about every thing... I know you could say, well that's your average love sickness, you'll get over it soon enough, but that's it... I have the feeling that it's a lot more than that... I had a good time, and are very grateful for that, seeing that there are people who are in situations far worse than myself - I honestly hope you will find the power or a way to destroy this horrible feeling! -
Yet I can't stop thinking I've somehow lost my urge to thrive, my reason to enjoy life, my goal to persuade... Nothing looks important anymore, and most of the times I end up looking at old pictures or just thinking about the good days... I admit, it's mostly missing her, but it's also this big emptiness, this feeling of being deserted, a feeling of loneliness...
Yes, I am lonely and I know it... It's back to the old days and even further back than that... Because now I know what I'm missing out on... Because I know what I actually want, but cannot get... Knowing that there's only one person in the world who could make things better... Is it pathetic that I linger onto just 1 person despite all the things that happened, that I'm willing to forget and forgive every mistake just to make things up, to get rid of this feeling? Maybe it is...
In the end whether this feeling is an ordinary love-sickness or more, it doesn't really matter... It sucks either way and probably won't be solved any time soon... In contrary, it's just getting worse... I know I should be thankful for the while it lasted, but right now that time of happiness is the biggest punishment of them all... Back in the days I was lonely, but it didn't bother me, it had gotten normal, like the way the world worked... Right now I'm just as lonely, but only now I know what I'm missing out on... I know the reason that I'm lonely and that it's possible to feel otherwise...
Some people say I should get over it, find another girl and start over... But that's my problem, I just can't... Call me stupid, but I honestly believe that there's only one person that can relieve this feeling of loneliness... The exact same person who caused it right now... The person who I miss, the person who I have lost...

I'm sorry for the long post, it might be silly and ridiculous... But it's the way I feel things... I feel lonely and I hate it! Writing this down has helped me clear up my mind a little bit, so thanks for reading... If there's people out there in the same situation, please do tell me... I hate people telling me that it will fly by like any other breakup, but I feel that it's more than that... If you can relate in any way, mind posting me? Thanks

sincerely yours,
xanthor xanthor
18-21, M
2 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Some break ups can be soul crushing, I know I've had one. Grieving a loss of a loved one can take many forms, and there can be no definitive time period for how long it will take to move on with your life. Holes in your life, and subjectively in your heart as well, can take time to fill and heal. But dwelling with out change is never going to help anything. We all have been in bad relationships, or got really lucky I guess. So even though you probably don't see this now, but this can be a great learning tool for the future. Find this time to find yourself and do things that make you happy. Work on yourself and realize who you are on the inside. It's hard. I know. But over time old memories will be filled with new memories, and exposure will eventually fade. Take life one foot at a time, and one breath at a time, we've all been there trust me.

I know....it's the same thing you've heard a million times before...but it's true. It really is. Time will make it better, and the more you get out and do things, the quicker it will go away. I will say this though...you will always have at least some feeling of loss over person, but the degree you'll feel it will lesson...but not for quite a while. The first one...well, it's always the worst one....I'm sorry.